So, I have filled you all in on my story so far. Well, most of it.
I was shocked that the next step for us is IVF. Since looking into it more, I have got used to the idea and actually want to get started on it as soon as possible.
I live in London, and I have spotted ads on the tube offering free IVF for egg sharers. At first the idea appalled me. It almost seemed that it was a way around selling a baby. The more I investigated, the more I realised that this is not really the case. There are women who have had chemo or are going through early menopause who would otherwise have no chance of having a baby. It is a collection of cells and DNA and, not really different from donating sperm. The recipient would grow the baby herself and the baby would take nourishment from her. And so, it really wouldn't be my baby at all, but the recipients.
The conclusion I came to was that I really want to give this a go, and would like to start sooner rather than later. My fiance however, would take some convincing. And now we come to the lowest part of my life so far.
I came home from work and said, "I want to talk to you about IVF." He said, "To be honest, I just wish that you would forget about it." This started the mother of all arguments. We had to leave the flat as my brother was staying with us and we didn't want him to see us.
And so that is how we came to be sitting by the Thames rowing. My fiance in dispair, I in dispair. The chill wind throwing my hair around my shoulders, freezing us to our bones and making the row all the more unpleasant. I have never felt as low as I did then. I just wanted to jump in the river. All I wanted was to be able to openly discuss my hopes and fears and for him to offer me comfort. Now I think that I was a little selfish. No-one has endless patience to listen to the same moaning over and over. I am always speculating and wondering, he prefers not to think about it. I told him that those times when I don't mention it (and I can go like this for weeks) it is not far from my mind and I am doing all I can to distract myself from my main fear. The fear that we will never have children. If we don't, will we get over it and have happy lives?
Hi Knitting Vixen,
ReplyDeleteCan I just say how much I have empahised with you whilst reading your blog. I am currently undergoing an Egg Sharing Scheme at CRM London. (I have copied and pasted the code for a link for you to have a look at. I hope this is right and you dont mind but if you do, feel free to change it. I don't really know how to do it.)
I felt exactly the same way as you when I first heard about free IVF for egg sharers. To me, it seemed no better than getting paid to donate eggs! But after further reading, I found out that not only would it give us a chance to realise our dream of having a child, we would also be giving another couple a chance to have one too. That is a great feeling.
My other half also closed up about the idea of treatment when we first found out concieving natrually was highly unlikely. Eventually, months down the line, he explained it was because he saw my pain once we recieved the news from the doctors and didnt think he could see me like that again if the treatment turned out to be unsuccessful. I think sometimes we forget how much our partners have to bear. I felt like I was the only one suffering as I longed to have a child, but he not only had to deal with the fact that he may not become a dad, but he also tried to console me.
I hope you and your partner both explore the possibilities. It's worth talking to clinics to see what you can do. They don't charge anything for consultations and you can back out at any time. I would really recommend CRM as they have been extremley helpful and understanding.
I'm really sorry about the long comment, your story just really struck a chord with me. Hopefully commenting with my Google Account will give you access to my email address. If you ever need to discuss anything or just to vent, feel free to email me.
Best wishes and baby dust your way
Sarah xxx
Thank you Sarah. I don't know if you will come back to see if I have replied. I am not able to reply to you via email or find your profile (I have tried repling but the reply just goes to blogger@... and your profile seems to be set to private so I can't read your blog (if you have one?)...
ReplyDeleteCRM was the clinic I was looking at. I am feeling right now that my period will come, I have no pg symptoms. I will try to speak to my fiance again about just going for a consulation for egg sharing. He does make it plain that he doesn't want to discuss it though sometimes.
Lame
ReplyDelete