Lowest ebb ever. Don't know if I have been storing it up or what, some kind of floodgates were opened tonight.
A minor fall out with the Mr, somehow escalated into a full blown hissy fit on my part, with crying so bad it changed my face. I stopped half an hour ago but my face still looks weird- blotchy and sunken.
I think it just hit me. How pointless it all is. I don't know why I bother, I am not normal. I haven't got the luxury of choosing when I start my family. I don't know if I will ever have an effing family, knowing my luck probably not.
I don't see why IVF would work for me, it most likely won't, so why would it. I am not that lucky.
This massive come down is why I didn't think positively for the past 2 years. This is one hell of a crash.
I know I will feel better tomorrow, but, if I never have children, will I ever really properly get over it?
Oh dear. I know the feeling well and hope I'll be able to help.
ReplyDeleteI'm not going to be all "Think Positive And It Will Work!!!!" because I really hate that sort of thing.
But, statistics always helped me when platitudes didn't. IVF is a process and not a one-off event. And, the success rates are 70% over three fresh cycles, not counting frosties. So, if you do it repeatedly, then you have an excellent chance of it working.
If you find that it's too much emotional strain, then stop for a while. You're 30 and have got 5 more years before your odds drop (and even then, the odds drop but not too badly). Take time off, go on holiday, and remember to have fun with your husband every so often.
If you stop and don't want to go back, then fine - you can live without kids, or look at adoption, or there are loads of options out there. They probably seem like crappy options at the moment, but they're still there.
I think that you do get better at coping with the strains of IVF as time goes on. Test days are always nerve wracking. I also found the start of the process particularly upsetting, as even although I knew I'd have problems concieving naturally and had done for years, it just all seemed so final to be admitting defeat, and the future seemed so uncertain.
But things do get better, I promise. I'm not just saying that because of where I am now, but I definitely did find that cycles got easier as a learned more and knew what to expect.
And remember you might be in the 20-30% of women that it works first go for. I mean, someone has to be in that ground. Just like that has to be people in the group that it works second or more time before.
Even if it doesn't work first go, your protocols will be adjusted as the docs find out more about how your body works to improve your chances.
But more importantly, remember that, if there was no chance of this working, the doctors wouldn't waste everybody's time by putting you through it! That thought kept me going through cycles when I was just like "why am I bothering with this?"
oops, that was an essay. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie. I get exactly where you are. I had my first ectopic in 2008 and lost my tube. This July I had my second ectopic, and lost my remaining tube. Some days the pain is so bad ... Losing the ability to even try and conceive naturally is heartbreaking. I want to cry and scream every day. But we can't lose hope. It will happen for us, because we are strong women who will do anything it takes to be a mother. I am sorry you have to endure this pain, no woman should have to. The other day my sister told me that motherhood is a rollercoaster ride. I had to laugh because that is what us IFers call infertility. So maybe this crazy ride is just preparing us for the ride to come. Sending you a big virtual hug!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel (felt, as I know this is from Friday) and I am in completely the same place at the moment.
ReplyDeleteSushigirl is right - chances are you'll be one of the lucky 70%
I'm sorry you're feeling rotten. Sometimes it just hits.
ReplyDeleteAnd listen to Sushigirl. She's right. There's actually no reason to assume that IVF won't work for you. I mean, everyone that comes to IVF has felt like you at some stage. It might work, it might not. But the stats are in your favour.