Strained relations

The relationship with my new husband is already showing signs of strain. As you may have seen by my other recent blog posts, I have had a tough couple of weeks. This past week was the worst I found out that friends were expecting despite the fact that they are a good 5 years older than me and it took them no time at all (see previous post), what made it worse was the fact that my brother has been staying with us this past week. I haven't started treatment yet so I thought it would be fine, but I didn't realise what a terrible week I would have.

I have spent the week putting on a brave face, or so I thought. Normally I would have a cry and talk with the husband for ages. Having no privacy I could not do this, so I had to force my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. They manifested and seeped out in ways such as this:

1) I commented, angrily, to my husband about how greedy women who have 3 or more children are and that they should not be so selfish
2) I watched a You Tube clip of my colleagues dancing to Thriller dressed as zombies and angrily slagged them off ("look at them, they are so stupid, can you believe I have to work with these people?!?")
3) I told off my brother for getting me a Zelda (computer game) keyring and called him a geek

the last straw...
4) I told my husband off for using the last clean dishwashing sponge to wipe up cat sick- ""WHAT are we going to wash our dishes with NOW? You could have used one of the many dirty ones we have under the sink."

We had a massive row last night triggered by that sodding sponge. He told me that I am angry all of the time and said that I haven't been affectionate for two weeks. I told him that I was sad and not able to express myself cos my brother was always around (he has gone now thankfully). He told me that I should be crying, listening to sad music and having baths (I swear that this time last year he told me off for crying too much) and not being mad at all and sundry.

The fact is (and I told him this),  he doesn't always want to hear my thoughts/worries/fears about IVF. He often changes the subject when I bring it up. He said that this is not the case and I can talk to him about whatever I want (I didn't mention that 2 weeks ago I googled his SA results to see what they meant and he called me "obsessive" and said I was tormenting myself and that I should "let the doctors get on with it"). His motto at the moment is, "don't worry, it will pass" which is infuriating.

The row went on for ages, I thought we made it up and went to bed cuddling, but when I woke I noticed he had taken his wedding ring off in the night. This started another row just before work (perfect). I thought we had talked that through- we both agreed we didn't want to hurt each other or make each other cry- we hugged then I went off to work feeling better than I had done in ages. Got home and he is being weird.

We have a hospital appointment tomorrow, I need to be supported and feel like he wants to be there. I am wondering if counselling may be a good idea. I never thought I would say that.

CONGRATULATIONS (but don't expect me to be happy for you)

Thank you to all you lovely ladies for your comments. You are all, of course, correct (and my husband has also told me similar things).

That aside, I am still miserable. I was feeling a bit better but am now feeling like crud again for several reasons:

1) I am taking Microgynon (the pill) which has made me spotty and moody. I know it is this as I am never spotty and not normally moody, I googled the symptoms, spots and mood swings are there, as well as weight gain (WHAT?!?). I never took the contraceptive pill before as I didn't want to put unnecessary drugs into my body. Oh the irony.

2) I went to a concert last night and had a flat full of people staying over afterwards. As a result the cats were cross. To show their displeasure, they proceeded to race around the flat knocking things over, jump on and off our bed with ever increasing force and scratch the bath tub (loud and it goes through me). Needless to say I got about 2 hours sleep last night.

3) The husband and I met some friends before the afore mentioned concert. Conversation went like this:
Them: We have some very exciting news
Me (inaudible intake of breath, heart sinking, getting fake smile ready): Oh really?
 Them: Yes, we are going to have a baby.
Me and husband faux cheerfully: Congratulations.
Them: Yes, here is a scan.
Me: OOh, how wonderful (did I ask to see a scan picture?!?)
Husband: Oh... errr... great
Them: I know, we can't believe it. We weren't expecting it to happen straight away.
Her: I didn't realise I was pregnant for ages.
Me: Marvellous (of course you didn't, fertile people never notice such things).
Them: We can't believe it, we really can't.
Me: Me neither (I can, but if you can't, then perhaps I should be worried about your mental capacity as a functioning human being).
Them: It's a big thing.
Me: Yes, it is. (no s**t Sherlock)

I am a horrible person.

