Phrases I hate and other stories...

If there's a phrase I hate more than "relax and it will happen" it must be "chin up".

For some reason, when someone says, "chin up" I feel insulted. I wonder why this is? I think perhaps it is the implication that I am wallowing in self-pity, or that I am upsetting myself over nothing. It is a stupid archaic phrase that belongs in a Enid Blyton novel:

"Mother, I was going to the shop with my ha'penny to purchase some ginger beer when I tripped over Betsy's skipping rope and hurt my knee."
"There there Susan, it is only a grazed knee. Worse things happen at sea, now chin up."

I have been in a funny mood lately. Normally I keep my woes to myself, but this past couple of days I have poured my heart out to two random people. One of them is a friend on a wedding forum who didn't know what to say (look, my AF had arrived and I was in a bad place OK) and the other is a relative in Australia whom I haven't seen for years and years. Said relative is 33-ish and had just got engaged so I sent an email to congratulate her. She replied asking how my wedding plans are going and whether I want kids. So I sent her a massive email telling her everything. The reply? Something along the lines of, "Oh, I am so sorry. My friend had a baby by IVF. There is hope. Chin up."

I think I will go back to keeping things to myself.

I hate my body and everyone else for that matter...

Well, my stupid AF turned up 3 days early today. Soooooo pissed off. Not only am I not pregnant but my cycles are all fecked up (and my luteal phase was 9-10 days- worrying).

Am on my own this evening, my fiance (who will be known as The Mr for the rest of this post) is out- lucky for him otherwise I would be moaning and complaining to him. I feel so sorry for him at the moment. He is going through a lot of stress at work- he is co-ordinating his work's move from one office to another. Last night we went out for a meal with my dad and step-mum. When we got in The Mr started ranting about how stressed he is, how annoying/rude my dad is (kinda true to be honest- well, selfish and emotionally retarded is more like it) etc etc. I listened to him rant for a good hour and he calmed down. Then I off-loaded my stresses.

He was wonderful, he listened and said he could understand why I was upset. I mean, I don't think he gets it, he broke off at one point to draw a fertility graph- don't ask! Anyway, I think he may be up for us going to the private clinic for a consultation.

So for now I am suffering cramps and am miserable. I spotted about 731 heavily pregnant women on the way home from work. I hate them. I also hate anyone who got in my way when I was trying to stride home... and just other people generally.... except for The Mr. He can stay.

She's coming I just know it...

Well, I no longer have sore boobs, I know that stupid Aunt Flo will be making an appearance on Saturday- if not before.

I know it so well that I already feel miserable and moody about it.

There is no point to this post, but I started this blog to get things off my chest, something is on my chest so here I am offloading.

I have my first IVF appointment on Monday. Not looking forward to it. I know that they will tell me that the NHS waiting list is 18-24 months. I am cross about this. I have been referred to a hospital that is miles away and difficult for me to get to (and outside of the borough). There's an NHS clinic much closer with shorter waiting times, but my borough do not have a "service level agreement" with them(what ridiculous language is used by the public sector these days). If I lived 2 miles down the road I would be having my IVF treatment by now (the waiting list is 4 months, I was referred 4 months ago). Apparently residents in my borough are referred to the neaby clinic "in extreme cases". What?!? Why only then? Stupid postcode lottery.

I could complain about the service and system officially, but frankly, I have no energy to do this. I want to talk to my fiance about egg sharing and going private again, but I am worried he will kick off like he did last time.

Oh and to cap it off, one of my colleagues (the only one in my debt that I dislike) may be pregnant. She got married in October. It was a grand, ostentatious affair (she didn't pay) that we heard all about for months and months before the wedding. I was dreading this, I thought she would fall pregnant immediatelty. I think she has- no announcement has been made but she has put on weight, stopped making loud plans to go out and get drunk and keeps on having whispery conversations with her friends.

Not a good day for me today.

Driving myself mental in the 2ww...

OK, it's CD 23, my cycles are 26 days so my AF is due on Saturday.

Fiance and I have done all we can- bd every night for a week, used OPKs so I know we could have caught the right time, no alcohol or caffeine for me (after I read that just 1 drink a week can reduce your chances of conceiving by 7%).

