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Friday 30 December 2011

POAS addict

Well, I tested again this morning. Very early. 4am in fact. The line was a little darker and still there. Was still not that happy (though relieved it hadn't disappeared).

Went to the chemist and bought different brands as I think that the brand I was using was a bit dodgy. I spent £23 on 2 FRs and 2 CB digis. Money well spent. Tested just now (midday) and very strong positive on the FR and 2-3 weeks on CB digi. Feel a bit more excited. Was worried it was a chemical. I will be able to relax a little bit now.

Have no symptoms apart from bloating (left over from EC) and occasional cramps. Am tired but that's because I haven't been sleeping due to anxiety!

Called the clinic and have my first scan on the 16th Jan. They tried to give me Friday 13th but I turned it down. Don't want to tempt fate there!

There is no BETA test, it's quite common here at British clinics. My clinic is NHS and private but it is very well thought of and one of the best in London. I am sure there are reasons. I would rather have one just for my own piece of mind.

I will probably do regular POAS until I have had the scan, but the 2-3 weeks on the CB digi is good. If you are are unfamiliar, the conception indicator can say 1-2, 2-3 or 3+  (when the doctors here would say 3-4, 4-5 and 5+) so I reckon my levels must be pretty good.

I drank pineapple juice and ate brazil nuts after ET, listened to Zita West IVF relaxation CD every night, had no booze and no caffeine. Don't know if this is what made it work, but I wanted to try everything as I didn't want to regret anything and wonder "what if?".

Thursday 29 December 2011

I tested!

It's a BFP. I used a sensitive test and it came up within 1 minute. A bit worried as it is not that dark a line, but I tested in the afternoon 2 hours after I had previously been to the toilet, so the pee wasn't that concentrated.

Will still test in the AM with FMU, I really really hope that the line is still there. I have been here before and not had good news.

For now I am relaxing a bit, but still not going to accept that I am pg. Not for a long while. I daren't.

10dp5dt, 15 days after EC BRICKING IT

On my way home back to London having spent Christmas with our families up North. Tomorrow is OTD and last night I couldn't sleep, I tossed
and turned. Feel sick with worry. I really don't want to see that little white space where a line should be. I can't imagine getting a BFP, I want one but it seems so unlikely. Nothing ever works for me, my body lets me down so often.

I had some symptoms- cramps and bloating. My boobs were sore but I don't count that as I know it's definitely the pessaries (they were sore before the transfer). I know cramps can mean anything good or bad but I was hopeful about the bloating. I thought it could mean that the preggo hormones were keeping my follies large. I woke up this morning and my bloating had gone right down. Gutted. The cramps have turned into a dull ache. No sign of AF which is good as I have always had a short luteal phase (9-12 days, I am now 15 days past ovulation) BUT I know that it is the Cyclogest (progesterone) pessaries keeping it away.

I can't take this anymore, all this speculating. It's horrible. I think I will test today, when I get home -1 day early. I will use a FR test and think
I will get an accurate result. If it's BFN I
almost won't want to stop pessaries, I love not having AF. I will stop though as I can use them for luteal support for natural TTC.

Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I am a nervous wreck.

Tuesday 20 December 2011

Well I am PUPO

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (in case you are unfamiliar with the lingo). Not always a fan of the TTC language but I often use it as it is easier. I really like PUPO as it's a postitive way of looking at things. My least favourite term, ironically is BFP. I dislike the overuse of the word "fat" in relation to big or exciting things- it's prevalent at the moment especially in relation to weddings. There's "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" (great trash TV) and have heard people refer to their own weddings as "My Big Fat DIY Wedding" and "My Big Fat Blonde Wedding". I can't wait for that phrase to die a death. Anyway, whilst I don't really like BFP, I like BFN (maybe the reason I have failed to get pregnant) but only the F doesn't stand for "Fat", rather a four-letter word.

The transfer was yesterday. I got a call in the morning saying that I had one top quality blastocyst (an embryo that has been developed for 5 or more days) one good blastocyst and some others that look like they will be good but not there yet. I was told to empty my bladder 1 hour before the appointment then slowly drink 1.5 litres of water.


