The sporadic blogger

Well, it's been a while since my last post.

I never know what to write anymore. My blog is intended to be an infertility blog, to get out my feelings and to help others in my situation feel better. Therefore, I have not really wanted to blog about my pregnancy as I don't think it is particularly helpful.

I keep coming back to update for those who are curious about me and how I am doing.

Everything is going well. I look huge and am always being offered seats on the tube (no need for one of those hideous Baby on Board badges then!). My body has totally changed shape- I used to be petite but now I have massive boobs and a large bump. I am covered in veins and my boobs are red with stretchmarks. I don't mind though, my little girl is worth it.

In fact, every so often I am put into a situaiton that reminds me of how lucky I am (not that I didn't already know it). Two days ago I went for my midwife check and mentioned that I had excessive CM (how glamorous). She looked concerned (at this stage it could be waters leaking) and referred me for a speculum examination. I had the examination and boy did it hurt. I thought I was familiar with my old friend Mr Speculum, having had my vagina opened up by one many times during treatment. For some reason this time it really hurt- I was actually wincing in pain. The Dr kept telling me to cough (no mean feat when you're trying not to cry out in pain) and confirmed that my waters had not broken (phew) but that my womb was "open a little bit" (whaaaaaaaaaat?). I then had to wait in a cubicle whilst she spoke to the registrar (her boss) to decide what to do with me. Meanwhile, millions of thoughts flashed through my head. That I would lose my baby, that I would be put on strict bed rest in the hosptial for the rest of the summer, that I would have my baby but she would be in the special care unit for months due to being 14 weeks early. I felt like crying and texted my husband to let him know, he texted back to say he was on his way home. After what seemed like an age (but was probably only 20-30 minutes) the Dr returned to say I could go home. I was confused, scared and shocked. Why was she sending me home when my womb was open? She just reassured me that discharge can be normal, she is satisfied it's not my waters and I should call in again if I feel a pop or start bleeding. I made my home, not knowing what to make of it all. I tried to call my husband but he didn't pick up, so I texted him. When he got home, the poor bloke told me he had gone to hospital to look for me and had been trying to find me. He said that he had explained to the receptionist what had happened and she said that I may be on the Labour Ward. Then he looked at his phone and saw my message so came home. The poor guy, he was so panicked.

It was only a few hours later that I realised I should have asked a couple more questions. I consulted evil Dr Google and could find nothing that indicated that having a "slightly open womb" is normal, in fact it should be closed until at least few weeks before labour. It was a long night. The next morning I called the midwives and I spoke to a lovely midwife (who sounded old enough to retire and kept calling me "my dear"). She explained that it was fine and happens if women have had surgery on or around their cervix. As I had IVF my cervix  had been clamped open for the embryos to be put back, so now it would not be completely closed. She said that it is not totally open, it's just the outer bit and the inside would be firmly closed and that they definitely would not have sent me home if they had been worried. She also said that this does not mean I will labour early or anything. Why did the Dr not tell me this? Would have saved me a night of panic and worry.

I felt so relieved and have been reminded, once again, how lucky we are to be in this situation.We are in the process of selling our flat and buying a house and have been finding it stressful, but now we have been reminded of our priorities, we both feel relaxed. As long as our little girl is healthy we don't care!

Right, I am off to catch up on some of my favourite blogs.

It's been a while

Been meaning to blog for well over a week. In fact I made a draft on my phone but I can't figure out how to retrieve it on my PC.

I was going to blog about how I still get jealous of fertiles- but I am not really feeling it today, so I'll save that for another time.

I do feel mixed emotions about this IVF pregnancy. The main feeling is of disbelief, then happiness. I also feel guilty. Guilty for so many reasons. I have got to know so many ladies stuggling to conceive, either through this blog or through forums. There are ladies who have poor quality eggs and/or whose partners have poor quality sperm; there are ladies who get their much wanted BFPs and then go on to have miscarriages, ectopics or both; ladies who try for years and years before getting pregnant; ladies who try for years and never get pregnant; ladies who can't try IVF for various reasons (financial or personal) the list is endless. It's against the odds for it to work first time, and when it worked for me, amongst the first thoughts I had were for my fellow infertiles. I wondered how my good news would make them feel- I know how it would have made me feel if I were in their shoes. I know how lucky I am, I am so grateful to be in this position but I feel guilty because, in infertile terms, I have had it pretty easy. I look back at my blog and I can see it has been a painful ride, but I seem to be getting near to the end of the roller coaster.

