Well, I tested again this morning. Very early. 4am in fact. The line was a little darker and still there. Was still not that happy (though relieved it hadn't disappeared).
Went to the chemist and bought different brands as I think that the brand I was using was a bit dodgy. I spent £23 on 2 FRs and 2 CB digis. Money well spent. Tested just now (midday) and very strong positive on the FR and 2-3 weeks on CB digi. Feel a bit more excited. Was worried it was a chemical. I will be able to relax a little bit now.
Have no symptoms apart from bloating (left over from EC) and occasional cramps. Am tired but that's because I haven't been sleeping due to anxiety!
Called the clinic and have my first scan on the 16th Jan. They tried to give me Friday 13th but I turned it down. Don't want to tempt fate there!
There is no BETA test, it's quite common here at British clinics. My clinic is NHS and private but it is very well thought of and one of the best in London. I am sure there are reasons. I would rather have one just for my own piece of mind.
I will probably do regular POAS until I have had the scan, but the 2-3 weeks on the CB digi is good. If you are are unfamiliar, the conception indicator can say 1-2, 2-3 or 3+ (when the doctors here would say 3-4, 4-5 and 5+) so I reckon my levels must be pretty good.
I drank pineapple juice and ate brazil nuts after ET, listened to Zita West IVF relaxation CD every night, had no booze and no caffeine. Don't know if this is what made it work, but I wanted to try everything as I didn't want to regret anything and wonder "what if?".
Friday, 30 December 2011
Thursday, 29 December 2011
I tested!
It's a BFP. I used a sensitive test and it came up within 1 minute. A bit worried as it is not that dark a line, but I tested in the afternoon 2 hours after I had previously been to the toilet, so the pee wasn't that concentrated.
Will still test in the AM with FMU, I really really hope that the line is still there. I have been here before and not had good news.
For now I am relaxing a bit, but still not going to accept that I am pg. Not for a long while. I daren't.
Will still test in the AM with FMU, I really really hope that the line is still there. I have been here before and not had good news.
For now I am relaxing a bit, but still not going to accept that I am pg. Not for a long while. I daren't.
10dp5dt, 15 days after EC BRICKING IT
On my way home back to London having spent Christmas with our families up North. Tomorrow is OTD and last night I couldn't sleep, I tossed
and turned. Feel sick with worry. I really don't want to see that little white space where a line should be. I can't imagine getting a BFP, I want one but it seems so unlikely. Nothing ever works for me, my body lets me down so often.
I had some symptoms- cramps and bloating. My boobs were sore but I don't count that as I know it's definitely the pessaries (they were sore before the transfer). I know cramps can mean anything good or bad but I was hopeful about the bloating. I thought it could mean that the preggo hormones were keeping my follies large. I woke up this morning and my bloating had gone right down. Gutted. The cramps have turned into a dull ache. No sign of AF which is good as I have always had a short luteal phase (9-12 days, I am now 15 days past ovulation) BUT I know that it is the Cyclogest (progesterone) pessaries keeping it away.
I can't take this anymore, all this speculating. It's horrible. I think I will test today, when I get home -1 day early. I will use a FR test and think
I will get an accurate result. If it's BFN I
almost won't want to stop pessaries, I love not having AF. I will stop though as I can use them for luteal support for natural TTC.
Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I am a nervous wreck.
and turned. Feel sick with worry. I really don't want to see that little white space where a line should be. I can't imagine getting a BFP, I want one but it seems so unlikely. Nothing ever works for me, my body lets me down so often.
I had some symptoms- cramps and bloating. My boobs were sore but I don't count that as I know it's definitely the pessaries (they were sore before the transfer). I know cramps can mean anything good or bad but I was hopeful about the bloating. I thought it could mean that the preggo hormones were keeping my follies large. I woke up this morning and my bloating had gone right down. Gutted. The cramps have turned into a dull ache. No sign of AF which is good as I have always had a short luteal phase (9-12 days, I am now 15 days past ovulation) BUT I know that it is the Cyclogest (progesterone) pessaries keeping it away.
I can't take this anymore, all this speculating. It's horrible. I think I will test today, when I get home -1 day early. I will use a FR test and think
I will get an accurate result. If it's BFN I
almost won't want to stop pessaries, I love not having AF. I will stop though as I can use them for luteal support for natural TTC.
Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I am a nervous wreck.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Well I am PUPO
Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (in case you are unfamiliar with the lingo). Not always a fan of the TTC language but I often use it as it is easier. I really like PUPO as it's a postitive way of looking at things. My least favourite term, ironically is BFP. I dislike the overuse of the word "fat" in relation to big or exciting things- it's prevalent at the moment especially in relation to weddings. There's "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" (great trash TV) and have heard people refer to their own weddings as "My Big Fat DIY Wedding" and "My Big Fat Blonde Wedding". I can't wait for that phrase to die a death. Anyway, whilst I don't really like BFP, I like BFN (maybe the reason I have failed to get pregnant) but only the F doesn't stand for "Fat", rather a four-letter word.
The transfer was yesterday. I got a call in the morning saying that I had one top quality blastocyst (an embryo that has been developed for 5 or more days) one good blastocyst and some others that look like they will be good but not there yet. I was told to empty my bladder 1 hour before the appointment then slowly drink 1.5 litres of water.
An hour before the appointment I duly had a pee, then I caught the train. 20 minutes before the appointment I remembered that was supposed to be drinking copious amounts of water. Ooops. I necked the bottle that I had with me, got off the train and got the to clinic. My bladder felt pretty empty. Panicking, I grabbed 2 cups of water from the water cooler. Still nothing. I sent my husband off to get 2 more, still nothing. I had one more cup and thought I had better leave it. Luckily they were 20 minutes late seeing me, and when we got shown into theatre the doctor and embryologists were talking to us for about 10 minutes after which time my bladder felt pretty full.
We were told that there were 4 blastos and that the blasto they were going to use today was the best one and was of excellent quality. They only allow 1 to be put back because I am under 35 and this is my first go- they follow the HEFA guidelines to reduce the chance of multiple pregnancy http://www.oneatatime.org.uk/. The doctor told me that at my clinic they found pregnancy rates higher for single transfers than double or triple. She wasn't sure why but said it might be because the embies aren't competing with each other. There 3 other embies that were good quality and therefore suitable for freezing. So we would have one put back and 3 frosties- just in case this doesn't work.
I got into the stirrups and a speculum was used to open me up. Jelly was put onto my stomach for the ultrasound and the embryologist who worked it pressed down really hard. Very difficult to endure when you need to pee! A catheter was inserted into my womb- I could see it go in. It was pretty cool. Then I saw my little blastocyst on the screen- I had to confirm it was my name on the petri dish. Then it was flushed in through the catheter. Was quick, easy and painless. Uncomfortable but not painful.
So now we wait. I have to take 2 progesterone pessaries daily (which I am relieved about in case having a shorter luteal phase does affect things). My husband is very excited (I am a little I allow myself) - we made up a few days ago and he is being lovely.
I am feeling very positive about it all. It may blow up in my face, but I am happier this way. I am listening to my Zita West IVF relaxation tracks at night. It's lovely to try and imagine my little embie embedding into my womb.
I may slowly lose my marbles as my testing date approaches. I do my test 16 days after egg collection and my OTD (Official Testing Date) is 30th December. I have a feeling that if it doesn't work my AF will arrive early as I have a short luteal phase. If this hasn't worked I will get well and truly sloshed on NYE on Prosecco that we have left over from the wedding. Luckily I will be kept very busy visiting family over Christmas. We go away on the 23rd and return to London on the 29th- the day before OTD. I will take some tampons up with me in the hope that I will not need them.
Please send me sticky vibes!
The transfer was yesterday. I got a call in the morning saying that I had one top quality blastocyst (an embryo that has been developed for 5 or more days) one good blastocyst and some others that look like they will be good but not there yet. I was told to empty my bladder 1 hour before the appointment then slowly drink 1.5 litres of water.
An hour before the appointment I duly had a pee, then I caught the train. 20 minutes before the appointment I remembered that was supposed to be drinking copious amounts of water. Ooops. I necked the bottle that I had with me, got off the train and got the to clinic. My bladder felt pretty empty. Panicking, I grabbed 2 cups of water from the water cooler. Still nothing. I sent my husband off to get 2 more, still nothing. I had one more cup and thought I had better leave it. Luckily they were 20 minutes late seeing me, and when we got shown into theatre the doctor and embryologists were talking to us for about 10 minutes after which time my bladder felt pretty full.
We were told that there were 4 blastos and that the blasto they were going to use today was the best one and was of excellent quality. They only allow 1 to be put back because I am under 35 and this is my first go- they follow the HEFA guidelines to reduce the chance of multiple pregnancy http://www.oneatatime.org.uk/. The doctor told me that at my clinic they found pregnancy rates higher for single transfers than double or triple. She wasn't sure why but said it might be because the embies aren't competing with each other. There 3 other embies that were good quality and therefore suitable for freezing. So we would have one put back and 3 frosties- just in case this doesn't work.
I got into the stirrups and a speculum was used to open me up. Jelly was put onto my stomach for the ultrasound and the embryologist who worked it pressed down really hard. Very difficult to endure when you need to pee! A catheter was inserted into my womb- I could see it go in. It was pretty cool. Then I saw my little blastocyst on the screen- I had to confirm it was my name on the petri dish. Then it was flushed in through the catheter. Was quick, easy and painless. Uncomfortable but not painful.
So now we wait. I have to take 2 progesterone pessaries daily (which I am relieved about in case having a shorter luteal phase does affect things). My husband is very excited (I am a little I allow myself) - we made up a few days ago and he is being lovely.
I am feeling very positive about it all. It may blow up in my face, but I am happier this way. I am listening to my Zita West IVF relaxation tracks at night. It's lovely to try and imagine my little embie embedding into my womb.
I may slowly lose my marbles as my testing date approaches. I do my test 16 days after egg collection and my OTD (Official Testing Date) is 30th December. I have a feeling that if it doesn't work my AF will arrive early as I have a short luteal phase. If this hasn't worked I will get well and truly sloshed on NYE on Prosecco that we have left over from the wedding. Luckily I will be kept very busy visiting family over Christmas. We go away on the 23rd and return to London on the 29th- the day before OTD. I will take some tampons up with me in the hope that I will not need them.
Please send me sticky vibes!
Friday, 16 December 2011
Egg collection and fertilisation
Have been AWOL, I had egg collection on Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday) I had a massive row with my husband. I won't go into great detail on this blog as I think that it's been resolved and I don't want to dwell.
In my last post I mentioned that I was ready for egg collection. On Monday at midnight (36 hours before egg collection was due) I took Ovitrelle- my trigger shot. It contains hCG so would lead to a false positive on a pregnancy test if I were to take one. That was my last injection of the cycle. I felt that we should have had a ceremony or something.
On Wednesday we got to the clinic at 11:30 as instructed (freezing cold we were as the train was cancelled and we were stood on a train platform [all train platforms are colder than an Arctic winter] for half an hour). The receptionist gave my husband a plastic sample container then spoke to me and told us to go to room 15 and (confusingly) gave us the key with a 1 on the key-ring. We got to room 15 and it became apparent that it was not a pre-op room as, rather amusingly, there was a sign on the door that said Production Room. I told him to go in and get on with the business (he says it was a grim empty room with porn mags- oh how cliche) and I went back to the reception to rather awkwardly ask where I was supposed to go. Then she explained, I should go down the corridor and round the corner, tick my initials off on the board and take a seat. I was told that my husband should keep the sample in his pocket for the time being. I sat down and wondered why I hadn't been told all of this when we arrived. I am not psychic.
The husband did his bit and we waited to be collected. And we waited. Then we waited some more. I realised it was 12:15 and then flipped out. I could feel ovulation cramps and was convinced I was going to ovulate. I sent my husband off to find the receptionist to ask what was going on. A nurse came and reassured me that I wouldn't ovulate and that the trigger lasts for 40 hours. Again, why didn't they tell me? It would have saved me a lot of stress!
We got called in and spoke to the consultant and he took us through to theatre. No prep, no gown, no hat no nothing all we had to do was take our shoes off. Was rather surprised! How does one have an operation without a hospital gown and cap? I was wearing a jumper dress and tights, I undressed from the waist down (keeping the dress on), put my feet in the infamous stirrups and had a cannula inserted into the back of my hand. The doctor injected a painkiller and sedative, I felt sleepy and lay down. I don't remember anything being inserted or the CD being put on so I think I was asleep for a couple of minutes. The rich voice of Sam Cooke drifted into my head (our CD of choice was the Best of Sam Cooke) and I was aware of cramping- rather like period pains. I could hear the embryologists calling out numbers- it was the number eggs they were finding in the follicles. It only took about 20 minutes. They took me to the recovery room which had what looked like a dentist's chair and a plastic chair next to that. I sat in the scary looking dentists chair and started to feel less woozy. My husband said how during the op there was a screen in the theatre showing the eggs that the embryologists were counting.
A nurse came in and said that the collected 14 eggs and that the hubby's sperm was great so we could have IVF rather than ICSI. So we were sent off home and told we would get called the following day with fertlisation results.
The following morning I got the call and was told that we have 8 embies, which I am very happy with (especially considering that I thought I only had 5 viable follies). I called up my husband and he was very happy. Then he told me his brother was coming to stay at ours that night. I totally flipped out. Rather than calm me down he told me that I was selfish and intolerant.That's what caused the row. He was inconsiderate and I overreacted. I apologised this morning and explained why I acted that way. He said that he is worried about the fact that we have had some massive rows, I tried to explain that IVF puts a lot of pressure and stress.
Anyway, I am worrying a little bit that the rows and stress will effect our chances. I hope not.
In my last post I mentioned that I was ready for egg collection. On Monday at midnight (36 hours before egg collection was due) I took Ovitrelle- my trigger shot. It contains hCG so would lead to a false positive on a pregnancy test if I were to take one. That was my last injection of the cycle. I felt that we should have had a ceremony or something.
On Wednesday we got to the clinic at 11:30 as instructed (freezing cold we were as the train was cancelled and we were stood on a train platform [all train platforms are colder than an Arctic winter] for half an hour). The receptionist gave my husband a plastic sample container then spoke to me and told us to go to room 15 and (confusingly) gave us the key with a 1 on the key-ring. We got to room 15 and it became apparent that it was not a pre-op room as, rather amusingly, there was a sign on the door that said Production Room. I told him to go in and get on with the business (he says it was a grim empty room with porn mags- oh how cliche) and I went back to the reception to rather awkwardly ask where I was supposed to go. Then she explained, I should go down the corridor and round the corner, tick my initials off on the board and take a seat. I was told that my husband should keep the sample in his pocket for the time being. I sat down and wondered why I hadn't been told all of this when we arrived. I am not psychic.
The husband did his bit and we waited to be collected. And we waited. Then we waited some more. I realised it was 12:15 and then flipped out. I could feel ovulation cramps and was convinced I was going to ovulate. I sent my husband off to find the receptionist to ask what was going on. A nurse came and reassured me that I wouldn't ovulate and that the trigger lasts for 40 hours. Again, why didn't they tell me? It would have saved me a lot of stress!
We got called in and spoke to the consultant and he took us through to theatre. No prep, no gown, no hat no nothing all we had to do was take our shoes off. Was rather surprised! How does one have an operation without a hospital gown and cap? I was wearing a jumper dress and tights, I undressed from the waist down (keeping the dress on), put my feet in the infamous stirrups and had a cannula inserted into the back of my hand. The doctor injected a painkiller and sedative, I felt sleepy and lay down. I don't remember anything being inserted or the CD being put on so I think I was asleep for a couple of minutes. The rich voice of Sam Cooke drifted into my head (our CD of choice was the Best of Sam Cooke) and I was aware of cramping- rather like period pains. I could hear the embryologists calling out numbers- it was the number eggs they were finding in the follicles. It only took about 20 minutes. They took me to the recovery room which had what looked like a dentist's chair and a plastic chair next to that. I sat in the scary looking dentists chair and started to feel less woozy. My husband said how during the op there was a screen in the theatre showing the eggs that the embryologists were counting.
A nurse came in and said that the collected 14 eggs and that the hubby's sperm was great so we could have IVF rather than ICSI. So we were sent off home and told we would get called the following day with fertlisation results.
The following morning I got the call and was told that we have 8 embies, which I am very happy with (especially considering that I thought I only had 5 viable follies). I called up my husband and he was very happy. Then he told me his brother was coming to stay at ours that night. I totally flipped out. Rather than calm me down he told me that I was selfish and intolerant.That's what caused the row. He was inconsiderate and I overreacted. I apologised this morning and explained why I acted that way. He said that he is worried about the fact that we have had some massive rows, I tried to explain that IVF puts a lot of pressure and stress.