And the point of this is???

Lowest ebb ever. Don't know if I have been storing it up or what, some kind of floodgates were opened tonight.

A minor fall out with the Mr, somehow escalated into a full blown hissy fit on my part, with crying so bad it changed my face. I stopped half an hour ago but my face still looks weird- blotchy and sunken.

I think it just hit me. How pointless it all is. I don't know why I bother, I am not normal. I haven't got the luxury of choosing when I start my family. I don't know if I will ever have an effing family, knowing my luck probably not.

I don't see why IVF would work for me, it most likely won't, so why would it. I am not that lucky.

This massive come down is why I didn't think positively for the past 2 years. This is one hell of a crash.

I know I will feel better tomorrow, but, if I never have children, will I ever really properly get over it?

So THAT'S why I don't normally think postitively

Well, CD 1 today (if I am allowed to call it that when it happens in the evening and won't kick in fully till tmw). Disappointed but not surprised. More disappointed than usual.

Will have some nice wine this evening and will treat myself to a bellini.

So day 1 of my seriously long DR can start now. That's something! I wish myself luck.

FFS, CD 28 and obssessing

Boring post for anyone who choses to read this. I should do posts like this on the TTC website I go on, but don't want to for some reason.

Yesterday I was convinced I was pregnant, today I don't think I am. "Symptoms" have gone, no more sore boobs (I should know, I keep on poking them) and a dull ache from down below. Sure sign that the witch is on the way.

I am CD 28, so she will arrive today or tomorrow (the longest cycle I have had is 28 days). I don't mind that much, so I would rather she just comes, so I can move on, start my pill and have a glass of wine this weekend.

Someone told me that M&S Food do a Bellini syrup that you add to fizz to make it a Bellini. I will go and get some of that and have my favourite cocktail.

Should I be truthful in my blog?

Even here in this virtual world I am not always truthful. Well, I don't tell lies, I just withhold the truth. Can't remember most occasions but I have not been posting about something that's on my mind lately a lot.

My previous post mentioned my new positive outlook on my situation. This month I have been telling myself I might be pregnant. There is no reason why not, I have a tube left, it looks clear, my hubby's SA was good.

I have been waiting for AF or, rather been waiting for when I think she should come. My cycles can be 24 days or 28. Today I am on day 27. I feel pregnant, I don't have spots, my breasts are still sore. I keep thinking I am bur I daren't do another test. Did one yesterday am and bfn. I hate the tests, I feel silly doing one then realising it's negative. I think ,"who are you trying to kid?"

I realise that posting this will guarantee the witch will show her face. If she does I will have drinks this weekend. I shouldn't be so superstitious as to think I can tempt fate.

So there you go, I was honest. Feel better now. Sigh.

IVF, positivity and relaxation

Well I have read so much about how relaxing and positive thinking helps IVF. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but one of life's stress-heads it wouldn't do me any harm to relax.

Since starting ttc I have thought positively for one cycle only- my first month. I think I had a chemical preg that month (as I tested positive then AF arrived). I was gutted so, to try and protect myself I told myself each month it probably wouldn't be my month. Only at the back of my mind I would think it might. AF would come and I would be bitterly upset and anxious. Now, when it happens, I am not surprised, angry or upset.

Anyway, got the Zita West IVF relaxation CD, thought I'd give it a listen and quite like it. I have listened a few times now and it does relax and make me feel positive. I could be setting myself up for a big fall, I could think positive and my cycle won't work and I would be devastated. I don't think I have got anything to lose. If I was thinking negatively and it didn't work I reckon I would still be devastated.

Anyway, AF is due imminently and I will take my pill and start my cycle on CD21. All this positive thinking made me think I might have conceived naturally, I had ridiculous amounts of CM and wondered if this was a sign. Well it's not, BFN this morning. Not really that bothered.

Onwards and upwards.

