It's been a while

Been meaning to blog for well over a week. In fact I made a draft on my phone but I can't figure out how to retrieve it on my PC.

I was going to blog about how I still get jealous of fertiles- but I am not really feeling it today, so I'll save that for another time.

I do feel mixed emotions about this IVF pregnancy. The main feeling is of disbelief, then happiness. I also feel guilty. Guilty for so many reasons. I have got to know so many ladies stuggling to conceive, either through this blog or through forums. There are ladies who have poor quality eggs and/or whose partners have poor quality sperm; there are ladies who get their much wanted BFPs and then go on to have miscarriages, ectopics or both; ladies who try for years and years before getting pregnant; ladies who try for years and never get pregnant; ladies who can't try IVF for various reasons (financial or personal) the list is endless. It's against the odds for it to work first time, and when it worked for me, amongst the first thoughts I had were for my fellow infertiles. I wondered how my good news would make them feel- I know how it would have made me feel if I were in their shoes. I know how lucky I am, I am so grateful to be in this position but I feel guilty because, in infertile terms, I have had it pretty easy. I look back at my blog and I can see it has been a painful ride, but I seem to be getting near to the end of the roller coaster.

Most of the time I am over the moon but I get paranoid and worried that something will go wrong at any minute. I had a bad experience a couple of weeks ago- nothing to do with the baby- because I was kept waiting  for one hour and forty minutes for my midwife appointment. My husband took a half day off work to come and listen to the heartbeat. He ended up leaving after and hour and twenty minutes as he had made an appointment with an estate agent to value our flat. Anyway, due to the wait, and the fact I was aware that my husband's half-day off was wasted, I was very stressed when I went into my appointment. I felt rather rushed and it took her ages to find the heartbeat. I felt feeling deflated and rather depressed. Pathetic really, and I can't really explain why. I think I had expected to have a bonding experience (as I did at 13 weeks when I first heard the heartbeat) but I felt nothing of the sort. I woke up the next day hoping to have fogotten about it, but I couldn't shake my mood. Anyway, we decided to book a private gender scan- I can scarcely believe I am pregnant so scans and dopplers are all I have until I feel proper kicks.

I had the scan last week and it was very reassuring, there she was (I am having a girl), wriggling around. Such a relief. So here I am 18 weeks pregnant, having thought it would never happen. I still worry sometimes, but I think I am getting my head around it. I won't relax properly until she's here of course. On the day of the scan I think I felt her first movements- I think I have felt her every day since. I can't to feel proper kicks so I know she is in there and OK otherwise I would be wanting scans every week.

I hope that I have not cursed myself by blogging. Stupid paranoia.

I may blog again in a couple of weeks after I had my anomoly scan. I do check in every week or so though, just to stalk you all, and sometimes I will leave a comment.