Anyway, I am worrying a little bit that the rows and stress will effect our chances. I hope not.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Good news for once
Well, I had my scan and was so nervous. I felt no cramps or anything around the ovaries so thought that the follies had stopped growing.
As soon as they started scanning me I knew there would be good news as even I could see the follies on my ovaries. They looked like a bunch of grapes.
The 5 large ones had grown to the size that they should be 2 days before egg collection (16mm or above) there were lots of other follies but these were smaller. Some were not too much smaller so am hoping that they will grow to the right size. My womb lining was described as "beautiful" (!) as it was triple layered and 13mm (well above the minimum).
I am absolutely delighted, was so convinced that we would have to cancel. I have now forgotten all about being a bit annoyed I didn't get 12 or more follies, I am just grateful to be ready!
It's all systems go now for egg collection- it will be in 2 days. No more Gonal F or Buserelin injections! I have to take the hCG Ovitrelle trigger at midnight tonight and my collection will be on Wednesday at 12:00noon. I am supposed to take my pain killer up the bum 1 hour before egg collection. I tried really hard not to laugh when the nurse told me to insert it up my "back passage". I am a child, I couldn't stop smirking.
As soon as they started scanning me I knew there would be good news as even I could see the follies on my ovaries. They looked like a bunch of grapes.
The 5 large ones had grown to the size that they should be 2 days before egg collection (16mm or above) there were lots of other follies but these were smaller. Some were not too much smaller so am hoping that they will grow to the right size. My womb lining was described as "beautiful" (!) as it was triple layered and 13mm (well above the minimum).
I am absolutely delighted, was so convinced that we would have to cancel. I have now forgotten all about being a bit annoyed I didn't get 12 or more follies, I am just grateful to be ready!
It's all systems go now for egg collection- it will be in 2 days. No more Gonal F or Buserelin injections! I have to take the hCG Ovitrelle trigger at midnight tonight and my collection will be on Wednesday at 12:00noon. I am supposed to take my pain killer up the bum 1 hour before egg collection. I tried really hard not to laugh when the nurse told me to insert it up my "back passage". I am a child, I couldn't stop smirking.
Friday, 9 December 2011
Scan day, day 10 stimms not going as planned
Well, I'm on day 10 of stimming. I had my scan and was expecting them to say that I could have EC on Monday.
Whilst my lining is thick, there were only 5 follies of decent size and these are not ready yet. Have to go for a scan on Monday and they think I can have EC next Friday.
Feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Whilst my lining is thick, there were only 5 follies of decent size and these are not ready yet. Have to go for a scan on Monday and they think I can have EC next Friday.
Feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
How about you shut the *@$£ up?
Day 10 of stims. Going OK, have 2 injections daily. Buserelin (that I was injecting daily for down regulation) and Gonal F- which is FSH drug. They are both injected at the same time and at least one of them always hurts, sometimes both. I feel better in myself since my ovaries have been switched back on and I am feeling tingly and crampy on that area so something must be happening. Not feeling bloated though as some ladies do (I hope that my follies are growing). Have a scan on Friday to check that all is as it should be so have my fingers crossed.
Still, I didn't log in to tell you about that. That is boring. I logged in to moan and whine about those idiotic fertiles on Facebook. Since the new version has been launched I no longer know how to block people. I know you can unsubscribe- but I am worried that will make my feed unavailable to them... really should Google it.
Meanwhile I am getting mightily annoyed with FB friends whose every status is pregnancy related. Actually there is one person whose statuses are pregnancy related or Christmas related. I mean, come on love, get a grip. Have you got nothing else going on in your life? From moaning about "baby brain" (one of my all time pet hates- there is no such thing as baby brain, you just want to mention your pregnancy AGAIN), moaning constantly about hormones to complaining about the lack of maternity wear in her area. Seriously, shut the eff up! I will find out how to hide her diatribe, but, in the same vein as STFU Parents (sometimes brilliant blog http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/, if you have not been there, go! I love the womb scan photo with the beer can) I have copied and pasted some of her highly irritating statuses below. She's got another 4 months to go. Oh hell.
Still, I didn't log in to tell you about that. That is boring. I logged in to moan and whine about those idiotic fertiles on Facebook. Since the new version has been launched I no longer know how to block people. I know you can unsubscribe- but I am worried that will make my feed unavailable to them... really should Google it.
Meanwhile I am getting mightily annoyed with FB friends whose every status is pregnancy related. Actually there is one person whose statuses are pregnancy related or Christmas related. I mean, come on love, get a grip. Have you got nothing else going on in your life? From moaning about "baby brain" (one of my all time pet hates- there is no such thing as baby brain, you just want to mention your pregnancy AGAIN), moaning constantly about hormones to complaining about the lack of maternity wear in her area. Seriously, shut the eff up! I will find out how to hide her diatribe, but, in the same vein as STFU Parents (sometimes brilliant blog http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/, if you have not been there, go! I love the womb scan photo with the beer can) I have copied and pasted some of her highly irritating statuses below. She's got another 4 months to go. Oh hell.
Who needs a cot or a pram when you're bringing up a baby? Who cares?
Monday, 5 December 2011
Baby not on board
One of the most irritating things about being a London Commuter is this:
It's a badge to wear on the train/tube/bus (and seemingly on the street, at work, in a shop and no doubt at home on the sofa). Before I realised that I was barren, I thought they were a rather cute idea and was all for getting one for myself. Now, I bloody hate them.
It's bad enough seeing baby bumps all over the place without now having knowledge of women's pregnancies before they are showing. Surely, if a women is pregnant enough to need a seat it will be obvious without the need for the badge (unless she is massively overweight)?!? The cynic in me thinks it's just another way for smug fertiles to get attention.
If I ever get my BFP I will not be getting one now as I hate seeing the infernal things, they seem so smug. "Oooh, look at me, I'm pregnant." How wonderful for you. Have a cookie.
I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't care. I hate them and think they are pointless. So there.
It's a badge to wear on the train/tube/bus (and seemingly on the street, at work, in a shop and no doubt at home on the sofa). Before I realised that I was barren, I thought they were a rather cute idea and was all for getting one for myself. Now, I bloody hate them.
It's bad enough seeing baby bumps all over the place without now having knowledge of women's pregnancies before they are showing. Surely, if a women is pregnant enough to need a seat it will be obvious without the need for the badge (unless she is massively overweight)?!? The cynic in me thinks it's just another way for smug fertiles to get attention.
If I ever get my BFP I will not be getting one now as I hate seeing the infernal things, they seem so smug. "Oooh, look at me, I'm pregnant." How wonderful for you. Have a cookie.
I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't care. I hate them and think they are pointless. So there.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Stimming!
Well, I had a meeting with Dildo Cam yesterday and my husband watched (oooh er missus). Before she started, the sonographer asked me if I had any symptoms, "Not too bad, I have had trouble sleeping though."
"Oh" she said, "You're the first person who has complained about that." OK, so I have been making it up then, clearly. I love to pretend that I am waking at 4am then 5am then 6am because I am red hot and dying to pee. She also asked my husband if I had been moody lately. Luckily he knows which way his bread is buttered and said "No, not really."
As always, I didn't sit far enough at the end of the table so had to scooch down, taking that giant loo-roll-like paper with me.
She found a thin womb lining and a "quiet" right ovary. It took her ages to find my left ovary, "Did they have trouble last time?" she asked. "No" was my reply, "I can assure you I do have a left ovary". Luckily she found it (after a good 5 mins of prodding and swirling the dildo cam). She told me it was a good thing it was all quiet, if it hadn't been my cycle would have been cancelled until the New Year :-0.
A nurse then showed my husband how to inject what can only be described as the pen of torture. It's a pen, you move the dail and squirt a load of liquid out, then you set it to the dose then you stab it into some fat and then twist the top around so it clicks 8 times. I have to go back to the clinic a week tomorrow to see if it is working.
I had my first two doses haven't been so bad so far- in fact the Buserelin hurts more.
So we will just wait and see.
"Oh" she said, "You're the first person who has complained about that." OK, so I have been making it up then, clearly. I love to pretend that I am waking at 4am then 5am then 6am because I am red hot and dying to pee. She also asked my husband if I had been moody lately. Luckily he knows which way his bread is buttered and said "No, not really."
As always, I didn't sit far enough at the end of the table so had to scooch down, taking that giant loo-roll-like paper with me.
She found a thin womb lining and a "quiet" right ovary. It took her ages to find my left ovary, "Did they have trouble last time?" she asked. "No" was my reply, "I can assure you I do have a left ovary". Luckily she found it (after a good 5 mins of prodding and swirling the dildo cam). She told me it was a good thing it was all quiet, if it hadn't been my cycle would have been cancelled until the New Year :-0.
A nurse then showed my husband how to inject what can only be described as the pen of torture. It's a pen, you move the dail and squirt a load of liquid out, then you set it to the dose then you stab it into some fat and then twist the top around so it clicks 8 times. I have to go back to the clinic a week tomorrow to see if it is working.
I had my first two doses haven't been so bad so far- in fact the Buserelin hurts more.
So we will just wait and see.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
The power of jealousy
A girl I made internet weirdy friends with on a wedding planning forum has just messaged me to say she is pregnant, she was actively trying for 2 months and even knows the lingo (and knows that I am having IVF treatment, one of the few people who do). Hearing her say that she has her BFP made my stomach lurch. All the usual questions we infertiles think came into my head, "Why not me, why does she find it so easy?" blah blah blah. I bore myself with my own predictability, I have no control, I can't help it. Oh, I also found out today that 3 of my colleagues are pregnant. I really hate finding out such news, my reaction is immediate and physical- I just feel sick.
A summary of my treatment so far: am on day 19 of DR, will be going in for a baseline scan tomorrow to see if my ovaries are quiet and I can begin stimms. If that is the case then I can start tomorrow. I was feeling positive until I got the news above. I am a very jealous person and really wish I wasn't. It's not a nice attribute.
A summary of my treatment so far: am on day 19 of DR, will be going in for a baseline scan tomorrow to see if my ovaries are quiet and I can begin stimms. If that is the case then I can start tomorrow. I was feeling positive until I got the news above. I am a very jealous person and really wish I wasn't. It's not a nice attribute.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Day 7 of DR- Turning into a fatty
Still getting my husband to inject. It's a good job too, I forgot yesterday and would have gone to work without taking it but the Mr said, "Errr aren't you forgetting something?"
I was worrying about the fact that I have no side effects from the DR drugs, i.e. it's not working. Have googled it rather a lot and seen that plenty of other ladies didn't get symptoms either. I must be one of the lucky ones (well we'll see in 12 days won't we).
I have changed my diet. I have discovered that I have not been eating enough protein most of the time. I thought I had as I have always prided myself on eating a balanced vegetarian diet, but it turns out that the foods I eat for protein don't have as much as I thought. If you eat meat it's easy, in fact most meat eaters eat too much. I have started taking protein powder (twice a day in hot chocolate or Ovaltine), eating 2 yoghurts a day, eating fake meat (which I never liked doing, much prefer lentils and beans), eating pumpkin seeds (rich in iron as well as protein) and dates (to avoid constipation as warned by a fellow cycler). I am sure you can see where this is going. In the space of 1 week I have gained 3 lbs (insert shocked face emoticon here). If this continues I will be a big fatty in no time at all.
I need to re-think diet again, maybe less bread? On the upside, I am never hungry!
I was worrying about the fact that I have no side effects from the DR drugs, i.e. it's not working. Have googled it rather a lot and seen that plenty of other ladies didn't get symptoms either. I must be one of the lucky ones (well we'll see in 12 days won't we).
I have changed my diet. I have discovered that I have not been eating enough protein most of the time. I thought I had as I have always prided myself on eating a balanced vegetarian diet, but it turns out that the foods I eat for protein don't have as much as I thought. If you eat meat it's easy, in fact most meat eaters eat too much. I have started taking protein powder (twice a day in hot chocolate or Ovaltine), eating 2 yoghurts a day, eating fake meat (which I never liked doing, much prefer lentils and beans), eating pumpkin seeds (rich in iron as well as protein) and dates (to avoid constipation as warned by a fellow cycler). I am sure you can see where this is going. In the space of 1 week I have gained 3 lbs (insert shocked face emoticon here). If this continues I will be a big fatty in no time at all.
I need to re-think diet again, maybe less bread? On the upside, I am never hungry!
Monday, 14 November 2011
Day 4 of down regulation
Still getting my husband to inject not ready to do it myself! In a way, I rather like how he is involved with it. It does seem to hurt less- maybe it's because I can't see it go in. I am just not able to do it to myself. My heart goes out to diabetics who have to do it every day for their whole lives. Nuff respec'.
So far I have no symptoms, slightly worried it's not working. The drug (Buserelin) is supposed to be kept under 25 degrees C (no, I don't know what that is in degrees F, it's slightly above room temperature OK), and I realised this morning that I was keeping the box of meds scarily close to the radiator. We had the radiators switched off until recently but this cold weather has meant having them on. The meds weren't ON the radiator, but I'd say they were about 50cm away. I am hoping that they didn't go above 25 degrees C- my husband assured me it would be OK. They are in a box, in another box and he said that room temperature is 22 degrees C so it's all probably fine. I hope so! I have moved them now to a cooler part of the room. It's not supposed to be in the fridge like my other meds.
In other news, I am eating really healthily. I am healthy anyway, but thought it can't hurt to eat even better. Someone on Fertility Friends told me that got rather bloated during one of her cycles, the clinic scanned her to see why and saw that she was... how shall I put this... rather backed up. She had no idea as her toilet habits hadn't changed. I have bought some dates to make sure that this doesn't happen to me! I drink loads of water anyway as I love it- 2 litres a day so will just maintain that. Have been making an effort to eat more protein- on Babycentre (another forum I use a lot -very supportive ladies and regularly updated posts) many ladies have posted that they been told by their clinics to drink a litre of milk everyday for their egg quality. Not a big milk fan, but have been eating daily yoghurts and have increased my egg intake 3 fold. Have also bought some protein powder and have been adding it to hot chocolate in the evenings. If I wasn't veggie I wouldn't worry, but I have wanted to make sure- there's so much more protein in a meat eater's diet than a vegetarian one. I am also eating pumpkin seeds for iron and omega 3. On top of this I am having my prenatal vitamin and taking Royal Jelly (not sure about this one, but loads of ladies recommend this for egg quality).
None of the above may make any difference, but it's not going to hurt.
So far I have no symptoms, slightly worried it's not working. The drug (Buserelin) is supposed to be kept under 25 degrees C (no, I don't know what that is in degrees F, it's slightly above room temperature OK), and I realised this morning that I was keeping the box of meds scarily close to the radiator. We had the radiators switched off until recently but this cold weather has meant having them on. The meds weren't ON the radiator, but I'd say they were about 50cm away. I am hoping that they didn't go above 25 degrees C- my husband assured me it would be OK. They are in a box, in another box and he said that room temperature is 22 degrees C so it's all probably fine. I hope so! I have moved them now to a cooler part of the room. It's not supposed to be in the fridge like my other meds.
In other news, I am eating really healthily. I am healthy anyway, but thought it can't hurt to eat even better. Someone on Fertility Friends told me that got rather bloated during one of her cycles, the clinic scanned her to see why and saw that she was... how shall I put this... rather backed up. She had no idea as her toilet habits hadn't changed. I have bought some dates to make sure that this doesn't happen to me! I drink loads of water anyway as I love it- 2 litres a day so will just maintain that. Have been making an effort to eat more protein- on Babycentre (another forum I use a lot -very supportive ladies and regularly updated posts) many ladies have posted that they been told by their clinics to drink a litre of milk everyday for their egg quality. Not a big milk fan, but have been eating daily yoghurts and have increased my egg intake 3 fold. Have also bought some protein powder and have been adding it to hot chocolate in the evenings. If I wasn't veggie I wouldn't worry, but I have wanted to make sure- there's so much more protein in a meat eater's diet than a vegetarian one. I am also eating pumpkin seeds for iron and omega 3. On top of this I am having my prenatal vitamin and taking Royal Jelly (not sure about this one, but loads of ladies recommend this for egg quality).
None of the above may make any difference, but it's not going to hurt.
Friday, 11 November 2011
I am a wimp
First day of down regulation today. I want to have a baby and yet I am willingly forcing my body into a false menopause. Let's hope that the end justifies the means.
I have to take it at the same time every day, so thought it best to do it in the morning. I have a life and often am out in the evenings- don't much fancy lugging around a glass vial and syringe or injecting myself in someone's toilet. I am not a heroin addict.