An hour before the appointment I duly had a pee, then I caught the train. 20 minutes before the appointment I remembered that was supposed to be drinking copious amounts of water. Ooops. I necked the bottle that I had with me, got off the train and got the to clinic. My bladder felt pretty empty. Panicking, I grabbed 2 cups of water from the water cooler. Still nothing. I sent my husband off to get 2 more, still nothing. I had one more cup and thought I had better leave it. Luckily they were 20 minutes late seeing me, and when we got shown into theatre the doctor and embryologists were talking to us for about 10 minutes after which time my bladder felt pretty full.

We were told that there were 4 blastos and that the blasto they were going to use today was the best one and was of excellent quality. They only allow 1 to be put back because I am under 35 and this is my first go- they follow the HEFA guidelines to reduce the chance of multiple pregnancy http://www.oneatatime.org.uk/. The doctor told me that at my clinic they found pregnancy rates higher for single transfers than double or triple. She wasn't sure why but said it might be because the embies aren't competing with each other. There 3 other embies that were good quality and therefore suitable for freezing. So we would have one put back and 3 frosties- just in case this doesn't work.

I got into the stirrups and a speculum was used to open me up. Jelly was put onto my stomach for the ultrasound and the embryologist who worked it pressed down really hard. Very difficult to endure when you need to pee! A catheter was inserted into my womb- I could see it go in. It was pretty cool. Then I saw my little blastocyst on the screen- I had to confirm it was my name on the petri dish. Then it was flushed in through the catheter. Was quick, easy and painless. Uncomfortable but not painful.


So now we wait. I have to take 2 progesterone pessaries daily (which I am relieved about in case having a shorter luteal phase does affect things). My husband is very excited (I am a little I allow myself) - we made up a few days ago and he is being lovely.

I am feeling very positive about it all. It may blow up in my face, but  I am happier this way. I am listening to my Zita West IVF relaxation tracks at night. It's lovely to try and imagine my little embie embedding into my womb.

I may slowly lose my marbles as my testing date approaches. I do my test 16 days after egg collection and my OTD (Official Testing Date) is 30th December. I have a feeling that if it doesn't work my AF will arrive early as I have a short luteal phase. If this hasn't worked I will get well and truly sloshed on NYE on Prosecco that we have left over from the wedding. Luckily I will be kept very busy visiting family over Christmas. We go away on the 23rd and return to London on the 29th- the day before OTD. I will take some tampons up with me in the hope that I will not need them.

Please send me sticky vibes!

Friday 16 December 2011

Egg collection and fertilisation

Have been AWOL, I had egg collection on Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday) I had a massive row with my husband. I won't go into great detail on this blog as I think that it's been resolved and I don't want to dwell.

In my last post I mentioned that I was ready for egg collection. On Monday at midnight (36 hours before egg collection was due) I took Ovitrelle- my trigger shot. It contains hCG so would lead to a false positive on a pregnancy test if I were to take one. That was my last injection of the cycle. I felt that we should have had a ceremony or something.

On Wednesday we got to the clinic at 11:30 as instructed (freezing cold we were as the train was cancelled and we were stood on a train platform [all train platforms are colder than an Arctic winter] for half an hour). The receptionist gave my husband a plastic sample container then spoke to me and told us to go to room 15 and (confusingly) gave us the key with a 1 on the key-ring. We got to room 15 and it became apparent that it was not a pre-op room as, rather amusingly, there was a sign on the door that said Production Room. I told him to go in and get on with the business (he says it was a grim empty room with porn mags- oh how cliche) and I went back to the reception to rather awkwardly ask where I was supposed to go. Then she explained, I should go down the corridor and round the corner, tick my initials off on the board and take a seat. I was told that my husband should keep the sample in his pocket for the time being. I sat down and wondered why I hadn't been told all of this when we arrived. I am not psychic.

The husband did his bit and we waited to be collected. And we waited. Then we waited some more. I realised it was 12:15 and then flipped out. I could feel ovulation cramps and was convinced I was going to ovulate. I sent my husband off to find the receptionist to ask what was going on. A nurse came and reassured me that I wouldn't ovulate and that the trigger lasts for 40 hours. Again, why didn't they tell me? It would have saved me a lot of stress!

