The sporadic blogger

Well, it's been a while since my last post.

I never know what to write anymore. My blog is intended to be an infertility blog, to get out my feelings and to help others in my situation feel better. Therefore, I have not really wanted to blog about my pregnancy as I don't think it is particularly helpful.

I keep coming back to update for those who are curious about me and how I am doing.

Everything is going well. I look huge and am always being offered seats on the tube (no need for one of those hideous Baby on Board badges then!). My body has totally changed shape- I used to be petite but now I have massive boobs and a large bump. I am covered in veins and my boobs are red with stretchmarks. I don't mind though, my little girl is worth it.

In fact, every so often I am put into a situaiton that reminds me of how lucky I am (not that I didn't already know it). Two days ago I went for my midwife check and mentioned that I had excessive CM (how glamorous). She looked concerned (at this stage it could be waters leaking) and referred me for a speculum examination. I had the examination and boy did it hurt. I thought I was familiar with my old friend Mr Speculum, having had my vagina opened up by one many times during treatment. For some reason this time it really hurt- I was actually wincing in pain. The Dr kept telling me to cough (no mean feat when you're trying not to cry out in pain) and confirmed that my waters had not broken (phew) but that my womb was "open a little bit" (whaaaaaaaaaat?). I then had to wait in a cubicle whilst she spoke to the registrar (her boss) to decide what to do with me. Meanwhile, millions of thoughts flashed through my head. That I would lose my baby, that I would be put on strict bed rest in the hosptial for the rest of the summer, that I would have my baby but she would be in the special care unit for months due to being 14 weeks early. I felt like crying and texted my husband to let him know, he texted back to say he was on his way home. After what seemed like an age (but was probably only 20-30 minutes) the Dr returned to say I could go home. I was confused, scared and shocked. Why was she sending me home when my womb was open? She just reassured me that discharge can be normal, she is satisfied it's not my waters and I should call in again if I feel a pop or start bleeding. I made my home, not knowing what to make of it all. I tried to call my husband but he didn't pick up, so I texted him. When he got home, the poor bloke told me he had gone to hospital to look for me and had been trying to find me. He said that he had explained to the receptionist what had happened and she said that I may be on the Labour Ward. Then he looked at his phone and saw my message so came home. The poor guy, he was so panicked.

It was only a few hours later that I realised I should have asked a couple more questions. I consulted evil Dr Google and could find nothing that indicated that having a "slightly open womb" is normal, in fact it should be closed until at least few weeks before labour. It was a long night. The next morning I called the midwives and I spoke to a lovely midwife (who sounded old enough to retire and kept calling me "my dear"). She explained that it was fine and happens if women have had surgery on or around their cervix. As I had IVF my cervix  had been clamped open for the embryos to be put back, so now it would not be completely closed. She said that it is not totally open, it's just the outer bit and the inside would be firmly closed and that they definitely would not have sent me home if they had been worried. She also said that this does not mean I will labour early or anything. Why did the Dr not tell me this? Would have saved me a night of panic and worry.

I felt so relieved and have been reminded, once again, how lucky we are to be in this situation.We are in the process of selling our flat and buying a house and have been finding it stressful, but now we have been reminded of our priorities, we both feel relaxed. As long as our little girl is healthy we don't care!

Right, I am off to catch up on some of my favourite blogs.