I put it off by making tea and showering, brushing my hair, putting on underwear and laying out my clothes. With my back to my husband (so he couldn't see how glamorous I looked) I sat on the edge of the bed in my bra and knickers and drew the drug from the vial into the syringe. I grabbed a lovely roll of flab (seem to have a little more of that since I started eating more protein, mainly egg and cheese as I am veggie) and went to push the tiny, thin needle in. Before I even inserted I jumped up and shrieked. My husband looked up in alarm, "Did it hurt?".
"I didn't even get it in. It feels wrong to be stabbing myself with needles."
"Do you want me to do it."
"No thanks, I really should do it myself."
"OK then."
(10 second pause) "eeeek"
"Did you do it?"
"No"
And so it continued another couple of times. I was so pathetic and girlie. In the end I let him to it. I warned him that it was to be done in my flab. It didn't hurt much but it did sting.
So there you go, finally started my cycle. I have learnt that I am a big scaredy cat, my husband has seen a roll of flab on my body.
I have to take it at the same time every day, so thought it best to do it in the morning. I have a life and often am out in the evenings- don't much fancy lugging around a glass vial and syringe or injecting myself in someone's toilet. I am not a heroin addict.
I put it off by making tea and showering, brushing my hair, putting on underwear and laying out my clothes. With my back to my husband (so he couldn't see how glamorous I looked) I sat on the edge of the bed in my bra and knickers and drew the drug from the vial into the syringe. I grabbed a lovely roll of flab (seem to have a little more of that since I started eating more protein, mainly egg and cheese as I am veggie) and went to push the tiny, thin needle in. Before I even inserted I jumped up and shrieked. My husband looked up in alarm, "Did it hurt?".
"I didn't even get it in. It feels wrong to be stabbing myself with needles."
"Do you want me to do it."
"No thanks, I really should do it myself."
"OK then."
(10 second pause) "eeeek"
"Did you do it?"
"No"
And so it continued another couple of times. I was so pathetic and girlie. In the end I let him to it. I warned him that it was to be done in my flab. It didn't hurt much but it did sting.
So there you go, finally started my cycle. I have learnt that I am a big scaredy cat, my husband has seen a roll of flab on my body.
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Really worried about egg collection
I am a month away from EC and don't even start DR injections till tomorrow, but I am really bricking it about egg collection.
The Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) I go to do EC under sedation but not under general anesthetic. I recently joined the Fertility Friends website (one of my usual forums- Ectopic Trust's boards have been turned off for maintenance for over a week, I am missing my cycle buddies) and noticed a very long post about egg collection. They were discussing whether to have general anesthetic or sedation.
I wish I hadn't read it. Loads of the women said that they wished they had gone for general anesthetic because, despite the fact that they were sedated, they could feel the needle going into their ovaries and it was, as you can imagine, excrutiating. Some said that they went with their husbands who were watching throughout. They said they don't remember feeling anything but their husbands say they flinched throughout the procedure and/or cried out with pain at times.
My ACU don't give you a choice, it has to be sedation. It sounds horrific. I wish I hadn't heard that. Sounds horrid and I hate to think of my husband watching me in pain.
The Assisted Conception Unit (ACU) I go to do EC under sedation but not under general anesthetic. I recently joined the Fertility Friends website (one of my usual forums- Ectopic Trust's boards have been turned off for maintenance for over a week, I am missing my cycle buddies) and noticed a very long post about egg collection. They were discussing whether to have general anesthetic or sedation.
I wish I hadn't read it. Loads of the women said that they wished they had gone for general anesthetic because, despite the fact that they were sedated, they could feel the needle going into their ovaries and it was, as you can imagine, excrutiating. Some said that they went with their husbands who were watching throughout. They said they don't remember feeling anything but their husbands say they flinched throughout the procedure and/or cried out with pain at times.
My ACU don't give you a choice, it has to be sedation. It sounds horrific. I wish I hadn't heard that. Sounds horrid and I hate to think of my husband watching me in pain.
Wednesday, 2 November 2011
The world's longest protocol
Nurses appointment today. We were asked to sign some consent forms "do you mind if we use any unfertilised eggs for research purposes," hhhm, OK. "If you die, can we use your embryos for research purposes?" If I do what now?!? They really do plan for every eventuality. Hopefully I won't croak it after EC but before ET for that to happen.
I was also shown how to inject, I say this, I was actually only shown how to draw the medication into the syringe. She told me where to inject but didn't make me do it, "Just grab a lump of fat and plunge the needle in". Nice. Also, what if I do it wrong?!?
I got told a list of side effects that I may encounter as my body is forced into a false menopause, "You may feel nauseous, you may feel very cold or very hot, you may experience cramps in your abdomen." Lovely.
It was at this meeting when I realised I would be down regulating for a lot longer than I thought. I thought it would be 14 days but in actual fact it will be 21 days (not ignoring the fact that I still have 10 days of taking the pill left) so embyro transfer will happen around the 19th Dec which means I will have my 2ww over Christmas. I had hoped to have my test day on 21st Dec, that way if it didn't work I would have been miserable but at least could have a drink (or 30) over the festive period. Now I will not be drinking, wondering if it worked and will have my husband's very nosy family wondering why I am not drinking. They will notice and they will jump to conclusions. I only hope that they turn out to be correct.
I was also shown how to inject, I say this, I was actually only shown how to draw the medication into the syringe. She told me where to inject but didn't make me do it, "Just grab a lump of fat and plunge the needle in". Nice. Also, what if I do it wrong?!?
I got told a list of side effects that I may encounter as my body is forced into a false menopause, "You may feel nauseous, you may feel very cold or very hot, you may experience cramps in your abdomen." Lovely.
It was at this meeting when I realised I would be down regulating for a lot longer than I thought. I thought it would be 14 days but in actual fact it will be 21 days (not ignoring the fact that I still have 10 days of taking the pill left) so embyro transfer will happen around the 19th Dec which means I will have my 2ww over Christmas. I had hoped to have my test day on 21st Dec, that way if it didn't work I would have been miserable but at least could have a drink (or 30) over the festive period. Now I will not be drinking, wondering if it worked and will have my husband's very nosy family wondering why I am not drinking. They will notice and they will jump to conclusions. I only hope that they turn out to be correct.
Monday, 31 October 2011
Strained relations
The relationship with my new husband is already showing signs of strain. As you may have seen by my other recent blog posts, I have had a tough couple of weeks. This past week was the worst I found out that friends were expecting despite the fact that they are a good 5 years older than me and it took them no time at all (see previous post), what made it worse was the fact that my brother has been staying with us this past week. I haven't started treatment yet so I thought it would be fine, but I didn't realise what a terrible week I would have.
I have spent the week putting on a brave face, or so I thought. Normally I would have a cry and talk with the husband for ages. Having no privacy I could not do this, so I had to force my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. They manifested and seeped out in ways such as this:
1) I commented, angrily, to my husband about how greedy women who have 3 or more children are and that they should not be so selfish
2) I watched a You Tube clip of my colleagues dancing to Thriller dressed as zombies and angrily slagged them off ("look at them, they are so stupid, can you believe I have to work with these people?!?")
3) I told off my brother for getting me a Zelda (computer game) keyring and called him a geek
the last straw...
4) I told my husband off for using the last clean dishwashing sponge to wipe up cat sick- ""WHAT are we going to wash our dishes with NOW? You could have used one of the many dirty ones we have under the sink."
We had a massive row last night triggered by that sodding sponge. He told me that I am angry all of the time and said that I haven't been affectionate for two weeks. I told him that I was sad and not able to express myself cos my brother was always around (he has gone now thankfully). He told me that I should be crying, listening to sad music and having baths (I swear that this time last year he told me off for crying too much) and not being mad at all and sundry.
The fact is (and I told him this), he doesn't always want to hear my thoughts/worries/fears about IVF. He often changes the subject when I bring it up. He said that this is not the case and I can talk to him about whatever I want (I didn't mention that 2 weeks ago I googled his SA results to see what they meant and he called me "obsessive" and said I was tormenting myself and that I should "let the doctors get on with it"). His motto at the moment is, "don't worry, it will pass" which is infuriating.
The row went on for ages, I thought we made it up and went to bed cuddling, but when I woke I noticed he had taken his wedding ring off in the night. This started another row just before work (perfect). I thought we had talked that through- we both agreed we didn't want to hurt each other or make each other cry- we hugged then I went off to work feeling better than I had done in ages. Got home and he is being weird.
We have a hospital appointment tomorrow, I need to be supported and feel like he wants to be there. I am wondering if counselling may be a good idea. I never thought I would say that.
I have spent the week putting on a brave face, or so I thought. Normally I would have a cry and talk with the husband for ages. Having no privacy I could not do this, so I had to force my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. They manifested and seeped out in ways such as this:
1) I commented, angrily, to my husband about how greedy women who have 3 or more children are and that they should not be so selfish
2) I watched a You Tube clip of my colleagues dancing to Thriller dressed as zombies and angrily slagged them off ("look at them, they are so stupid, can you believe I have to work with these people?!?")
3) I told off my brother for getting me a Zelda (computer game) keyring and called him a geek
the last straw...
4) I told my husband off for using the last clean dishwashing sponge to wipe up cat sick- ""WHAT are we going to wash our dishes with NOW? You could have used one of the many dirty ones we have under the sink."
We had a massive row last night triggered by that sodding sponge. He told me that I am angry all of the time and said that I haven't been affectionate for two weeks. I told him that I was sad and not able to express myself cos my brother was always around (he has gone now thankfully). He told me that I should be crying, listening to sad music and having baths (I swear that this time last year he told me off for crying too much) and not being mad at all and sundry.
The fact is (and I told him this), he doesn't always want to hear my thoughts/worries/fears about IVF. He often changes the subject when I bring it up. He said that this is not the case and I can talk to him about whatever I want (I didn't mention that 2 weeks ago I googled his SA results to see what they meant and he called me "obsessive" and said I was tormenting myself and that I should "let the doctors get on with it"). His motto at the moment is, "don't worry, it will pass" which is infuriating.
The row went on for ages, I thought we made it up and went to bed cuddling, but when I woke I noticed he had taken his wedding ring off in the night. This started another row just before work (perfect). I thought we had talked that through- we both agreed we didn't want to hurt each other or make each other cry- we hugged then I went off to work feeling better than I had done in ages. Got home and he is being weird.
We have a hospital appointment tomorrow, I need to be supported and feel like he wants to be there. I am wondering if counselling may be a good idea. I never thought I would say that.
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
CONGRATULATIONS (but don't expect me to be happy for you)
Thank you to all you lovely ladies for your comments. You are all, of course, correct (and my husband has also told me similar things).
That aside, I am still miserable. I was feeling a bit better but am now feeling like crud again for several reasons:
1) I am taking Microgynon (the pill) which has made me spotty and moody. I know it is this as I am never spotty and not normally moody, I googled the symptoms, spots and mood swings are there, as well as weight gain (WHAT?!?). I never took the contraceptive pill before as I didn't want to put unnecessary drugs into my body. Oh the irony.
2) I went to a concert last night and had a flat full of people staying over afterwards. As a result the cats were cross. To show their displeasure, they proceeded to race around the flat knocking things over, jump on and off our bed with ever increasing force and scratch the bath tub (loud and it goes through me). Needless to say I got about 2 hours sleep last night.
3) The husband and I met some friends before the afore mentioned concert. Conversation went like this:
Them: We have some very exciting news
Me (inaudible intake of breath, heart sinking, getting fake smile ready): Oh really?
Them: Yes, we are going to have a baby.
Me and husband faux cheerfully: Congratulations.
Them: Yes, here is a scan.
Me: OOh, how wonderful (did I ask to see a scan picture?!?)
Husband: Oh... errr... great
Them: I know, we can't believe it. We weren't expecting it to happen straight away.
Her: I didn't realise I was pregnant for ages.
Me: Marvellous (of course you didn't, fertile people never notice such things).
Them: We can't believe it, we really can't.
Me: Me neither (I can, but if you can't, then perhaps I should be worried about your mental capacity as a functioning human being).
Them: It's a big thing.
Me: Yes, it is. (no s**t Sherlock)
I am a horrible person.
That aside, I am still miserable. I was feeling a bit better but am now feeling like crud again for several reasons:
1) I am taking Microgynon (the pill) which has made me spotty and moody. I know it is this as I am never spotty and not normally moody, I googled the symptoms, spots and mood swings are there, as well as weight gain (WHAT?!?). I never took the contraceptive pill before as I didn't want to put unnecessary drugs into my body. Oh the irony.
2) I went to a concert last night and had a flat full of people staying over afterwards. As a result the cats were cross. To show their displeasure, they proceeded to race around the flat knocking things over, jump on and off our bed with ever increasing force and scratch the bath tub (loud and it goes through me). Needless to say I got about 2 hours sleep last night.
3) The husband and I met some friends before the afore mentioned concert. Conversation went like this:
Them: We have some very exciting news
Me (inaudible intake of breath, heart sinking, getting fake smile ready): Oh really?
Them: Yes, we are going to have a baby.
Me and husband faux cheerfully: Congratulations.
Them: Yes, here is a scan.
Me: OOh, how wonderful (did I ask to see a scan picture?!?)
Husband: Oh... errr... great
Them: I know, we can't believe it. We weren't expecting it to happen straight away.
Her: I didn't realise I was pregnant for ages.
Me: Marvellous (of course you didn't, fertile people never notice such things).
Them: We can't believe it, we really can't.
Me: Me neither (I can, but if you can't, then perhaps I should be worried about your mental capacity as a functioning human being).
Them: It's a big thing.
Me: Yes, it is. (no s**t Sherlock)
I am a horrible person.
Friday, 21 October 2011
And the point of this is???
Lowest ebb ever. Don't know if I have been storing it up or what, some kind of floodgates were opened tonight.
A minor fall out with the Mr, somehow escalated into a full blown hissy fit on my part, with crying so bad it changed my face. I stopped half an hour ago but my face still looks weird- blotchy and sunken.
I think it just hit me. How pointless it all is. I don't know why I bother, I am not normal. I haven't got the luxury of choosing when I start my family. I don't know if I will ever have an effing family, knowing my luck probably not.
I don't see why IVF would work for me, it most likely won't, so why would it. I am not that lucky.
This massive come down is why I didn't think positively for the past 2 years. This is one hell of a crash.
I know I will feel better tomorrow, but, if I never have children, will I ever really properly get over it?
A minor fall out with the Mr, somehow escalated into a full blown hissy fit on my part, with crying so bad it changed my face. I stopped half an hour ago but my face still looks weird- blotchy and sunken.
I think it just hit me. How pointless it all is. I don't know why I bother, I am not normal. I haven't got the luxury of choosing when I start my family. I don't know if I will ever have an effing family, knowing my luck probably not.
I don't see why IVF would work for me, it most likely won't, so why would it. I am not that lucky.
This massive come down is why I didn't think positively for the past 2 years. This is one hell of a crash.
I know I will feel better tomorrow, but, if I never have children, will I ever really properly get over it?
So THAT'S why I don't normally think postitively
Well, CD 1 today (if I am allowed to call it that when it happens in the evening and won't kick in fully till tmw). Disappointed but not surprised. More disappointed than usual.
Will have some nice wine this evening and will treat myself to a bellini.
So day 1 of my seriously long DR can start now. That's something! I wish myself luck.
Will have some nice wine this evening and will treat myself to a bellini.
So day 1 of my seriously long DR can start now. That's something! I wish myself luck.
FFS, CD 28 and obssessing
Boring post for anyone who choses to read this. I should do posts like this on the TTC website I go on, but don't want to for some reason.
Yesterday I was convinced I was pregnant, today I don't think I am. "Symptoms" have gone, no more sore boobs (I should know, I keep on poking them) and a dull ache from down below. Sure sign that the witch is on the way.
I am CD 28, so she will arrive today or tomorrow (the longest cycle I have had is 28 days). I don't mind that much, so I would rather she just comes, so I can move on, start my pill and have a glass of wine this weekend.
Someone told me that M&S Food do a Bellini syrup that you add to fizz to make it a Bellini. I will go and get some of that and have my favourite cocktail.
Yesterday I was convinced I was pregnant, today I don't think I am. "Symptoms" have gone, no more sore boobs (I should know, I keep on poking them) and a dull ache from down below. Sure sign that the witch is on the way.
I am CD 28, so she will arrive today or tomorrow (the longest cycle I have had is 28 days). I don't mind that much, so I would rather she just comes, so I can move on, start my pill and have a glass of wine this weekend.
Someone told me that M&S Food do a Bellini syrup that you add to fizz to make it a Bellini. I will go and get some of that and have my favourite cocktail.
Thursday, 20 October 2011
Should I be truthful in my blog?
Even here in this virtual world I am not always truthful. Well, I don't tell lies, I just withhold the truth. Can't remember most occasions but I have not been posting about something that's on my mind lately a lot.