(though I bet I spend the day googling "bfn 10dpo")

Oooh, iPhone blogging

Here I am, in bed, blogging on my iPhone. Rather good it is too. I suffer with insomnia sometimes, when I do, it always cos my mind is so full of crap. I slept like a baby whilst on honeymoon, get home and I'm having trouble.

I am wondering if any bloggers suffer too, and if so, do you have the same thoughts as me? I sometimes think about babies, or rather, lack of (though not as often as you'd think). I frequently think about mistakes I have made that day/week/month. Recently I have been kicking myself for massively overbuying wine for the wedding. It was a month ago nearly, but we bought twice as much than needed (we spent a fortune on booze) and we gave what was left away cos we couldn't get it back to our flat 200 miles away. I asked some friends to do me a favour and take some boxes down for us but they got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was giving it to them. Can you believe that this thought keeps me awake sometimes? Pathetic. Maybe it's my inner Northerner.

The occurring theme is that I have imaginary conversations. I think that's what keeps me awake the most. Replaying past conversations that have gone wrong and changing the ending. Or, whole new conversations that I anticipate having with people. I swear that these thoughts are symptomatic of a stressed/obsessive/unbalanced person. At the back of my mind, I blame myself and these thoughts for my infertility. I am not easy going, I start off chilled then get sucked in and obsess about the best way to do things. Even now, after my wonderful wedding, I am troubled with thoughts about how I could have done things differently- the chutneys were not put out properly, there was not enough ice, the catering staff didn't stay long enough. Why am I spoiling my memories in this way?

I was the same with TTC. started off determined not to get stressed but the first month I think I had a chemical pregnancy. I got a BFP with a faint line, so spent ages googling to see if I was pregnant. The next day the test revealed a BFN. That was the start my use of baby internet forums. Before you could say "bbt" I was taking all manner of vitamins, using OPKs and joining 2ww threads. Did this behaviour cause stress and mess up my hormones enough to make me infertile? I have give through relaxed phases, but was I really relaxed? I was always disappointed when AF showed.

So now it's my IVF phase. Started off chilled but now fretting about the level of stimms I will be taking (think its too high), whether I will respond or over respond, and whether I go through this 10 week LP cycle for it to fail.

I need to relax, but how!?!

I am back and married!

Hello bloggers, have finally returned after a break to get married and honeymooned. I won't go into great detail as this is not a wedding blog (and boy are there a lot of those out there). The whole day was wonderful. My favourite part was walking into the room and seeing my future husband's face. There are no words to describe the look in his eyes. Got back from honeymoon 2 days ago, went to the USA (Vegas, Canyon and California) and am still jetlagged which takes me neatly into my eventful day today.

 So I had an appointment at the clinic to plan my treatment. It was for 8:30am. I set my alarm for 6:00am and woke at 8:00am. Cue panic and general bedlam. I called several taxi companies and they all said the same thing, it would take 40 mins to get to me due to a fire in the area. I nearly burst into tears. My husband suggested we cycle- he cycles to and from work everyday so it's no big deal for him. I usually don't cycle anywhere in London due to fear of being run over. Today I had no fear only panic, so I jumped on my bike and off we went. We arrived at the hospital 20 minutes late (having not showered or put on any make up), I was bright red, my legs were shaking and I was panting heavily. It's been a few months since I cycled. My husband rather unkindly said I should get in shape. Cheeky bugger. The clinic were very nice and let me see the consultant (after I apologised profusely, they could probably see the distress).

The consultant said that my hormone levels were fine, as was the husband's SA. He said that I could start on the LP after my AF. I will take Microgynon from day 1 for 21 days (I am not sure why now, I was so dishevelled I didn't think to ask). I will be seeing the nurse on CD 11 so she can tell me how to take the drugs, and I will start DR. Not sure if I will start DR whilst on the Microgynon or after. Again, questions I have thought of long after the appointment. The whole process will take 10 weeks.

The drugs will be delivered to me tomorrow in readiness.