Most of the time I am over the moon but I get paranoid and worried that something will go wrong at any minute. I had a bad experience a couple of weeks ago- nothing to do with the baby- because I was kept waiting  for one hour and forty minutes for my midwife appointment. My husband took a half day off work to come and listen to the heartbeat. He ended up leaving after and hour and twenty minutes as he had made an appointment with an estate agent to value our flat. Anyway, due to the wait, and the fact I was aware that my husband's half-day off was wasted, I was very stressed when I went into my appointment. I felt rather rushed and it took her ages to find the heartbeat. I felt feeling deflated and rather depressed. Pathetic really, and I can't really explain why. I think I had expected to have a bonding experience (as I did at 13 weeks when I first heard the heartbeat) but I felt nothing of the sort. I woke up the next day hoping to have fogotten about it, but I couldn't shake my mood. Anyway, we decided to book a private gender scan- I can scarcely believe I am pregnant so scans and dopplers are all I have until I feel proper kicks.

I had the scan last week and it was very reassuring, there she was (I am having a girl), wriggling around. Such a relief. So here I am 18 weeks pregnant, having thought it would never happen. I still worry sometimes, but I think I am getting my head around it. I won't relax properly until she's here of course. On the day of the scan I think I felt her first movements- I think I have felt her every day since. I can't to feel proper kicks so I know she is in there and OK otherwise I would be wanting scans every week.

I hope that I have not cursed myself by blogging. Stupid paranoia.

I may blog again in a couple of weeks after I had my anomoly scan. I do check in every week or so though, just to stalk you all, and sometimes I will leave a comment.

13 weeks, scan, relief and disbelief

Hi bloggers. Sorry I haven't been posting much, as I mentioned previously, I have started to feel a bit superstitious about my blog.

We had our nuchal scan on Monday and all looked perfect. We saw the baby's brain (can't take after my side of the family as it has one... ho ho, chortle, chortle), arms, legs, spine and heard the heartbeat for the first time. We were delighted and relieved but I didn't cry.

We spent that evening calling and telling people, some of them sounded more excited than us. In fact, that worried me a bit. Why are people more excited than me? It felt wrong telling people, like I am some sort of fraudster/imposter and I am not really pregnant at all. I don't feel much different, apart from extreme tiredness and occasional mild nausea, though I look pregnant (many friends said they knew before I told them as I look pregnant- must be bloat).

I know many people cry when they see their baby on the screen or hear the heartbeat- I didn't. Am I made of stone?

I wonder if, one some level, I am protecting myself. Due to the time taken to get here, I think I still don't believe it will happen. I can't imagine giving birth, I can't imagine breastfeeding, hell, I can't imagine having a real bump or being kicked by the baby.

I am not giving myself a hard time, but I surprised myself with my reaction.

Pain in the arse colleagues

Well, inspired by Sushi Girl's entry about irritating colleagues, I thought I would post about one of mine.

To start with, her voice is so annoying. She sounds like Katie Price (Jordan). If you don't know how she speaks, it's through her nose, long and drawn out, common and bored. She says, "Oh, ffffannnk yooooooou." She's a bit of a bitch and spends a lot of time at other people's desks whispering, pulling faces. You wouldn't think she is 29.

She got married in 2010 and ALL she spoke about for 2 years was her sodding wedding. She obviously had a massive, tacky engagement ring (and an engagement party and spent more money on her specially made engagement party dress than I spent on my wedding dress). The wedding had around 300 guests and, as you can probably guess, she wore a massive, puff-ball wedding dress and had chocolate fountains every where at the reception (so I am told). I saw a hilarous video clip on her fbook page. It was one of those tacky photo montages of her and her husband from babies to adulthood then photos of them out together, on holiday etc- they showed it at the wedding and it was 10 minutes long. 10 minutes. I couldn't sit through that, even if it was about me!

She is the kind of person who loves to be the centre of attention and is so fake. She also flirts inapproriately with 50 year old married colleagues (who should know better than to flirt back). As I type she is loudly taking to some workmates about the fact that she has a 18-year-old niece (so an adult and only 11 years younger than her) and she dislikes how the niece never calls her aunty. She said, in a whingy voice, "I would like her to acknowledge that I am her auuuuuuuuuuuuunty sometimes." Get a grip woman, you were 11 when she was born! I have several nieces and nephews, all children, and not one of them calls me aunty!