My previous post mentioned my new positive outlook on my situation. This month I have been telling myself I might be pregnant. There is no reason why not, I have a tube left, it looks clear, my hubby's SA was good.
I have been waiting for AF or, rather been waiting for when I think she should come. My cycles can be 24 days or 28. Today I am on day 27. I feel pregnant, I don't have spots, my breasts are still sore. I keep thinking I am bur I daren't do another test. Did one yesterday am and bfn. I hate the tests, I feel silly doing one then realising it's negative. I think ,"who are you trying to kid?"
I realise that posting this will guarantee the witch will show her face. If she does I will have drinks this weekend. I shouldn't be so superstitious as to think I can tempt fate.
So there you go, I was honest. Feel better now. Sigh.
My previous post mentioned my new positive outlook on my situation. This month I have been telling myself I might be pregnant. There is no reason why not, I have a tube left, it looks clear, my hubby's SA was good.
I have been waiting for AF or, rather been waiting for when I think she should come. My cycles can be 24 days or 28. Today I am on day 27. I feel pregnant, I don't have spots, my breasts are still sore. I keep thinking I am bur I daren't do another test. Did one yesterday am and bfn. I hate the tests, I feel silly doing one then realising it's negative. I think ,"who are you trying to kid?"
I realise that posting this will guarantee the witch will show her face. If she does I will have drinks this weekend. I shouldn't be so superstitious as to think I can tempt fate.
So there you go, I was honest. Feel better now. Sigh.
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
IVF, positivity and relaxation
Well I have read so much about how relaxing and positive thinking helps IVF. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but one of life's stress-heads it wouldn't do me any harm to relax.
Since starting ttc I have thought positively for one cycle only- my first month. I think I had a chemical preg that month (as I tested positive then AF arrived). I was gutted so, to try and protect myself I told myself each month it probably wouldn't be my month. Only at the back of my mind I would think it might. AF would come and I would be bitterly upset and anxious. Now, when it happens, I am not surprised, angry or upset.
Anyway, got the Zita West IVF relaxation CD, thought I'd give it a listen and quite like it. I have listened a few times now and it does relax and make me feel positive. I could be setting myself up for a big fall, I could think positive and my cycle won't work and I would be devastated. I don't think I have got anything to lose. If I was thinking negatively and it didn't work I reckon I would still be devastated.
Anyway, AF is due imminently and I will take my pill and start my cycle on CD21. All this positive thinking made me think I might have conceived naturally, I had ridiculous amounts of CM and wondered if this was a sign. Well it's not, BFN this morning. Not really that bothered.
Onwards and upwards.
(though I bet I spend the day googling "bfn 10dpo")
Since starting ttc I have thought positively for one cycle only- my first month. I think I had a chemical preg that month (as I tested positive then AF arrived). I was gutted so, to try and protect myself I told myself each month it probably wouldn't be my month. Only at the back of my mind I would think it might. AF would come and I would be bitterly upset and anxious. Now, when it happens, I am not surprised, angry or upset.
Anyway, got the Zita West IVF relaxation CD, thought I'd give it a listen and quite like it. I have listened a few times now and it does relax and make me feel positive. I could be setting myself up for a big fall, I could think positive and my cycle won't work and I would be devastated. I don't think I have got anything to lose. If I was thinking negatively and it didn't work I reckon I would still be devastated.
Anyway, AF is due imminently and I will take my pill and start my cycle on CD21. All this positive thinking made me think I might have conceived naturally, I had ridiculous amounts of CM and wondered if this was a sign. Well it's not, BFN this morning. Not really that bothered.
Onwards and upwards.
(though I bet I spend the day googling "bfn 10dpo")
Monday, 10 October 2011
Oooh, iPhone blogging
Here I am, in bed, blogging on my iPhone. Rather good it is too. I suffer with insomnia sometimes, when I do, it always cos my mind is so full of crap. I slept like a baby whilst on honeymoon, get home and I'm having trouble.
I am wondering if any bloggers suffer too, and if so, do you have the same thoughts as me? I sometimes think about babies, or rather, lack of (though not as often as you'd think). I frequently think about mistakes I have made that day/week/month. Recently I have been kicking myself for massively overbuying wine for the wedding. It was a month ago nearly, but we bought twice as much than needed (we spent a fortune on booze) and we gave what was left away cos we couldn't get it back to our flat 200 miles away. I asked some friends to do me a favour and take some boxes down for us but they got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was giving it to them. Can you believe that this thought keeps me awake sometimes? Pathetic. Maybe it's my inner Northerner.
The occurring theme is that I have imaginary conversations. I think that's what keeps me awake the most. Replaying past conversations that have gone wrong and changing the ending. Or, whole new conversations that I anticipate having with people. I swear that these thoughts are symptomatic of a stressed/obsessive/unbalanced person. At the back of my mind, I blame myself and these thoughts for my infertility. I am not easy going, I start off chilled then get sucked in and obsess about the best way to do things. Even now, after my wonderful wedding, I am troubled with thoughts about how I could have done things differently- the chutneys were not put out properly, there was not enough ice, the catering staff didn't stay long enough. Why am I spoiling my memories in this way?
I was the same with TTC. started off determined not to get stressed but the first month I think I had a chemical pregnancy. I got a BFP with a faint line, so spent ages googling to see if I was pregnant. The next day the test revealed a BFN. That was the start my use of baby internet forums. Before you could say "bbt" I was taking all manner of vitamins, using OPKs and joining 2ww threads. Did this behaviour cause stress and mess up my hormones enough to make me infertile? I have give through relaxed phases, but was I really relaxed? I was always disappointed when AF showed.
So now it's my IVF phase. Started off chilled but now fretting about the level of stimms I will be taking (think its too high), whether I will respond or over respond, and whether I go through this 10 week LP cycle for it to fail.
I need to relax, but how!?!
I am wondering if any bloggers suffer too, and if so, do you have the same thoughts as me? I sometimes think about babies, or rather, lack of (though not as often as you'd think). I frequently think about mistakes I have made that day/week/month. Recently I have been kicking myself for massively overbuying wine for the wedding. It was a month ago nearly, but we bought twice as much than needed (we spent a fortune on booze) and we gave what was left away cos we couldn't get it back to our flat 200 miles away. I asked some friends to do me a favour and take some boxes down for us but they got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was giving it to them. Can you believe that this thought keeps me awake sometimes? Pathetic. Maybe it's my inner Northerner.
The occurring theme is that I have imaginary conversations. I think that's what keeps me awake the most. Replaying past conversations that have gone wrong and changing the ending. Or, whole new conversations that I anticipate having with people. I swear that these thoughts are symptomatic of a stressed/obsessive/unbalanced person. At the back of my mind, I blame myself and these thoughts for my infertility. I am not easy going, I start off chilled then get sucked in and obsess about the best way to do things. Even now, after my wonderful wedding, I am troubled with thoughts about how I could have done things differently- the chutneys were not put out properly, there was not enough ice, the catering staff didn't stay long enough. Why am I spoiling my memories in this way?
I was the same with TTC. started off determined not to get stressed but the first month I think I had a chemical pregnancy. I got a BFP with a faint line, so spent ages googling to see if I was pregnant. The next day the test revealed a BFN. That was the start my use of baby internet forums. Before you could say "bbt" I was taking all manner of vitamins, using OPKs and joining 2ww threads. Did this behaviour cause stress and mess up my hormones enough to make me infertile? I have give through relaxed phases, but was I really relaxed? I was always disappointed when AF showed.
So now it's my IVF phase. Started off chilled but now fretting about the level of stimms I will be taking (think its too high), whether I will respond or over respond, and whether I go through this 10 week LP cycle for it to fail.
I need to relax, but how!?!
Friday, 7 October 2011
I am back and married!
Hello bloggers, have finally returned after a break to get married and honeymooned. I won't go into great detail as this is not a wedding blog (and boy are there a lot of those out there). The whole day was wonderful. My favourite part was walking into the room and seeing my future husband's face. There are no words to describe the look in his eyes. Got back from honeymoon 2 days ago, went to the USA (Vegas, Canyon and California) and am still jetlagged which takes me neatly into my eventful day today.
So I had an appointment at the clinic to plan my treatment. It was for 8:30am. I set my alarm for 6:00am and woke at 8:00am. Cue panic and general bedlam. I called several taxi companies and they all said the same thing, it would take 40 mins to get to me due to a fire in the area. I nearly burst into tears. My husband suggested we cycle- he cycles to and from work everyday so it's no big deal for him. I usually don't cycle anywhere in London due to fear of being run over. Today I had no fear only panic, so I jumped on my bike and off we went. We arrived at the hospital 20 minutes late (having not showered or put on any make up), I was bright red, my legs were shaking and I was panting heavily. It's been a few months since I cycled. My husband rather unkindly said I should get in shape. Cheeky bugger. The clinic were very nice and let me see the consultant (after I apologised profusely, they could probably see the distress).
The consultant said that my hormone levels were fine, as was the husband's SA. He said that I could start on the LP after my AF. I will take Microgynon from day 1 for 21 days (I am not sure why now, I was so dishevelled I didn't think to ask). I will be seeing the nurse on CD 11 so she can tell me how to take the drugs, and I will start DR. Not sure if I will start DR whilst on the Microgynon or after. Again, questions I have thought of long after the appointment. The whole process will take 10 weeks.
The drugs will be delivered to me tomorrow in readiness.
So I had an appointment at the clinic to plan my treatment. It was for 8:30am. I set my alarm for 6:00am and woke at 8:00am. Cue panic and general bedlam. I called several taxi companies and they all said the same thing, it would take 40 mins to get to me due to a fire in the area. I nearly burst into tears. My husband suggested we cycle- he cycles to and from work everyday so it's no big deal for him. I usually don't cycle anywhere in London due to fear of being run over. Today I had no fear only panic, so I jumped on my bike and off we went. We arrived at the hospital 20 minutes late (having not showered or put on any make up), I was bright red, my legs were shaking and I was panting heavily. It's been a few months since I cycled. My husband rather unkindly said I should get in shape. Cheeky bugger. The clinic were very nice and let me see the consultant (after I apologised profusely, they could probably see the distress).
The consultant said that my hormone levels were fine, as was the husband's SA. He said that I could start on the LP after my AF. I will take Microgynon from day 1 for 21 days (I am not sure why now, I was so dishevelled I didn't think to ask). I will be seeing the nurse on CD 11 so she can tell me how to take the drugs, and I will start DR. Not sure if I will start DR whilst on the Microgynon or after. Again, questions I have thought of long after the appointment. The whole process will take 10 weeks.
The drugs will be delivered to me tomorrow in readiness.
Sunday, 4 September 2011
Been away for a while...
Well bloggers, I have been away for a while. Have been so busy at work and making things for the wedding that I haven't had much time to blog. I turned 30 last week too, was relatively painless.
AF turned up on Tuesday so I went for bloods/scan at NHS clinic, and made a consultant appointment. Had to make it for after the honeymoon (so it's on the 7th October, just 2 days after we return). I asked how long I would be waiting, and was told that we would pretty much start after the appointment. At the appointment, they look at my hormone levels and my OH's SA then decide on the best course of treatment. I was also told that the process takes up to 10 weeks- I guess I will be on long protocol then!
In other news, I found out on FB today that a friend of mine who married this time last year has just left work on maternity leave (I had no idea and am thankful for her lack of nauseating pregnancy-related status updates). I felt a bit sick, as the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head. That means she was only trying for 3 months or so before she got pregnant. She is about the same age as me too. That said, I would never wish IF on her, I just wish I was fertile that's all!
I think the whole IF thing is so difficult because we are in a minority and most of society have no problem getting pregnant at all.
I dread what will happen and how I will feel if the IVF cycle fails. I will try again, but I don't know at what stage I will give up. I have already started thinking about/researching adoption. Is that ridiculous?
AF turned up on Tuesday so I went for bloods/scan at NHS clinic, and made a consultant appointment. Had to make it for after the honeymoon (so it's on the 7th October, just 2 days after we return). I asked how long I would be waiting, and was told that we would pretty much start after the appointment. At the appointment, they look at my hormone levels and my OH's SA then decide on the best course of treatment. I was also told that the process takes up to 10 weeks- I guess I will be on long protocol then!
In other news, I found out on FB today that a friend of mine who married this time last year has just left work on maternity leave (I had no idea and am thankful for her lack of nauseating pregnancy-related status updates). I felt a bit sick, as the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head. That means she was only trying for 3 months or so before she got pregnant. She is about the same age as me too. That said, I would never wish IF on her, I just wish I was fertile that's all!
I think the whole IF thing is so difficult because we are in a minority and most of society have no problem getting pregnant at all.
I dread what will happen and how I will feel if the IVF cycle fails. I will try again, but I don't know at what stage I will give up. I have already started thinking about/researching adoption. Is that ridiculous?
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
OK, slight change of plan
No sooner do I get confirmation of acceptance onto egg sharing scheme, do I get a letter from the NHS inviting me to start preliminary tests for IVF treatment- this essentially means that I can start an NHS funded cycle pretty soon.
I wasn't too sure whether or not to use up my NHS cycle as I had already started the egg share process, but my OH and various other internet IVF cyclers told me I should go for the NHS one if it is available.
I have thought about it, and I think I will go for my NHS cycle. For one thing, if I turn it down, I imagine I will get sent to the bottom of the waiting list should I need it if the egg sharing cycle fails. Also, a lot of people put fear into me about there not being enough eggs to share etc. The main thing is that the whole process is an emotional drain, if I share my eggs, it could make me feel worse (if the recipient falls pregnant and I don't e.g.).
Anyway, the next step for me is to contact the hospital when my AF arrives- due on Monday 29th. I need to have the blood tests again, Mr Vixen will be having another SA.
I wasn't too sure whether or not to use up my NHS cycle as I had already started the egg share process, but my OH and various other internet IVF cyclers told me I should go for the NHS one if it is available.
I have thought about it, and I think I will go for my NHS cycle. For one thing, if I turn it down, I imagine I will get sent to the bottom of the waiting list should I need it if the egg sharing cycle fails. Also, a lot of people put fear into me about there not being enough eggs to share etc. The main thing is that the whole process is an emotional drain, if I share my eggs, it could make me feel worse (if the recipient falls pregnant and I don't e.g.).
Anyway, the next step for me is to contact the hospital when my AF arrives- due on Monday 29th. I need to have the blood tests again, Mr Vixen will be having another SA.
Friday, 19 August 2011
WOW, that was faster than I thought
So. I went and had my egg sharing appointment about 3-4 weeks ago. They took bloods and said I would have to wait 6 weeks for the results.
Meanwhile, we had to get out GP to sign a letter to say that we have no hereditary diseases and that they are willing to disclose any further medical info should it be required. Also, Mr Vixen had to have bloods done for HIV and Hepatitis. Off he went to the Drs one morning whilst I went off to work. At work I got a phone call on my mobile, I picked it up and it was the GP. She was LOVELY. She was calling to make sure I was OK during this stressful time and to see if there is anything she can do for me. She said that they would do the tests (they are not obliged to on the NHS) and sign the letters- no charge (sometimes NHS charge for this kind of thing, it's the Dr's discrection). Made me feel really good.
Sent off the signed letter and Mr Vixen had his blood tests done on Tuesday. Today I got an email from the centre who said that my blood tests were "normal" (no figures given) and that, as they got the GP letter, they can proceed. I have been accepted! It's all happening faster than I thought! Was not expecting to hear from them for another 3 weeks. It's good really, as otherwise I would be anxiously checking my emails to see if they had accepted me or not.
Now I have to wait for Mr Vixen's blood results. I am not sure how long this will take, and I do not want to ring him as he is on his way to his stag do (bachelor for you Americans) for the weekend. When he gets back I will ask him how long it will take, then I can call the clinic and set up more appointments. We have to have counselling, SA and a "nurse planning meeting". I don't mind waiting a bit. My mind is not yet ready as I wasn't expecting it. I do not want to have IVF until after the wedding (in just under a month) as I am stressed enough! Don't worry, I will not be agreeing to this!
So in summary, I have received my results surprisingly early, and I have been accepted onto the egg sharing programme. All being well, I will start in October.
Now I have something to look forward to. I don't know how I will feel if it fails. I can't help but feel optimistic. The clinic's reputation is excellent and their success rates are 20% higher than NHS. My chances are 50% according to them. I like those odds. Mind you, there is of course a 50% chance of failure.
I hope I can get through this. I really do.