We got called in and spoke to the consultant and he took us through to theatre. No prep, no gown, no hat no nothing all we had to do was take our shoes off. Was rather surprised! How does one have an operation without a hospital gown and cap? I was wearing a jumper dress and tights, I undressed from the waist down (keeping the dress on), put my feet in the infamous stirrups and had a cannula inserted into the back of my hand. The doctor injected a painkiller and sedative, I felt sleepy and lay down. I don't remember anything being inserted or the CD being put on so I think I was asleep for a couple of minutes. The rich voice of Sam Cooke drifted into my head (our CD of choice was the Best of Sam Cooke) and I was aware of cramping- rather like period pains. I could hear the embryologists calling out numbers- it was the number eggs they were finding in the follicles. It only took about 20 minutes. They took me to the recovery room which had what looked like a dentist's chair and a plastic chair next to that. I sat in the scary looking dentists chair and started to feel less woozy. My husband said how during the op there was a screen in the theatre showing the eggs that the embryologists were counting.

A nurse came in and said that the collected 14 eggs and that the hubby's sperm was great so we could have IVF rather than ICSI. So we were sent off home and told we would get called the following day with fertlisation results.

The following morning I got the call and was told that we have 8 embies, which I am very happy with (especially considering that I thought I only had 5 viable follies). I called up my husband and he was very happy. Then he told me his brother was coming to stay at ours that night. I totally flipped out. Rather than calm me down he told me that I was selfish and intolerant.That's what caused the row. He was inconsiderate and I overreacted. I apologised this morning and explained why I acted that way. He said that he is worried about the fact that we have had some massive rows, I tried to explain that IVF puts a lot of pressure and stress.

Anyway, I am worrying a little bit that the rows and stress will effect our chances. I hope not.

Monday 12 December 2011

Good news for once

Well, I had my scan and was so nervous. I felt no cramps or anything around the ovaries so thought that the follies had stopped growing.

As soon as they started scanning me I knew there would be good news as even I could see the follies on my ovaries. They looked like a bunch of grapes.

The 5 large ones had grown to the size that they should be 2 days before egg collection (16mm or above) there were lots of other follies but these were smaller. Some were not too much smaller so am hoping that they will grow to the right size. My womb lining was described as "beautiful" (!) as it was triple layered and 13mm (well above the minimum).

I am absolutely delighted, was so convinced that we would have to cancel. I have now forgotten all about being a bit annoyed I didn't get 12 or more follies, I am just grateful to be ready!

It's all systems go now for egg collection- it will be in 2 days. No more Gonal F or Buserelin injections! I have to take the hCG Ovitrelle trigger at midnight tonight and my collection will be on Wednesday at 12:00noon. I am supposed to take my pain killer up the bum 1 hour before egg collection. I tried really hard not to laugh when the nurse told me to insert it up my "back passage". I am a child, I couldn't stop smirking.

Friday 9 December 2011

Scan day, day 10 stimms not going as planned

Well, I'm on day 10 of stimming. I had my scan and was expecting them to say that I could have EC on Monday.

Whilst my lining is thick, there were only 5 follies of decent size and these are not ready yet. Have to go for a scan on Monday and they think I can have EC next Friday.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Wednesday 7 December 2011

How about you shut the *@$£ up?

Day 10 of stims. Going OK, have 2 injections daily. Buserelin (that I was injecting daily for down regulation) and Gonal F- which is FSH drug. They are both injected at the same time and at least one of them always hurts, sometimes both. I feel better in myself since my ovaries have been switched back on and I am feeling tingly and crampy on that area so something must be happening. Not feeling bloated though as some ladies do (I hope that my follies are growing). Have a scan on Friday to check that all is as it should be so have my fingers crossed.

Still, I didn't log in to tell you about that. That is boring. I logged in to moan and whine about those idiotic fertiles on Facebook. Since the new version has been launched I no longer know how to block people. I know you can unsubscribe- but I am worried that will make my feed unavailable to them... really should Google it.