About 3 weeks ago, I got into work to find the office was bedlam. Everyone was standing around her desk cooing and generally causing a fuss. I had an inkling of what was going on. Someone told me, "She's pregnant and it's twins."

Yes, it would be wouldn't it.

Relief

Thank you all for your lovely kind comments, thoughts and prayers.


My GP referred me to the EPU immediately, and I have had my scan. It's good news. The bean now looks like a prawn and I am measuring at 9+1 (my exact dates) and there was a lovely heartbeat. The sonographer said that my placenta is low which is what probably caused the bleeding (and may cause more). Now I have been referred, I can go back any time I want without seeing the GP first (that is, if I am worried and get any heavy bleeding).


I can't believe it! The bleeding stopped yesterday pretty much straight after I saw it, but it really is alarming to see bright red blood, especially as my nausea disappeared. It's back today (the  nausea not the bleeding), perhaps the worry made it go away?


I haven't been blogging much, mainly because I almost feel that if I do something will go wrong. You know how you blog your period is late then it turns up the next day. I will update but not as much as I used to but I am still reading your blogs and commenting if I feel I can offer support or have something interesting/intelligent to say.

9 weeks today and all is not rosy

Well I am 9 weeks today and had some bleeding. It started as spotting and got heavier and was definite red blood. There is nothing there now but I am bricking it. Earliest appointment I can get at GP is 9:20am and I have to go there before I can go to the EPU for a scan. I just hope they can scan me tmw as they EPU is referral only but it's first come first served and they stop accepting patients at 11:30 or something.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.

Tomorrow sometimes comes

Well I had the scan and was amazed to see the little bean in the right place, the right size and with a little heartbeat!

We can't believe it.

I gotta get through this

Well, what a week it's been. Or rather hasn't. Had started to feel very positive about this pregnancy. The spotting stopped and I decided to think positively as I thought that thinking negatively would not make me feel any better should this not be a viable pregnancy. I watched "One Born Every Minute" last week. Normally I can't bear to watch as it makes me cry (mainly out of worry that it will never happen for me). I have been looking on the internet for thifty ways to furnish a baby's room. I looked around to see why freebies I can get. One thing I couldn't bring myself to do was to look up knitting patterns for babies, that really would feel too real.

I have told a few people- my two closest friends, my manager and a colleague- they knew I had IVF and were very supportive. I told them the result and said I didn't want to be congratulated until the scan.

My scan is on Monday and I can think of little else. I feel like I am in limbo, it's almost as bad as 2ww.

Yesterday afternoon, whilst at work, I went to the loo and saw what I had been dreading. A tiny amount of blood in my knickers. I stared at it in disbelief. Surely not again. I wiped and there was more of that horrid pinky/brown cm. After a couple of wipes it had gone. I went back to my desk and was about to ask my manager if I could go home early when the phone rang. It was a student (I work at a university) who had just received an email from me and didn't like the information I had given her. I was dying to get off the phone and go home but the stupid belligerent woman argued with me for 30 sodding minutes. I was ruining her career apparently - it's my fault she doesn't get good marks in her exams (I am an administrator by the way and have nothing to do with her studies). It was a conversation that just goes in circles and she just wouldn't shut up. In the end I got rid of her by telling her that she should email an official complaint and it will get passed on. I went home about 20 minutes early, after I had simmered down. I was in a terrible mood and nearly knocked a few dawdling tourists out for having the temerity to stroll down the street at a casual pace, thus blocking my urgent march to the train station.

I didn't go to work today, I wanted to rest. If it came back, I wouldn't want to be at work. I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway- I would be going to the loo every 10 minutes. So I have been at home all day today. No more sign of the spotting, but that could mean anything. I have to sit tight until Monday. If I can.

Update

Well the pinky/brown discharge seems to have gone (touch wood). It could have been caused by the pessaries (which can irriate the cervix) so have switched to back door. That seems to have worked for now (touch wood).
Don't really want to comment further, but am sitting tight.

The clinic were not really interested and said it would only be a problem if heavy/painful. I know that this is not always the case, but think it's good news that it started 3 days ago and it's not progressed to anything heavier.

So my scan will be on the 16th Jan. I will be 6+4 then. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I hope you understand that I don't want to blog much at the moment.

Bollocks

In the early hours of NY I noticed some pinky/peach CM, was there when I wiped only. Left the party and it was still there when I got in and this morning. Seems to have gone now but so worried.

HPT says still pregnant. Don't want to blog more about it at the moment, watch this space.