Meanwhile, we had to get out GP to sign a letter to say that we have no hereditary diseases and that they are willing to disclose any further medical info should it be required. Also, Mr Vixen had to have bloods done for HIV and Hepatitis. Off he went to the Drs one morning whilst I went off to work. At work I got a phone call on my mobile, I picked it up and it was the GP. She was LOVELY. She was calling to make sure I was OK during this stressful time and to see if there is anything she can do for me. She said that they would do the tests (they are not obliged to on the NHS) and sign the letters- no charge (sometimes NHS charge for this kind of thing, it's the Dr's discrection). Made me feel really good.
Sent off the signed letter and Mr Vixen had his blood tests done on Tuesday. Today I got an email from the centre who said that my blood tests were "normal" (no figures given) and that, as they got the GP letter, they can proceed. I have been accepted! It's all happening faster than I thought! Was not expecting to hear from them for another 3 weeks. It's good really, as otherwise I would be anxiously checking my emails to see if they had accepted me or not.
Now I have to wait for Mr Vixen's blood results. I am not sure how long this will take, and I do not want to ring him as he is on his way to his stag do (bachelor for you Americans) for the weekend. When he gets back I will ask him how long it will take, then I can call the clinic and set up more appointments. We have to have counselling, SA and a "nurse planning meeting". I don't mind waiting a bit. My mind is not yet ready as I wasn't expecting it. I do not want to have IVF until after the wedding (in just under a month) as I am stressed enough! Don't worry, I will not be agreeing to this!
So in summary, I have received my results surprisingly early, and I have been accepted onto the egg sharing programme. All being well, I will start in October.
Now I have something to look forward to. I don't know how I will feel if it fails. I can't help but feel optimistic. The clinic's reputation is excellent and their success rates are 20% higher than NHS. My chances are 50% according to them. I like those odds. Mind you, there is of course a 50% chance of failure.
I hope I can get through this. I really do.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Interesting...
Well, as usually happens when I announce on here that my AF is due, she arrived yesterday (a bit) then in full force today.
This is the strange part, I do not feel like I normally do (emotionally that is, physically worse than ever, but I shall gloss over that for now). Usually, when the witch arrives, I feel an emotion that has no name. It is made up of many feelings, disappointment, sadness, dispair, depression, the belief that I will never ever be a mum etc etc. I usually walk around on the verge of tears all day. Yesterday I felt a bit down at first, then, it slowly dawned on me that for some reason, this month I do not feel like jumping off the nearest bridge, crying endlessly or telling every living soul to do one. Honestly. No sadness. In fact I was relieved she didn't arrive later (thus ruining my relaxing holiday in the woods).
I don't know why, or what my thought process is, but I genuinely feel "normal". I feel like I used to, before TTC. I wish I did know why, if I did, I would bottle it and use it again! That's the worst thing about the TTC business, every cycle that fails, so many thoughts and emotions crowd my mind making me feel like a freak. I have said so often to my other half, "I can't just press a switch and make these feelings go away. I wish I could."
This month I have. I don't know how I have pressed the switch, but I am not complaining!
This is the strange part, I do not feel like I normally do (emotionally that is, physically worse than ever, but I shall gloss over that for now). Usually, when the witch arrives, I feel an emotion that has no name. It is made up of many feelings, disappointment, sadness, dispair, depression, the belief that I will never ever be a mum etc etc. I usually walk around on the verge of tears all day. Yesterday I felt a bit down at first, then, it slowly dawned on me that for some reason, this month I do not feel like jumping off the nearest bridge, crying endlessly or telling every living soul to do one. Honestly. No sadness. In fact I was relieved she didn't arrive later (thus ruining my relaxing holiday in the woods).
I don't know why, or what my thought process is, but I genuinely feel "normal". I feel like I used to, before TTC. I wish I did know why, if I did, I would bottle it and use it again! That's the worst thing about the TTC business, every cycle that fails, so many thoughts and emotions crowd my mind making me feel like a freak. I have said so often to my other half, "I can't just press a switch and make these feelings go away. I wish I could."
This month I have. I don't know how I have pressed the switch, but I am not complaining!
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
In one of those moods...
I am permanently tired. I have so much going on in my life and I wish it would stop.
The wedding: We get married next month and there are still little fiddly bits to do. I asked my Mum to go to the local cash and carry to buy a large jar of sweets and some small cartons of drink for the children at my wedding. I can't go as the wedding is being held in my home town over 200 miles away from London and I have NO time to do anything. She ended up buying 5 large jars of sweets and 3 times more drinks than required (and ended up spending £90- which she billed us for- on this crap). We had no intention of spending this kind of money on children and am annoyed my Mum didn't check with us first before spending that kind of money on something so frivolous. My other half went mad. He said that children these days are already spoilt/eat too many sweets and most of the sweets won't get eaten (I think that the sweets will get eaten as many adults love sweets, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth so can't believe it). Now I can't trust Mum to go and get stuff and she just goes mad (with our money too!).
My brother: He told me a few weeks ago that he is moving to London with his girlfriend to work and that he is planning on staying with Dad. I live in London, Dad lives a 40 minute train ride out of London. I told him that he and his girlfriend are welcome to stay with us for a few weeks whilst they settle in and find a place to live. Last week he told me that his girlfriend's work placement starts 2 days after our wedding and lasts 10 weeks. That means that when we come back from honeymoon we will not have any alone time. Additionally, this is when I am due to start IVF treatment and my other half has an exam (my brother doesn't know these things though). Any normal person would think, "Oh, they will have just got married and will have just returned from honeymoon. It is not appropriate for us to go and stay with them at that point." But not him. He is 27 and should know better. Now, I am going to have to tell him to go and stay with Dad for 3-4 weeks so that we can enjoy a bit of peace and quiet after having returned from our honeymoon (I will NOT be telling him about IVF). I am just irriatated that I have to tell him these things and he hasn't got the common sense to realise it for himself.
At work we have implimented a new computer system and it keeps going wrong. I have to keep on sorting it and I have no patience.
My AF is due (from yesterday and could arrive anytime up till Saturday- cycles for me vary from 24-28 days).
I haven't been able to sleep lately, it's hot and muggy in London. Plus I have a lot on my mind. I am exhausted and sick of it all. I am sick of thinking ahead and planning and doing. I want and need to relax.
Me and the Mr are going camping in the woods for a few days. Just us two. I can't wait. My AF is likely to show whilst I am camping. Not the best circumstances for AF (campsite toilets anyone?) but perhaps I will deal with it better in tranquil surroundings.
The wedding: We get married next month and there are still little fiddly bits to do. I asked my Mum to go to the local cash and carry to buy a large jar of sweets and some small cartons of drink for the children at my wedding. I can't go as the wedding is being held in my home town over 200 miles away from London and I have NO time to do anything. She ended up buying 5 large jars of sweets and 3 times more drinks than required (and ended up spending £90- which she billed us for- on this crap). We had no intention of spending this kind of money on children and am annoyed my Mum didn't check with us first before spending that kind of money on something so frivolous. My other half went mad. He said that children these days are already spoilt/eat too many sweets and most of the sweets won't get eaten (I think that the sweets will get eaten as many adults love sweets, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth so can't believe it). Now I can't trust Mum to go and get stuff and she just goes mad (with our money too!).
My brother: He told me a few weeks ago that he is moving to London with his girlfriend to work and that he is planning on staying with Dad. I live in London, Dad lives a 40 minute train ride out of London. I told him that he and his girlfriend are welcome to stay with us for a few weeks whilst they settle in and find a place to live. Last week he told me that his girlfriend's work placement starts 2 days after our wedding and lasts 10 weeks. That means that when we come back from honeymoon we will not have any alone time. Additionally, this is when I am due to start IVF treatment and my other half has an exam (my brother doesn't know these things though). Any normal person would think, "Oh, they will have just got married and will have just returned from honeymoon. It is not appropriate for us to go and stay with them at that point." But not him. He is 27 and should know better. Now, I am going to have to tell him to go and stay with Dad for 3-4 weeks so that we can enjoy a bit of peace and quiet after having returned from our honeymoon (I will NOT be telling him about IVF). I am just irriatated that I have to tell him these things and he hasn't got the common sense to realise it for himself.
At work we have implimented a new computer system and it keeps going wrong. I have to keep on sorting it and I have no patience.
My AF is due (from yesterday and could arrive anytime up till Saturday- cycles for me vary from 24-28 days).
I haven't been able to sleep lately, it's hot and muggy in London. Plus I have a lot on my mind. I am exhausted and sick of it all. I am sick of thinking ahead and planning and doing. I want and need to relax.
Me and the Mr are going camping in the woods for a few days. Just us two. I can't wait. My AF is likely to show whilst I am camping. Not the best circumstances for AF (campsite toilets anyone?) but perhaps I will deal with it better in tranquil surroundings.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Egg sharing?
Wellity, wellity, wellity (as Homer Simpson once said).
I called the PCT (the people who were keeping me waiting regarding my IVF funding). The man who I spoke to said that my local PCT has merged with 5 others (budget cuts) and gave me a different number to call in a completely different part of London. I called the number several times and it just rang out. I was just so deflated. I am now convinced when they eventually get back to me (if they get back to me) that they will tell me I have to wait. I decided that I am sick of waiting around for NHS letters and calls. I don't want to wait around like a mug dancing to their tune (if I can help it).
Kat- thanks for suggestion to move to Korea for cheaper treatment... seems a bit extreme (though come back to me in a year and I may be desperate to get the f*&k out of this country away from breeding family and friends).
I have been considering egg sharing. There are clinics here in London that will give you free IVF (that's right, free, including drugs, scans, counselling, blood tests and consultations) if you share your eggs.
At first the idea creeped me out. I saw it as selling my eggs (I know this is legal elsewhere in the world, but I am not comfortable with the idea). Also I wasn't sure how I would feel about another woman, essentially carrying and having my child. That was until I looked up egg donation on the internet. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there about women desperate to have a baby but unable to because they have poor quality eggs. Some are too old, some are young and have gone through early menopause, some have had cancer treatment etc etc. Every recipient was grateful for the eggs that were donated to them, it was really rather moving.
The there was the issue of the egg being "my" child. When I think about it, the egg will be fertilised by her partner and then carried and nourished by her. She will give birth and then raise the child. I now think about it in terms of sperm donation. Lots of men think nothing of donating sperm (taken gratefully by women who need it) and I have never had a problem with the idea of donating sperm for these purposes.
I have been thinking this over for a few months. The runaround that I was given by the NHS gave me the final push into the private clinic's direction. I called them last week and things moved quickly.
I went for my initial consultation today. The doctor told me all about the egg sharing programme. The recipient has no part in the selection of the donor. The donor and recipient are matched according to ethnicity, hair and eye colour (so that the recipient's baby looks like the recipient).
I had an internal scan and blood tests. I have to wait 6 weeks for the results of the blood tests (they test for things like cystic fibrosis which apparently takes a while), so I won't know if I am accepted onto the programme until then. I need to be clear of HIV, Hepatitis etc. They test my AMH levels (rather than FSH and LH) to see what my ovarian reserve is. If it's 11 or above then I will be eligible.
One interesting thing, she asked me why I wanted IVF. I told her that it was because I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. When she found out that I only had 1 tube, she said, "Then how is it unexplained infertility?" Very interesting.
I called the PCT (the people who were keeping me waiting regarding my IVF funding). The man who I spoke to said that my local PCT has merged with 5 others (budget cuts) and gave me a different number to call in a completely different part of London. I called the number several times and it just rang out. I was just so deflated. I am now convinced when they eventually get back to me (if they get back to me) that they will tell me I have to wait. I decided that I am sick of waiting around for NHS letters and calls. I don't want to wait around like a mug dancing to their tune (if I can help it).
Kat- thanks for suggestion to move to Korea for cheaper treatment... seems a bit extreme (though come back to me in a year and I may be desperate to get the f*&k out of this country away from breeding family and friends).
I have been considering egg sharing. There are clinics here in London that will give you free IVF (that's right, free, including drugs, scans, counselling, blood tests and consultations) if you share your eggs.
At first the idea creeped me out. I saw it as selling my eggs (I know this is legal elsewhere in the world, but I am not comfortable with the idea). Also I wasn't sure how I would feel about another woman, essentially carrying and having my child. That was until I looked up egg donation on the internet. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there about women desperate to have a baby but unable to because they have poor quality eggs. Some are too old, some are young and have gone through early menopause, some have had cancer treatment etc etc. Every recipient was grateful for the eggs that were donated to them, it was really rather moving.
The there was the issue of the egg being "my" child. When I think about it, the egg will be fertilised by her partner and then carried and nourished by her. She will give birth and then raise the child. I now think about it in terms of sperm donation. Lots of men think nothing of donating sperm (taken gratefully by women who need it) and I have never had a problem with the idea of donating sperm for these purposes.
I have been thinking this over for a few months. The runaround that I was given by the NHS gave me the final push into the private clinic's direction. I called them last week and things moved quickly.
I went for my initial consultation today. The doctor told me all about the egg sharing programme. The recipient has no part in the selection of the donor. The donor and recipient are matched according to ethnicity, hair and eye colour (so that the recipient's baby looks like the recipient).
I had an internal scan and blood tests. I have to wait 6 weeks for the results of the blood tests (they test for things like cystic fibrosis which apparently takes a while), so I won't know if I am accepted onto the programme until then. I need to be clear of HIV, Hepatitis etc. They test my AMH levels (rather than FSH and LH) to see what my ovarian reserve is. If it's 11 or above then I will be eligible.
One interesting thing, she asked me why I wanted IVF. I told her that it was because I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. When she found out that I only had 1 tube, she said, "Then how is it unexplained infertility?" Very interesting.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
You just keep me hangin' on
Well, I received a letter a month ago telling me that I am on the IVF waiting list. There was no indication on the letter how long the list is. I called and got told that my local area (Primary Care Trust -PCT) have bought into the services of the hospital where I have been referred and are negotiating a contract- I should call back in 3 weeks to find out what the new terms are and how long the waiting list is for my area. How ridiculously complicated.
So anyway, I called back yesterday and found out that my PCT have changed the criteria for IVF eligibility. The lady at the fertilty unit wouldn't tell me what the new terms are but said that my PCT will contact me soon (but she couldn't say when). What worried me was that she said, "It might be that they will just say you're fine as you are already on the waiting list." She told me to call her back if I hadn't heard from my PCT by 5th September. That's weeeeeeeeeks away.
I then Googled my PCT and found the new criteria. I won't qualify until October 2012 because you need to have had unexplained infertility for 3 years. I will be 31 then. If they had found what is wrong with me I could have it, the sticking point is the "unexplained" bit. The problem is, we are planning on moving next year, to a completely different area (and PCT). The area we move to may not offer IVF on NHS, if they do, we will be put to the bottom of the queue.
I have been in a great mood for days but this has really upset me. I think the reason is that I am so bothered is that not sure what my PCT will say. They may say it's fine, but they may not and I won't know until I hear from them and I don't know when that will be. Until I know I can't move on.
If they say that I can't have it until Oct 2012, I will look into having it done privately, funded by egg sharing. But I can't start the ball rolling with that until I have heard back from my PCT. Maybe I will call them. I am sick of waiting.
So anyway, I called back yesterday and found out that my PCT have changed the criteria for IVF eligibility. The lady at the fertilty unit wouldn't tell me what the new terms are but said that my PCT will contact me soon (but she couldn't say when). What worried me was that she said, "It might be that they will just say you're fine as you are already on the waiting list." She told me to call her back if I hadn't heard from my PCT by 5th September. That's weeeeeeeeeks away.
I then Googled my PCT and found the new criteria. I won't qualify until October 2012 because you need to have had unexplained infertility for 3 years. I will be 31 then. If they had found what is wrong with me I could have it, the sticking point is the "unexplained" bit. The problem is, we are planning on moving next year, to a completely different area (and PCT). The area we move to may not offer IVF on NHS, if they do, we will be put to the bottom of the queue.
I have been in a great mood for days but this has really upset me. I think the reason is that I am so bothered is that not sure what my PCT will say. They may say it's fine, but they may not and I won't know until I hear from them and I don't know when that will be. Until I know I can't move on.
If they say that I can't have it until Oct 2012, I will look into having it done privately, funded by egg sharing. But I can't start the ball rolling with that until I have heard back from my PCT. Maybe I will call them. I am sick of waiting.
Monday, 11 July 2011
My day in pictures- ways to be cheerful
My blog is always a mixed bag of emotions. Saturday I was in tears and my last post reflects the sadness. Yesterday (Sunday) I was a lot happier and more like my normal self.
My emotions are rather cyclical, and I'd say for most of the month I am "normal", I spend a couple of days (before AF) anxious and then a couple of days in the depths of dispair (AF and following day usually).
I had a lovely Sunday. I decided I wanted to be cheerful, and did things that I knew would make me feel happy. Even if only for a little bit.
