I don't want infertility to ruin my "marriage".

Marriage is in quotation marks because my fiance and I are not yet married, but I call this a marriage as I feel we have been married for years.

I have recently started to read infertility blogs and one theme that crops up a lot is the pressure and strain it puts on a relationship. I can totally see why and it started to happen to us last year. Women and men have different outlooks on infertility. My boyfriend seems to think that we should be getting on with our lives and not dwelling on things. I would LOVE to do that, but it is easier said than done. Sometimes I think that he is being selfish when he doesn't want to listen, but the realist in my knows that he is just sick and tired of hearing it and it is selfish of me to be going on about it.

If I really think about it, and remember why we are together and how we used to be, I know that I love him more than I love the idea of having a baby. If it came down to it I had to choose- him or a baby, I would choose him.

That doesn't make this process any easier though. Here is my list of things to do to distract you from TTC*:

-Knitting, I spent all of last year dreaming about what I could make for our baby, this year I have given up such thoughts and am concentrating on making adult jumpers. They take ages but at least they will be worn.

-Training for a marathon/half marathon- Last year I signed up for an October half marathon in February. I secretly hoped I would fall pregnant and be able to use this an excuse for not doing the thing. Unfortunately nothing doing, so I had to train. I trained too hard too fast, gave myself shin splints and had to stop training 4 weeks before the run. Therefore when I did the run I had fallen out of shape and did very badly. So badly I wanted to call my Mum to pick me up (my fiance wouldn't let me- he was running with me- he said if I did that it would be "pathetic" and I should keep going). I did finish, but I am so embarrassed about the time I got that I am not going to publish it here.

-Gardening, I live in a flat in London and have no garden to speak of, just a small yard (with a container garden). In 2009 I was feeling industrious and decided to set up a Community Allotment. The council were rubbish and they gave us permission at the end of the summer last year (so too late to plant anything). This year they offered us a Community Payback (or what I very politically correctly call a "chain gang") to dig it for free. They were meant to come in February, but, the council being the council, work actually began 2 weeks ago. Now it is all becoming real and I am scared! What if it gets destroyed by vandals? What if our plants don't grow?

-Planning a wedding, getting married in September and I am making the decorations myself- bunting, fabric hearts, place cards, table numbers, seating plans. I am OK on a sewing machine and I love making things. I have bought a vintage dress that I cannot wear if I get pregnant before then. But, and how sick is this, I don't care. I would be happy, I wouldn't care if I was a pregnant bride, I would wear a sack, if I were pregnant this would not bother me! Nor would the fact that I couldn't drink at my own wedding. Every month, I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, and it is a good thing that I am not pregnant, as, at least I will be thin on my wedding day and be able to wear the dress. Deep down, I do care and will happily be a fat bride if I am preggers.

*by distract, read, slightly occupy and let people think that you are getting on with other things but really your mind comes back to the same thing.