I watched the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday with a friend- a tall order sober I can tell you- have you SEEN the Eurovision Song Contest??? I got to her flat and she looked at me in bewilderment when I said I wasn't drinking (like I was mad or something). I lied and said I am on anti-biotics and I should be drinking again by next weekend (when I will see her again for a BBQ)... my inner pessimist. She told me that she doesn't stop drinking when on anti-biotics, I stuck to my guns though (apart from one fleeting moment when I though the UK would win- we were top of the leader board at the beginning very briefly). I will be miffed if it is not my time.

Deep down I know it won't be, but I still think I might. They have found nothing wrong with me, so there may be nothing wrong with me (my inner pessimist says that there is something wrong with me but they don't know what it is- I think I have a short luteal phase- as it's 12 days, but the Dr says there's no such thing- humph).

I keep on checking to see if my boobs are still sore. If they stop being sore the day before period is due I will be depressed. I haven't tested early in such a long time (by which I mean on the day of or before my period), but I might do this month. I am going to a BBQ on Sat, I will test Sat morning because if I am not pregnant I have to drink. I have to. I miss it. Especially cava.

I have a confession to make...

I don't know if I am the only person TTC who feels this way, but sometimes, (only sometimes) I feel relieved that I don't have children and think that life wouldn't be too bad without them.

These feelings, when they happen, tend to occur after ovulation- up until the day my period is due (thought when my period arrives I hate my body, the world and my luck! I wonder if it is my way of coping with the fact that nothing is happening for us.

I was watching Outnumbered yesterday (a brilliant BBC comedy), series 3 episode 1 in which the gran takes the family out to London for a day trip. The children's ages range from 7-14 (or thereabouts). The way that the children were ungrateful and disengaged with the day trip (which they saw as boring because there was not enough "entertainment" or they were not able to send texts because their phone had run out of battery) rang true. I distinctly remember miserable family days out- usually ones where we are stuck in a car going somewhere or another for hours on end during which my brother and I would row, I would get a smack from my parents for being naughty, I would sulk then we would go home. Now not every family trip was like this, but there were plenty of them and it got me thinking. I have spent a year and a half dreaming of being pregnant and having a cute baby/toddler but sometimes, when I think about what they will grow into, it fills me with dread.

In the same episode of Outnumbered I also noticed the relationship between the gran and the parents (her son and daughter in law) which seemed rather cringey- they saw the gran as a pain and a hinderance... is that what I will become? Will my potential offspring gradually grow tired of me and see me as an annoyance rather than as a fun person to be around?

I hope you don't think I am a bad person, most of the time I want a child of my own so badly it hurts, but every so often I see things from the other side.

Alcohol and its impact on fertility

This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.

I love a drink. I drink socially and sometimes at home. I love wine and beer and yes, I actually like the taste of it (unlike some of my friends who don't like the taste and so only drink alcohol that doesn't taste of alcohol).

I am social person and I love meeting with my friends in the pub. If you meet in the pub and everyone is drinking, it is difficult to say no. Not only are you surrounded by temptation, your friends want to know why you are not drinking. My biggest fear is that they will think I am pregnant when I am not.

I had an ectopic pregnancy last year, before I knew it was ectopic (but after I knew there may be a problem with the pregnancy) were were at a games night. Those at the games night are big drinkers and wanted to know why I wasn't drinking. I had to lie and say I was on antibiotics.

When I went to the fertility clinic, I was told I shouldn't be drinking at all. Not even in moderation. The NHS's line is, if you are trying for a baby, you should drink like a pregnant lady. Apparently it affects your fertility. I wouldn't mind giving up if pregnant, there would be a reason. Giving up drinking completely in the hope of getting pregnant seems crazy to me. We have been trying for a year and a half. Does that mean that I shouldn't have been drinking all that time?

Studies have shown that even light drinking (1-5 units a week) can affect fertilty. Reasons given are that it can affect hormones, delay ovulation or prevent ovulation altogether.

I will give up again, but it is very difficult. Especially when I know that many women who drink far more than me fall pregnant despite the fact that they drink.

Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Here is a link to one of the recent studies:

http://www.bmj.com/content/317/7157/505.full