At my hen do, I was given "Mr" and "Mrs" mugs. Now, I know we aren't married yet, but I am not a superstitious person and wanted to use them (as they are not a wedding present I thought there is no issue!).. We both love a cuppa (him more than me- he gets through at least 10 cups a day!) and these mugs felt special. I started the day with a lovely cup of tea made in these mugs...
I am really looking forward to being a married woman and these mugs remind me of the big day to come and the fact that we will soon be husband and wife. I love how he likes drinking from his too!
I had a shower and did my hair in an amazing updo... I bought a device made by a company called "Goody" that makes creating a "modern updo" very quick and easy, it's called the "Up Do Maker"... brilliant! My fiance couldn't take a good photo of my hair, but here is what it looked like (as posed by model, image stolen from t'internet) and here's the device used to create...
I put on one of my vintage summer dresses, Jackie O sunglasses and off we went to the pub. We sat outside in the beer garden in the sunshine. A beer in the pub during British summer time really is one of life's pleasures. The beer at the pub was all locally brewed and much nicer than standard fizzy lager. I had a wheat beer, followed by strawberry. Here's what he and I had:
Went home feeling a little tipsy and I carried on with my bunting project whilst watching a DVD of the Human League. I am making bunting to decorate the reception at my wedding. I am using vintage fabric scraps to create a mix-n-match effect. This is not my bunting, but it is similar...
Then we had Sunday dinner and watched a movie (whilst I knitted some more of my wedding shrug). It really was a lovely day.
My emotions are rather cyclical, and I'd say for most of the month I am "normal", I spend a couple of days (before AF) anxious and then a couple of days in the depths of dispair (AF and following day usually).
I had a lovely Sunday. I decided I wanted to be cheerful, and did things that I knew would make me feel happy. Even if only for a little bit.
At my hen do, I was given "Mr" and "Mrs" mugs. Now, I know we aren't married yet, but I am not a superstitious person and wanted to use them (as they are not a wedding present I thought there is no issue!).. We both love a cuppa (him more than me- he gets through at least 10 cups a day!) and these mugs felt special. I started the day with a lovely cup of tea made in these mugs...
I am really looking forward to being a married woman and these mugs remind me of the big day to come and the fact that we will soon be husband and wife. I love how he likes drinking from his too!
I had a shower and did my hair in an amazing updo... I bought a device made by a company called "Goody" that makes creating a "modern updo" very quick and easy, it's called the "Up Do Maker"... brilliant! My fiance couldn't take a good photo of my hair, but here is what it looked like (as posed by model, image stolen from t'internet) and here's the device used to create...
I put on one of my vintage summer dresses, Jackie O sunglasses and off we went to the pub. We sat outside in the beer garden in the sunshine. A beer in the pub during British summer time really is one of life's pleasures. The beer at the pub was all locally brewed and much nicer than standard fizzy lager. I had a wheat beer, followed by strawberry. Here's what he and I had:
Went home feeling a little tipsy and I carried on with my bunting project whilst watching a DVD of the Human League. I am making bunting to decorate the reception at my wedding. I am using vintage fabric scraps to create a mix-n-match effect. This is not my bunting, but it is similar...
Then we had Sunday dinner and watched a movie (whilst I knitted some more of my wedding shrug). It really was a lovely day.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Sunglasses to hide the tears, music to block the pain.
This weekend I travelled the 200 mile journey from London where I live to my mum's. Lots of wedding chores this weekend. Arrived at half nine and had a delicious takeaway curry. Went to bed and spent time looking through old photos of the family. Looking at photos of my brother and I when we were little filled me with melancholy. As I flicked through photo after photo of christmases, family holidays and grinning smily children with their whole futures ahead of them I felt bittersweet sorrow. I had a lovely childhood and grew up in a loving home. The little girl in the photo splashing in the pool, unwrapping presents, blowing out cables, being tickled and grinning endlessly will grow up and struggle to have a baby. She may never be able to create memories for a child of her own. I went to bed feeling rather sorrowful.
The next day I had my wedding hair trail, it went really well. My hair looked better than I imagined and my mum loved the bonding. Next was my dress fitting. I bought a vintage wedding dress on eBay a few months ago. It doesn't fit quite right, plus I want embellishments (more petticoats etc). The seamstress was ace. Chatty, confident and totally got the quirky vintage style I was trying to create. Suitably reassured and cheered up no end, I suggested a spot of shopping and lunch.
Off we went, happily browsing and picking up a few bits and bobs here and there. I needed the loo. That's when I realised, horrid nasty old Aunty Flo had arrived totally unexpectedly and she was 2 or 3 days early. Funnily enough I was relieved at first. I mean, at least I won't be on knicker- watch for the next 2 days and constantly poking my boobs to see if they hurt. I felt OK and surprised myself.
On the train back to London was when it hit me. My body has failed me again. It doesn't work. I can't do what so many others find easy. Thoughts of those horrible forum discussions crept in my mind, the things those bitches said - it's not life threatening, giving treatment to people like me causes people who need "more important" treatment to suffer, society hates me. It thinks I don't have a right to a baby. It thinks having a baby is a lifestyle choice.
I plugged myself into my iPod. I cracked up the volume to drown out my thoughts and stared out of the window as tears poured from my eyes - unseen as I was wearing a pair of sunglasses that I had happily purchased only a few hours ago.
The next day I had my wedding hair trail, it went really well. My hair looked better than I imagined and my mum loved the bonding. Next was my dress fitting. I bought a vintage wedding dress on eBay a few months ago. It doesn't fit quite right, plus I want embellishments (more petticoats etc). The seamstress was ace. Chatty, confident and totally got the quirky vintage style I was trying to create. Suitably reassured and cheered up no end, I suggested a spot of shopping and lunch.
Off we went, happily browsing and picking up a few bits and bobs here and there. I needed the loo. That's when I realised, horrid nasty old Aunty Flo had arrived totally unexpectedly and she was 2 or 3 days early. Funnily enough I was relieved at first. I mean, at least I won't be on knicker- watch for the next 2 days and constantly poking my boobs to see if they hurt. I felt OK and surprised myself.
On the train back to London was when it hit me. My body has failed me again. It doesn't work. I can't do what so many others find easy. Thoughts of those horrible forum discussions crept in my mind, the things those bitches said - it's not life threatening, giving treatment to people like me causes people who need "more important" treatment to suffer, society hates me. It thinks I don't have a right to a baby. It thinks having a baby is a lifestyle choice.
I plugged myself into my iPod. I cracked up the volume to drown out my thoughts and stared out of the window as tears poured from my eyes - unseen as I was wearing a pair of sunglasses that I had happily purchased only a few hours ago.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Advice for NHS IVF cyclers # 1.... stay away from discussions on internet forums
I have recently been going onto a discusssion forum. Today one of the posters posted a link to this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2011676/IVF-lottery-win-baby-launching-Britain.html.
If you can't be bothered to follow the link, it is a literal lottery to win IVF. You pay £20 to enter, if you win, you get up to £25,000 IVF treatment.
The discussion decsended into whether or not IVF should be available on the NHS. I should not have joined in. I know it's controversial, I know that their ideas will upset me, but I went ahead and joined in. Explaining why I think it should continue to be available on the NHS.
As I was a relative newbie, I got totally lynched. They ganged up and pulled me to pieces. I thought there would be other people on there who agreed with it and perhaps they would join in. Maybe there were, but they were too scared/didn't want to.
I know I asked for it, but they pulled apart every argument I used. They said having babies is a lifestyle choice (it isn't for me at the moment, it is a need and goes way further than lifestyle), they said my arguments were childish and that they were based on what was good for me and not the country. The main poster (who is going through IVF treatment herself- presumably privately) actually told me to "F off".
It sounds daft, maybe I should have thought of better arguments, I definitely should have stayed away, but I feel genuinely upset. Almost like I was bullied. Perhaps I asked for it. I feel really bad.
I have logged out and shan't go back.
If you can't be bothered to follow the link, it is a literal lottery to win IVF. You pay £20 to enter, if you win, you get up to £25,000 IVF treatment.
The discussion decsended into whether or not IVF should be available on the NHS. I should not have joined in. I know it's controversial, I know that their ideas will upset me, but I went ahead and joined in. Explaining why I think it should continue to be available on the NHS.
As I was a relative newbie, I got totally lynched. They ganged up and pulled me to pieces. I thought there would be other people on there who agreed with it and perhaps they would join in. Maybe there were, but they were too scared/didn't want to.
I know I asked for it, but they pulled apart every argument I used. They said having babies is a lifestyle choice (it isn't for me at the moment, it is a need and goes way further than lifestyle), they said my arguments were childish and that they were based on what was good for me and not the country. The main poster (who is going through IVF treatment herself- presumably privately) actually told me to "F off".
It sounds daft, maybe I should have thought of better arguments, I definitely should have stayed away, but I feel genuinely upset. Almost like I was bullied. Perhaps I asked for it. I feel really bad.
I have logged out and shan't go back.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
blogger won't let me comment :-(
I keep on posting comments to people's blogs and blogger pings up a message saying something like, "your message has been saved and could take a few minutes to appear"... I tried to post several comments yesterday on people's blogs and none of them have appeared even by today.
Anyone know why this could be?
Anyone know why this could be?
Monday, 4 July 2011
I have been a bad blogger- an apology
I have been away for a while, and would like my first post back to be an apology to ICLWers...
I signed up and then realised that I would be away in France the week of ICLW. I thought that I would be able to access the internet at my Gran's (in France) but the connection was bad and access was very sporadic. I then went on my hen weekend (if you're not British, read Bachelorette party) - I didn't have access then either! Am back now baby!
To try to make up for it, I will visit and comment all of those who visited and commented on my blog.
I would like to try ICLW in future but will be more careful and check the dates next time.
I signed up and then realised that I would be away in France the week of ICLW. I thought that I would be able to access the internet at my Gran's (in France) but the connection was bad and access was very sporadic. I then went on my hen weekend (if you're not British, read Bachelorette party) - I didn't have access then either! Am back now baby!
To try to make up for it, I will visit and comment all of those who visited and commented on my blog.
I would like to try ICLW in future but will be more careful and check the dates next time.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
have now decided that my luteal phase doesn't matter
Aftter having freaked myself out this past few months about luteal phases etc etc (inserrt yawn emoticon here)... I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter...
Rather than Google Luteal Phase defect, I Googled "Short Luteal Phase Successful Pregnancy" and found this on Baby and Bump- http://www.babyandbump.com/trying-to-conceive/552202-so-upset-short-leutal-phase-11-days-can-do.html.
If you can't be bothered to follow the link, there are loads of ladies with LPs of 10-11 days (some less) who have successfully conceived... I feel so much better having found this (I was worried that IVF would be doomed to failure because of this "defect")... My LP ranges from 9-11 days- was 11 days last month.
I think that this just goes to show that Google is not always your friend and sometimes reassurance can be found by entering something optimisitic rather than pessimistic.
I am one of life's worriers- sometimes the concerns are genuine usually they are over nothing. Yes I have "unexplained infertility" but that doesn't mean that I will never get my sprog. My sprog already has a name. It has to happen one day. It has to.
Rather than Google Luteal Phase defect, I Googled "Short Luteal Phase Successful Pregnancy" and found this on Baby and Bump- http://www.babyandbump.com/trying-to-conceive/552202-so-upset-short-leutal-phase-11-days-can-do.html.
If you can't be bothered to follow the link, there are loads of ladies with LPs of 10-11 days (some less) who have successfully conceived... I feel so much better having found this (I was worried that IVF would be doomed to failure because of this "defect")... My LP ranges from 9-11 days- was 11 days last month.
I think that this just goes to show that Google is not always your friend and sometimes reassurance can be found by entering something optimisitic rather than pessimistic.
I am one of life's worriers- sometimes the concerns are genuine usually they are over nothing. Yes I have "unexplained infertility" but that doesn't mean that I will never get my sprog. My sprog already has a name. It has to happen one day. It has to.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Meandering
I only tend to blog when something bad happens. When I am feeling OK, I don't really feel the need to write. I mainly use this blog as therapy!
Lately I have been googling "unexplained infertility IVF". I find the whole "unexplained" thingy hard to swallow. I mean, surely if nothing was wrong it would have happened by now. My thoughts are that there is something wrong and it is something that can't be fixed.Googling "unexplained infertility" made me feel better. I found lots of posts on forums from women in the same boat having the same thoughts. What was even better was that the posts were a couple of years old and most of them had successfully conceived (most through IVF, some naturally) and had their babies.
I am looking forward to my first hospital appointment. The clinic I am going to is well regarded and I intend on asking about luteal phase (and getting an expert opinion on whether there is such a thing as a luteal phase defect). If there is a problem, I am hoping IVF will bypass it as my cycles will be artificially controlled (and hopefully I will not have a short LP for my IVF cycle).
I know that the odds of it working for me (resulting in a live birth) are something like 33%- I am 29, healthy, good FSH levels etc etc...Apparently, IVF is a diagnostic tool, so we could go through the process and find something wrong- in a way I would be relieved, if there is a problem there should be a solution.
Lately I have been googling "unexplained infertility IVF". I find the whole "unexplained" thingy hard to swallow. I mean, surely if nothing was wrong it would have happened by now. My thoughts are that there is something wrong and it is something that can't be fixed.Googling "unexplained infertility" made me feel better. I found lots of posts on forums from women in the same boat having the same thoughts. What was even better was that the posts were a couple of years old and most of them had successfully conceived (most through IVF, some naturally) and had their babies.
I am looking forward to my first hospital appointment. The clinic I am going to is well regarded and I intend on asking about luteal phase (and getting an expert opinion on whether there is such a thing as a luteal phase defect). If there is a problem, I am hoping IVF will bypass it as my cycles will be artificially controlled (and hopefully I will not have a short LP for my IVF cycle).
I know that the odds of it working for me (resulting in a live birth) are something like 33%- I am 29, healthy, good FSH levels etc etc...Apparently, IVF is a diagnostic tool, so we could go through the process and find something wrong- in a way I would be relieved, if there is a problem there should be a solution.
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
CD 1 for me
I feel disappointed, but I got my IVF pack through a couple of days ago. I completed the questionnaire and sent it back. Fingers crossed I hear back from the hospital soon.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
luteal phase, caffeine and TTC
After a couple of months of TTC I found out that it is beneficial to give up caffeine so I did- I switched to de-caff... around this time I started tracking my cycles and using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs)... I soon discovered that I had a short luteal phase. The women’s cycle is one of two halves, the first half is the body gearing up for ovulation and is dominated by estrogen, the second half is gearing up for implantation and is dominated by progesterone. The part of the cycle following ovulation is called the luteal phase and should be between 10-16 days long. If the luteal phase is not long enough the womb lining starts to break down before the implantation of successfully fertilised egg can take place. In monitoring my cycles, I discovered that my luteal phase is border-line and varies from 9-11 days.
I have been diagnosed with “unexplained fertility”, this means that both myself and my other half have been tested and all seems to be fine. When I asked the doctor about luteal phase defect she looked at me like I was mad. She said that as long as I am producing enough progesterone 7 days post ovulation (I am ) then if an egg were to be fertilised my body would produce extra progesterone to nourish the pregnancy.
I say that perhaps my infertility is not unexplained! I wonder why there has not been more research into this. There is properly done medical research that shows luteal phase defect to be a problem, but NHS doctors don’t seem to accredit it.
There are natural supplements that can be taken for luteal phase defect and I have tried them to no avail (agnus castus, evening primrose, soya isoflavones). The only thing I haven’t tried is progesterone pessaries- these are prescription only. I won’t be able to get a prescription because my doctor doesn’t think I have a problem.
I tell you what I have noticed, my luteal phase is shorter when I eliminate caffeine from my diet. I don’t know what the link is, but I am convinced that there is one. I had no caffeine last month and my luteal phase was 9 days, this month I have had caffeine and I am on 11dpo and counting...
Monday, 13 June 2011
10 dpo and symptom spotting like mad :-/
I hate symptom spotting. I have mental conversations with myself that go something like this:
me: oooh, your boobs are sore today
me: stop it, your boobs are sore every month around this time
me: I have cramps
me: stop it, you have cramps every month around this time...
me: yes, but this month it could mean something
me: no, it means nothing, you're infertile, remember?
ad nauseum...
queue frantic typing of "10 dpo cramps" and "10 dpo sore boobs" into Google.
10 DPO and have had the above conversation with myself several times. And I have spent a good hour on google trying to find out if my CM could indicate pregnancy.
I will do a test tomorrow AM, no doubt it will be a BFN and then my AF will arrive later that day (this is what usually happens...
me: oooh, your boobs are sore today
me: stop it, your boobs are sore every month around this time
me: I have cramps
me: stop it, you have cramps every month around this time...
me: yes, but this month it could mean something
me: no, it means nothing, you're infertile, remember?
ad nauseum...
queue frantic typing of "10 dpo cramps" and "10 dpo sore boobs" into Google.