Meanwhile I am getting mightily annoyed with FB friends whose every status is pregnancy related. Actually there is one person whose statuses are pregnancy related or Christmas related. I mean, come on love, get a grip. Have you got nothing else going on in your life? From moaning about "baby brain" (one of my all time pet hates- there is no such thing as baby brain, you just want to mention your pregnancy AGAIN), moaning constantly about hormones to complaining about the lack of maternity wear in her area. Seriously, shut the eff up! I will find out how to hide her diatribe, but, in the same vein as STFU Parents (sometimes brilliant blog http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/, if you have not been there, go! I love the womb scan photo with the beer can) I have copied and pasted some of her highly irritating statuses below. She's got another 4 months to go. Oh hell.
NNNNGGGGHHHH!!! So... going to a rock festival with a month-old baby. Yay or nay? Nay. 
Who needs a cot or a pram when you're bringing up a baby? Who cares?
HELL YEAH! CHRISTMAS, BABY! 30 sleeps to go! WOOT!
Operation "Deck the Halls" is underway!
My lounge looks like Christmas threw up in here :-D ♥ ♥ ♥ Perhaps it did, I nearly did.
What is the pregnant woman's equivalent of gin o'clock? And is it time yet? It's when you have had the baby. No, it is not time. I know because you have a pregancy ticker on facebook. You are only 18 weeks.
Help! I've been left in charge of ordering the Christmas food and I have major baby brain making me all fuzzy! :-S Double-whammy of baby and Christmas.
CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! BOUNCE! SQUEEEEE!! BOUNCE!! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! FFS
I have reached the unfortunate conclusion that the town centre is absolutely pants for maternity jeans shopping :-(
I have reached the unfortunate conclusion that I a miserable cow and hate reading happy-family statuses.

Monday 5 December 2011

Baby not on board

One of the most irritating things about being a London Commuter is this:


It's a badge to wear on the train/tube/bus (and seemingly on the street, at work, in a shop and no doubt at home on the sofa). Before I realised that I was barren, I thought they were a rather cute idea and was all for getting one for myself. Now, I bloody hate them.

It's bad enough seeing baby bumps all over the place without now having knowledge of women's pregnancies before they are showing. Surely, if a women is pregnant enough to need a seat it will be obvious without the need for the badge (unless she is massively overweight)?!? The cynic in me thinks it's just another way for smug fertiles to get attention.

If I ever get my BFP I will not be getting one now as I hate seeing the infernal things, they seem so smug. "Oooh, look at me, I'm pregnant." How wonderful for you. Have a cookie.

I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't care. I hate them and think they are pointless. So there.

Thursday 1 December 2011

Stimming!

Well, I had a meeting with Dildo Cam yesterday and my husband watched (oooh er missus). Before she started, the sonographer asked me if I had any symptoms, "Not too bad, I have had trouble sleeping though."


"Oh" she said, "You're the first person who has complained about that." OK, so I have been making it up then, clearly. I love to pretend that I am waking at 4am then 5am then 6am because I am red hot and dying to pee. She also asked my husband if I had been moody lately. Luckily he knows which way his bread is buttered and said "No, not really."

As always, I didn't sit far enough at the end of the table so had to scooch down, taking that giant loo-roll-like paper with me.

She found a thin womb lining and a "quiet" right ovary. It took her ages to find my left ovary, "Did they have trouble last time?" she asked. "No" was my reply, "I can assure you I do have a left ovary". Luckily she found it (after a good 5 mins of prodding and swirling the dildo cam). She told me it was a good thing it was all quiet, if it hadn't been my cycle would have been cancelled until the New Year :-0.


A nurse then showed my husband how to inject what can only be described as the pen of torture. It's a pen, you move the dail and squirt a load of liquid out, then you set it to the dose then you stab it into some fat and then twist the top around so it clicks 8 times. I have to go back to the clinic a week tomorrow to see if it is working.


I had my first two doses haven't been so bad so far- in fact the Buserelin hurts more.

So we will just wait and see.