10 DPO and have had the above conversation with myself several times. And I have spent a good hour on google trying to find out if my CM could indicate pregnancy.
I will do a test tomorrow AM, no doubt it will be a BFN and then my AF will arrive later that day (this is what usually happens...
Friday, 3 June 2011
feeling cheerful
I went to the Drs yesterday and she was lovely. She has referred me to King's in London, which has a good rep and a shorter waiting list than the other hospital I was referred to. She said that I may not need the lap and dye, and is confident that if the first consultant told me that that I don't need one then the King's would probably be OK with that.
I feel so relieved, I didn't realise it, but I was worrying about this sub-consciously. Just have to wait for my appointment letter from King's now.
I feel so relieved, I didn't realise it, but I was worrying about this sub-consciously. Just have to wait for my appointment letter from King's now.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
mixed emotions
What a week it has been for me!
Monday- I went to IVF clinic who told me that I needed more investigative work done (even though the consultant at the previous hospital told me that he had done it all), that there was no funding and that the fertility dept at the hospital was in jeapordy. I asked if I could be transferred to another clinic to be told I had to do it through my GP. What a waste of time that all was! So I have an appointment tomorrow at the GP's and we'll see what she says.
Friday- Helping my sister in law (SIL) with wedding prep. Several times during the day people made comments to her about "when" SIL and BIL have children- each time it made my stomach churn. A reminder that for most people, having children happens quickly. My mother in law (MIL) was at it too- she said, "make sure that you keep that top tier of the wedding cake for my next grandchild. She is probably right, her next grandchild will come from my SIL and not from me and OH. And the one after that too I don't doubt. It really made me feel sick. The comment was not meant to hurt me (even though MIL knows I had an ectopic pregnancy last year) but it really did.
I forget now why the title of this post is "mixed emotions".... ah yes,
Saturday- Was a bridesmaid for SIL. Felt amazing, we were wearing the most beautiful dresses, had our hair and make up done and I felt like a movie star. My OH kept on saying how amazing I looked and a great time was had by all (oh yeah, the bride and groom looked amazing by the way he he he he). Got me looking forward to my own wedding in September. My SIL will be bridesmaid for me then- we are not ordering dresses until 6 weeks before the wedding (I decided to do this in case she is pregnant- I bet she will be). I will try so so hard to be happy for her, but I know I will feel sick and jealous.
I hate my body. It may look healthy, but something is wrong. I curse my own bad luck.
Monday- I went to IVF clinic who told me that I needed more investigative work done (even though the consultant at the previous hospital told me that he had done it all), that there was no funding and that the fertility dept at the hospital was in jeapordy. I asked if I could be transferred to another clinic to be told I had to do it through my GP. What a waste of time that all was! So I have an appointment tomorrow at the GP's and we'll see what she says.
Friday- Helping my sister in law (SIL) with wedding prep. Several times during the day people made comments to her about "when" SIL and BIL have children- each time it made my stomach churn. A reminder that for most people, having children happens quickly. My mother in law (MIL) was at it too- she said, "make sure that you keep that top tier of the wedding cake for my next grandchild. She is probably right, her next grandchild will come from my SIL and not from me and OH. And the one after that too I don't doubt. It really made me feel sick. The comment was not meant to hurt me (even though MIL knows I had an ectopic pregnancy last year) but it really did.
I forget now why the title of this post is "mixed emotions".... ah yes,
Saturday- Was a bridesmaid for SIL. Felt amazing, we were wearing the most beautiful dresses, had our hair and make up done and I felt like a movie star. My OH kept on saying how amazing I looked and a great time was had by all (oh yeah, the bride and groom looked amazing by the way he he he he). Got me looking forward to my own wedding in September. My SIL will be bridesmaid for me then- we are not ordering dresses until 6 weeks before the wedding (I decided to do this in case she is pregnant- I bet she will be). I will try so so hard to be happy for her, but I know I will feel sick and jealous.
I hate my body. It may look healthy, but something is wrong. I curse my own bad luck.
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Phrases I hate and other stories...
If there's a phrase I hate more than "relax and it will happen" it must be "chin up".
For some reason, when someone says, "chin up" I feel insulted. I wonder why this is? I think perhaps it is the implication that I am wallowing in self-pity, or that I am upsetting myself over nothing. It is a stupid archaic phrase that belongs in a Enid Blyton novel:
"Mother, I was going to the shop with my ha'penny to purchase some ginger beer when I tripped over Betsy's skipping rope and hurt my knee."
"There there Susan, it is only a grazed knee. Worse things happen at sea, now chin up."
I have been in a funny mood lately. Normally I keep my woes to myself, but this past couple of days I have poured my heart out to two random people. One of them is a friend on a wedding forum who didn't know what to say (look, my AF had arrived and I was in a bad place OK) and the other is a relative in Australia whom I haven't seen for years and years. Said relative is 33-ish and had just got engaged so I sent an email to congratulate her. She replied asking how my wedding plans are going and whether I want kids. So I sent her a massive email telling her everything. The reply? Something along the lines of, "Oh, I am so sorry. My friend had a baby by IVF. There is hope. Chin up."
I think I will go back to keeping things to myself.
For some reason, when someone says, "chin up" I feel insulted. I wonder why this is? I think perhaps it is the implication that I am wallowing in self-pity, or that I am upsetting myself over nothing. It is a stupid archaic phrase that belongs in a Enid Blyton novel:
"Mother, I was going to the shop with my ha'penny to purchase some ginger beer when I tripped over Betsy's skipping rope and hurt my knee."
"There there Susan, it is only a grazed knee. Worse things happen at sea, now chin up."
I have been in a funny mood lately. Normally I keep my woes to myself, but this past couple of days I have poured my heart out to two random people. One of them is a friend on a wedding forum who didn't know what to say (look, my AF had arrived and I was in a bad place OK) and the other is a relative in Australia whom I haven't seen for years and years. Said relative is 33-ish and had just got engaged so I sent an email to congratulate her. She replied asking how my wedding plans are going and whether I want kids. So I sent her a massive email telling her everything. The reply? Something along the lines of, "Oh, I am so sorry. My friend had a baby by IVF. There is hope. Chin up."
I think I will go back to keeping things to myself.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
I hate my body and everyone else for that matter...
Well, my stupid AF turned up 3 days early today. Soooooo pissed off. Not only am I not pregnant but my cycles are all fecked up (and my luteal phase was 9-10 days- worrying).
Am on my own this evening, my fiance (who will be known as The Mr for the rest of this post) is out- lucky for him otherwise I would be moaning and complaining to him. I feel so sorry for him at the moment. He is going through a lot of stress at work- he is co-ordinating his work's move from one office to another. Last night we went out for a meal with my dad and step-mum. When we got in The Mr started ranting about how stressed he is, how annoying/rude my dad is (kinda true to be honest- well, selfish and emotionally retarded is more like it) etc etc. I listened to him rant for a good hour and he calmed down. Then I off-loaded my stresses.
He was wonderful, he listened and said he could understand why I was upset. I mean, I don't think he gets it, he broke off at one point to draw a fertility graph- don't ask! Anyway, I think he may be up for us going to the private clinic for a consultation.
So for now I am suffering cramps and am miserable. I spotted about 731 heavily pregnant women on the way home from work. I hate them. I also hate anyone who got in my way when I was trying to stride home... and just other people generally.... except for The Mr. He can stay.
Am on my own this evening, my fiance (who will be known as The Mr for the rest of this post) is out- lucky for him otherwise I would be moaning and complaining to him. I feel so sorry for him at the moment. He is going through a lot of stress at work- he is co-ordinating his work's move from one office to another. Last night we went out for a meal with my dad and step-mum. When we got in The Mr started ranting about how stressed he is, how annoying/rude my dad is (kinda true to be honest- well, selfish and emotionally retarded is more like it) etc etc. I listened to him rant for a good hour and he calmed down. Then I off-loaded my stresses.
He was wonderful, he listened and said he could understand why I was upset. I mean, I don't think he gets it, he broke off at one point to draw a fertility graph- don't ask! Anyway, I think he may be up for us going to the private clinic for a consultation.
So for now I am suffering cramps and am miserable. I spotted about 731 heavily pregnant women on the way home from work. I hate them. I also hate anyone who got in my way when I was trying to stride home... and just other people generally.... except for The Mr. He can stay.
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
She's coming I just know it...
Well, I no longer have sore boobs, I know that stupid Aunt Flo will be making an appearance on Saturday- if not before.
I know it so well that I already feel miserable and moody about it.
There is no point to this post, but I started this blog to get things off my chest, something is on my chest so here I am offloading.
I have my first IVF appointment on Monday. Not looking forward to it. I know that they will tell me that the NHS waiting list is 18-24 months. I am cross about this. I have been referred to a hospital that is miles away and difficult for me to get to (and outside of the borough). There's an NHS clinic much closer with shorter waiting times, but my borough do not have a "service level agreement" with them(what ridiculous language is used by the public sector these days). If I lived 2 miles down the road I would be having my IVF treatment by now (the waiting list is 4 months, I was referred 4 months ago). Apparently residents in my borough are referred to the neaby clinic "in extreme cases". What?!? Why only then? Stupid postcode lottery.
I could complain about the service and system officially, but frankly, I have no energy to do this. I want to talk to my fiance about egg sharing and going private again, but I am worried he will kick off like he did last time.
Oh and to cap it off, one of my colleagues (the only one in my debt that I dislike) may be pregnant. She got married in October. It was a grand, ostentatious affair (she didn't pay) that we heard all about for months and months before the wedding. I was dreading this, I thought she would fall pregnant immediatelty. I think she has- no announcement has been made but she has put on weight, stopped making loud plans to go out and get drunk and keeps on having whispery conversations with her friends.
Not a good day for me today.
I know it so well that I already feel miserable and moody about it.
There is no point to this post, but I started this blog to get things off my chest, something is on my chest so here I am offloading.
I have my first IVF appointment on Monday. Not looking forward to it. I know that they will tell me that the NHS waiting list is 18-24 months. I am cross about this. I have been referred to a hospital that is miles away and difficult for me to get to (and outside of the borough). There's an NHS clinic much closer with shorter waiting times, but my borough do not have a "service level agreement" with them(what ridiculous language is used by the public sector these days). If I lived 2 miles down the road I would be having my IVF treatment by now (the waiting list is 4 months, I was referred 4 months ago). Apparently residents in my borough are referred to the neaby clinic "in extreme cases". What?!? Why only then? Stupid postcode lottery.
I could complain about the service and system officially, but frankly, I have no energy to do this. I want to talk to my fiance about egg sharing and going private again, but I am worried he will kick off like he did last time.
Oh and to cap it off, one of my colleagues (the only one in my debt that I dislike) may be pregnant. She got married in October. It was a grand, ostentatious affair (she didn't pay) that we heard all about for months and months before the wedding. I was dreading this, I thought she would fall pregnant immediatelty. I think she has- no announcement has been made but she has put on weight, stopped making loud plans to go out and get drunk and keeps on having whispery conversations with her friends.
Not a good day for me today.
Monday, 16 May 2011
Driving myself mental in the 2ww...
OK, it's CD 23, my cycles are 26 days so my AF is due on Saturday.
Fiance and I have done all we can- bd every night for a week, used OPKs so I know we could have caught the right time, no alcohol or caffeine for me (after I read that just 1 drink a week can reduce your chances of conceiving by 7%).
I watched the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday with a friend- a tall order sober I can tell you- have you SEEN the Eurovision Song Contest??? I got to her flat and she looked at me in bewilderment when I said I wasn't drinking (like I was mad or something). I lied and said I am on anti-biotics and I should be drinking again by next weekend (when I will see her again for a BBQ)... my inner pessimist. She told me that she doesn't stop drinking when on anti-biotics, I stuck to my guns though (apart from one fleeting moment when I though the UK would win- we were top of the leader board at the beginning very briefly). I will be miffed if it is not my time.
Deep down I know it won't be, but I still think I might. They have found nothing wrong with me, so there may be nothing wrong with me (my inner pessimist says that there is something wrong with me but they don't know what it is- I think I have a short luteal phase- as it's 12 days, but the Dr says there's no such thing- humph).
I keep on checking to see if my boobs are still sore. If they stop being sore the day before period is due I will be depressed. I haven't tested early in such a long time (by which I mean on the day of or before my period), but I might do this month. I am going to a BBQ on Sat, I will test Sat morning because if I am not pregnant I have to drink. I have to. I miss it. Especially cava.
Fiance and I have done all we can- bd every night for a week, used OPKs so I know we could have caught the right time, no alcohol or caffeine for me (after I read that just 1 drink a week can reduce your chances of conceiving by 7%).
I watched the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday with a friend- a tall order sober I can tell you- have you SEEN the Eurovision Song Contest??? I got to her flat and she looked at me in bewilderment when I said I wasn't drinking (like I was mad or something). I lied and said I am on anti-biotics and I should be drinking again by next weekend (when I will see her again for a BBQ)... my inner pessimist. She told me that she doesn't stop drinking when on anti-biotics, I stuck to my guns though (apart from one fleeting moment when I though the UK would win- we were top of the leader board at the beginning very briefly). I will be miffed if it is not my time.
Deep down I know it won't be, but I still think I might. They have found nothing wrong with me, so there may be nothing wrong with me (my inner pessimist says that there is something wrong with me but they don't know what it is- I think I have a short luteal phase- as it's 12 days, but the Dr says there's no such thing- humph).
I keep on checking to see if my boobs are still sore. If they stop being sore the day before period is due I will be depressed. I haven't tested early in such a long time (by which I mean on the day of or before my period), but I might do this month. I am going to a BBQ on Sat, I will test Sat morning because if I am not pregnant I have to drink. I have to. I miss it. Especially cava.
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
I have a confession to make...
I don't know if I am the only person TTC who feels this way, but sometimes, (only sometimes) I feel relieved that I don't have children and think that life wouldn't be too bad without them.
These feelings, when they happen, tend to occur after ovulation- up until the day my period is due (thought when my period arrives I hate my body, the world and my luck! I wonder if it is my way of coping with the fact that nothing is happening for us.
I was watching Outnumbered yesterday (a brilliant BBC comedy), series 3 episode 1 in which the gran takes the family out to London for a day trip. The children's ages range from 7-14 (or thereabouts). The way that the children were ungrateful and disengaged with the day trip (which they saw as boring because there was not enough "entertainment" or they were not able to send texts because their phone had run out of battery) rang true. I distinctly remember miserable family days out- usually ones where we are stuck in a car going somewhere or another for hours on end during which my brother and I would row, I would get a smack from my parents for being naughty, I would sulk then we would go home. Now not every family trip was like this, but there were plenty of them and it got me thinking. I have spent a year and a half dreaming of being pregnant and having a cute baby/toddler but sometimes, when I think about what they will grow into, it fills me with dread.
In the same episode of Outnumbered I also noticed the relationship between the gran and the parents (her son and daughter in law) which seemed rather cringey- they saw the gran as a pain and a hinderance... is that what I will become? Will my potential offspring gradually grow tired of me and see me as an annoyance rather than as a fun person to be around?
I hope you don't think I am a bad person, most of the time I want a child of my own so badly it hurts, but every so often I see things from the other side.
These feelings, when they happen, tend to occur after ovulation- up until the day my period is due (thought when my period arrives I hate my body, the world and my luck! I wonder if it is my way of coping with the fact that nothing is happening for us.
I was watching Outnumbered yesterday (a brilliant BBC comedy), series 3 episode 1 in which the gran takes the family out to London for a day trip. The children's ages range from 7-14 (or thereabouts). The way that the children were ungrateful and disengaged with the day trip (which they saw as boring because there was not enough "entertainment" or they were not able to send texts because their phone had run out of battery) rang true. I distinctly remember miserable family days out- usually ones where we are stuck in a car going somewhere or another for hours on end during which my brother and I would row, I would get a smack from my parents for being naughty, I would sulk then we would go home. Now not every family trip was like this, but there were plenty of them and it got me thinking. I have spent a year and a half dreaming of being pregnant and having a cute baby/toddler but sometimes, when I think about what they will grow into, it fills me with dread.
In the same episode of Outnumbered I also noticed the relationship between the gran and the parents (her son and daughter in law) which seemed rather cringey- they saw the gran as a pain and a hinderance... is that what I will become? Will my potential offspring gradually grow tired of me and see me as an annoyance rather than as a fun person to be around?
I hope you don't think I am a bad person, most of the time I want a child of my own so badly it hurts, but every so often I see things from the other side.
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Alcohol and its impact on fertility
This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.
I love a drink. I drink socially and sometimes at home. I love wine and beer and yes, I actually like the taste of it (unlike some of my friends who don't like the taste and so only drink alcohol that doesn't taste of alcohol).
I am social person and I love meeting with my friends in the pub. If you meet in the pub and everyone is drinking, it is difficult to say no. Not only are you surrounded by temptation, your friends want to know why you are not drinking. My biggest fear is that they will think I am pregnant when I am not.
I had an ectopic pregnancy last year, before I knew it was ectopic (but after I knew there may be a problem with the pregnancy) were were at a games night. Those at the games night are big drinkers and wanted to know why I wasn't drinking. I had to lie and say I was on antibiotics.
When I went to the fertility clinic, I was told I shouldn't be drinking at all. Not even in moderation. The NHS's line is, if you are trying for a baby, you should drink like a pregnant lady. Apparently it affects your fertility. I wouldn't mind giving up if pregnant, there would be a reason. Giving up drinking completely in the hope of getting pregnant seems crazy to me. We have been trying for a year and a half. Does that mean that I shouldn't have been drinking all that time?
Studies have shown that even light drinking (1-5 units a week) can affect fertilty. Reasons given are that it can affect hormones, delay ovulation or prevent ovulation altogether.
I will give up again, but it is very difficult. Especially when I know that many women who drink far more than me fall pregnant despite the fact that they drink.
Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Here is a link to one of the recent studies:
http://www.bmj.com/content/317/7157/505.full
I love a drink. I drink socially and sometimes at home. I love wine and beer and yes, I actually like the taste of it (unlike some of my friends who don't like the taste and so only drink alcohol that doesn't taste of alcohol).
I am social person and I love meeting with my friends in the pub. If you meet in the pub and everyone is drinking, it is difficult to say no. Not only are you surrounded by temptation, your friends want to know why you are not drinking. My biggest fear is that they will think I am pregnant when I am not.
I had an ectopic pregnancy last year, before I knew it was ectopic (but after I knew there may be a problem with the pregnancy) were were at a games night. Those at the games night are big drinkers and wanted to know why I wasn't drinking. I had to lie and say I was on antibiotics.
When I went to the fertility clinic, I was told I shouldn't be drinking at all. Not even in moderation. The NHS's line is, if you are trying for a baby, you should drink like a pregnant lady. Apparently it affects your fertility. I wouldn't mind giving up if pregnant, there would be a reason. Giving up drinking completely in the hope of getting pregnant seems crazy to me. We have been trying for a year and a half. Does that mean that I shouldn't have been drinking all that time?
Studies have shown that even light drinking (1-5 units a week) can affect fertilty. Reasons given are that it can affect hormones, delay ovulation or prevent ovulation altogether.
I will give up again, but it is very difficult. Especially when I know that many women who drink far more than me fall pregnant despite the fact that they drink.
Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Here is a link to one of the recent studies:
http://www.bmj.com/content/317/7157/505.full
Thursday, 28 April 2011
The Royal Wedding
Well, in case you hadn't noticed, there's a bit of an event occurring in London tomorrow. Not fussed either way, but hey ho, we get a day off work, so great!
I will be spending the day with my two bridesmaids-to-be making eating scones and jam and making bunting for my own wedding in September.
This wedding has got me thinking though. The media are going on about it (as one would expect), but I think they will be worse after the wedding. Poor Kate, she will be the most watched newlywed in the world. "Is she?" "Isn't she?", what if she puts on a few pounds during the honeymoon? Will she be offended that the press are speculating about whether or not she is pregnant? Then my biggest fear of all, that she does fall pregnant immediately. Then we will have months of pregnancy bump photos etc- Kate stroking her bump, Wills and Kate holding hands, walking on the beach- bump proudly displayed, Wills stroking Kate's bump. Urgh. Pass me the sick bucket.
I myself am dreading this part of married life. I remember when my partner's brother got married, everyone was constantly looking at his wife's stomach and making comments behind her back or noticing if she wasn't drinking. This speculation went on for 3 years (that's how long it took her to get pregnant).
Before we were engaged we were constantly getting asked when we were going to start a family. My mum would say things like, "don't leave it too long, it might be too late"... (sadly she may be right :-/). I would always coyly say, "oh, sometime in the future" rather than, "we're trying it's not happening, it's got nothing to do with you, so PISS OFF!". Worse than this is my other half's Mum. We have loads of neices and nephews now, whenever I hold them or play with them I get comments like, "that suits you", "you're a natural" or the most hurtful of all, "you'd make a good mum". I am sure I would, I wish/hope that one day I will get the chance to be. I can never say this, just smile politely and change the subject.
Now we are engaged, the pressure is off for now, but I know it will be back on the minute we step out of that register office. A (male) colleague made a comment along the lines of "after you get married, it won't be long before you are the familiy way". If only it was that simple.
I will be spending the day with my two bridesmaids-to-be making eating scones and jam and making bunting for my own wedding in September.
This wedding has got me thinking though. The media are going on about it (as one would expect), but I think they will be worse after the wedding. Poor Kate, she will be the most watched newlywed in the world. "Is she?" "Isn't she?", what if she puts on a few pounds during the honeymoon? Will she be offended that the press are speculating about whether or not she is pregnant? Then my biggest fear of all, that she does fall pregnant immediately. Then we will have months of pregnancy bump photos etc- Kate stroking her bump, Wills and Kate holding hands, walking on the beach- bump proudly displayed, Wills stroking Kate's bump. Urgh. Pass me the sick bucket.
I myself am dreading this part of married life. I remember when my partner's brother got married, everyone was constantly looking at his wife's stomach and making comments behind her back or noticing if she wasn't drinking. This speculation went on for 3 years (that's how long it took her to get pregnant).
Before we were engaged we were constantly getting asked when we were going to start a family. My mum would say things like, "don't leave it too long, it might be too late"... (sadly she may be right :-/). I would always coyly say, "oh, sometime in the future" rather than, "we're trying it's not happening, it's got nothing to do with you, so PISS OFF!". Worse than this is my other half's Mum. We have loads of neices and nephews now, whenever I hold them or play with them I get comments like, "that suits you", "you're a natural" or the most hurtful of all, "you'd make a good mum". I am sure I would, I wish/hope that one day I will get the chance to be. I can never say this, just smile politely and change the subject.
Now we are engaged, the pressure is off for now, but I know it will be back on the minute we step out of that register office. A (male) colleague made a comment along the lines of "after you get married, it won't be long before you are the familiy way". If only it was that simple.
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
I don't want infertility to ruin my "marriage".
Marriage is in quotation marks because my fiance and I are not yet married, but I call this a marriage as I feel we have been married for years.
I have recently started to read infertility blogs and one theme that crops up a lot is the pressure and strain it puts on a relationship. I can totally see why and it started to happen to us last year. Women and men have different outlooks on infertility. My boyfriend seems to think that we should be getting on with our lives and not dwelling on things. I would LOVE to do that, but it is easier said than done. Sometimes I think that he is being selfish when he doesn't want to listen, but the realist in my knows that he is just sick and tired of hearing it and it is selfish of me to be going on about it.
If I really think about it, and remember why we are together and how we used to be, I know that I love him more than I love the idea of having a baby. If it came down to it I had to choose- him or a baby, I would choose him.
That doesn't make this process any easier though. Here is my list of things to do to distract you from TTC*:
-Knitting, I spent all of last year dreaming about what I could make for our baby, this year I have given up such thoughts and am concentrating on making adult jumpers. They take ages but at least they will be worn.
-Training for a marathon/half marathon- Last year I signed up for an October half marathon in February. I secretly hoped I would fall pregnant and be able to use this an excuse for not doing the thing. Unfortunately nothing doing, so I had to train. I trained too hard too fast, gave myself shin splints and had to stop training 4 weeks before the run. Therefore when I did the run I had fallen out of shape and did very badly. So badly I wanted to call my Mum to pick me up (my fiance wouldn't let me- he was running with me- he said if I did that it would be "pathetic" and I should keep going). I did finish, but I am so embarrassed about the time I got that I am not going to publish it here.
-Gardening, I live in a flat in London and have no garden to speak of, just a small yard (with a container garden). In 2009 I was feeling industrious and decided to set up a Community Allotment. The council were rubbish and they gave us permission at the end of the summer last year (so too late to plant anything). This year they offered us a Community Payback (or what I very politically correctly call a "chain gang") to dig it for free. They were meant to come in February, but, the council being the council, work actually began 2 weeks ago. Now it is all becoming real and I am scared! What if it gets destroyed by vandals? What if our plants don't grow?
-Planning a wedding, getting married in September and I am making the decorations myself- bunting, fabric hearts, place cards, table numbers, seating plans. I am OK on a sewing machine and I love making things. I have bought a vintage dress that I cannot wear if I get pregnant before then. But, and how sick is this, I don't care. I would be happy, I wouldn't care if I was a pregnant bride, I would wear a sack, if I were pregnant this would not bother me! Nor would the fact that I couldn't drink at my own wedding. Every month, I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, and it is a good thing that I am not pregnant, as, at least I will be thin on my wedding day and be able to wear the dress. Deep down, I do care and will happily be a fat bride if I am preggers.
*by distract, read, slightly occupy and let people think that you are getting on with other things but really your mind comes back to the same thing.
I have recently started to read infertility blogs and one theme that crops up a lot is the pressure and strain it puts on a relationship. I can totally see why and it started to happen to us last year. Women and men have different outlooks on infertility. My boyfriend seems to think that we should be getting on with our lives and not dwelling on things. I would LOVE to do that, but it is easier said than done. Sometimes I think that he is being selfish when he doesn't want to listen, but the realist in my knows that he is just sick and tired of hearing it and it is selfish of me to be going on about it.
If I really think about it, and remember why we are together and how we used to be, I know that I love him more than I love the idea of having a baby. If it came down to it I had to choose- him or a baby, I would choose him.
That doesn't make this process any easier though. Here is my list of things to do to distract you from TTC*:
-Knitting, I spent all of last year dreaming about what I could make for our baby, this year I have given up such thoughts and am concentrating on making adult jumpers. They take ages but at least they will be worn.
-Training for a marathon/half marathon- Last year I signed up for an October half marathon in February. I secretly hoped I would fall pregnant and be able to use this an excuse for not doing the thing. Unfortunately nothing doing, so I had to train. I trained too hard too fast, gave myself shin splints and had to stop training 4 weeks before the run. Therefore when I did the run I had fallen out of shape and did very badly. So badly I wanted to call my Mum to pick me up (my fiance wouldn't let me- he was running with me- he said if I did that it would be "pathetic" and I should keep going). I did finish, but I am so embarrassed about the time I got that I am not going to publish it here.
-Gardening, I live in a flat in London and have no garden to speak of, just a small yard (with a container garden). In 2009 I was feeling industrious and decided to set up a Community Allotment. The council were rubbish and they gave us permission at the end of the summer last year (so too late to plant anything). This year they offered us a Community Payback (or what I very politically correctly call a "chain gang") to dig it for free. They were meant to come in February, but, the council being the council, work actually began 2 weeks ago. Now it is all becoming real and I am scared! What if it gets destroyed by vandals? What if our plants don't grow?
-Planning a wedding, getting married in September and I am making the decorations myself- bunting, fabric hearts, place cards, table numbers, seating plans. I am OK on a sewing machine and I love making things. I have bought a vintage dress that I cannot wear if I get pregnant before then. But, and how sick is this, I don't care. I would be happy, I wouldn't care if I was a pregnant bride, I would wear a sack, if I were pregnant this would not bother me! Nor would the fact that I couldn't drink at my own wedding. Every month, I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, and it is a good thing that I am not pregnant, as, at least I will be thin on my wedding day and be able to wear the dress. Deep down, I do care and will happily be a fat bride if I am preggers.
*by distract, read, slightly occupy and let people think that you are getting on with other things but really your mind comes back to the same thing.
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
general thoughts and musings on getting pregnant
At school we are taught, if you EVER have sex without protection YOU WILL get pregnant straight away and it will ruin your life forever.
Before we started trying, I assumed it would happen for us straight away. Of course, I had heard of people having trouble conceiving, but that was them not us. We were in our late twenties, had the correct BMI, healthy, liked exercising and no-one in either family had fertility problems to the best of our knowledge. When we tried, we would fall quickly, I would have a trouble-free pregnancy and a quick birth.
Getting pregnant is not always easy. It is easy for most but not all. I should have known we would have problems. It is just typical.
We have been a couple for 10 years now, why the hell did we not start trying 5 years ago? Oh the arrogance of youth. I remember saying to him (a year before we started trying), "I think we should try in January, that way we can have the baby before Christmas, I don't want to be pregnant over Christmas."
Now, I don't care when I am pregnant as long as it happens. I really hope it does and that this is a blog with a happy ending.
Before we started trying, I assumed it would happen for us straight away. Of course, I had heard of people having trouble conceiving, but that was them not us. We were in our late twenties, had the correct BMI, healthy, liked exercising and no-one in either family had fertility problems to the best of our knowledge. When we tried, we would fall quickly, I would have a trouble-free pregnancy and a quick birth.
Getting pregnant is not always easy. It is easy for most but not all. I should have known we would have problems. It is just typical.
We have been a couple for 10 years now, why the hell did we not start trying 5 years ago? Oh the arrogance of youth. I remember saying to him (a year before we started trying), "I think we should try in January, that way we can have the baby before Christmas, I don't want to be pregnant over Christmas."
Now, I don't care when I am pregnant as long as it happens. I really hope it does and that this is a blog with a happy ending.
Egg sharing
So, I have filled you all in on my story so far. Well, most of it.
I was shocked that the next step for us is IVF. Since looking into it more, I have got used to the idea and actually want to get started on it as soon as possible.
I live in London, and I have spotted ads on the tube offering free IVF for egg sharers. At first the idea appalled me. It almost seemed that it was a way around selling a baby. The more I investigated, the more I realised that this is not really the case. There are women who have had chemo or are going through early menopause who would otherwise have no chance of having a baby. It is a collection of cells and DNA and, not really different from donating sperm. The recipient would grow the baby herself and the baby would take nourishment from her. And so, it really wouldn't be my baby at all, but the recipients.
The conclusion I came to was that I really want to give this a go, and would like to start sooner rather than later. My fiance however, would take some convincing. And now we come to the lowest part of my life so far.
I came home from work and said, "I want to talk to you about IVF." He said, "To be honest, I just wish that you would forget about it." This started the mother of all arguments. We had to leave the flat as my brother was staying with us and we didn't want him to see us.
And so that is how we came to be sitting by the Thames rowing. My fiance in dispair, I in dispair. The chill wind throwing my hair around my shoulders, freezing us to our bones and making the row all the more unpleasant. I have never felt as low as I did then. I just wanted to jump in the river. All I wanted was to be able to openly discuss my hopes and fears and for him to offer me comfort. Now I think that I was a little selfish. No-one has endless patience to listen to the same moaning over and over. I am always speculating and wondering, he prefers not to think about it. I told him that those times when I don't mention it (and I can go like this for weeks) it is not far from my mind and I am doing all I can to distract myself from my main fear. The fear that we will never have children. If we don't, will we get over it and have happy lives?
I was shocked that the next step for us is IVF. Since looking into it more, I have got used to the idea and actually want to get started on it as soon as possible.
I live in London, and I have spotted ads on the tube offering free IVF for egg sharers. At first the idea appalled me. It almost seemed that it was a way around selling a baby. The more I investigated, the more I realised that this is not really the case. There are women who have had chemo or are going through early menopause who would otherwise have no chance of having a baby. It is a collection of cells and DNA and, not really different from donating sperm. The recipient would grow the baby herself and the baby would take nourishment from her. And so, it really wouldn't be my baby at all, but the recipients.
The conclusion I came to was that I really want to give this a go, and would like to start sooner rather than later. My fiance however, would take some convincing. And now we come to the lowest part of my life so far.
I came home from work and said, "I want to talk to you about IVF." He said, "To be honest, I just wish that you would forget about it." This started the mother of all arguments. We had to leave the flat as my brother was staying with us and we didn't want him to see us.
And so that is how we came to be sitting by the Thames rowing. My fiance in dispair, I in dispair. The chill wind throwing my hair around my shoulders, freezing us to our bones and making the row all the more unpleasant. I have never felt as low as I did then. I just wanted to jump in the river. All I wanted was to be able to openly discuss my hopes and fears and for him to offer me comfort. Now I think that I was a little selfish. No-one has endless patience to listen to the same moaning over and over. I am always speculating and wondering, he prefers not to think about it. I told him that those times when I don't mention it (and I can go like this for weeks) it is not far from my mind and I am doing all I can to distract myself from my main fear. The fear that we will never have children. If we don't, will we get over it and have happy lives?
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