Egg sharing?

Wellity, wellity, wellity (as Homer Simpson once said).

I called the PCT (the people who were keeping me waiting regarding my IVF funding). The man who I spoke to said that my local PCT has merged with 5 others (budget cuts) and gave me a different number to call in a completely different part of London. I called the number several times and it just rang out. I was just so deflated. I am now convinced when they eventually get back to me (if they get back to me) that they will tell me I have to wait. I decided that I am sick of waiting around for NHS letters and calls. I don't want to wait around like a mug dancing to their tune (if I can help it).

Kat- thanks for suggestion to move to Korea for cheaper treatment... seems a bit extreme (though come back to me in a year and I may be desperate to get the f*&k out of this country away from breeding family and friends).

I have been considering egg sharing. There are clinics here in London that will give you free IVF (that's right, free, including drugs, scans, counselling, blood tests and consultations) if you share your eggs.

At first the idea creeped me out. I saw it as selling my eggs (I know this is legal elsewhere in the world, but I am not comfortable with the idea). Also I wasn't sure how I would feel about another woman, essentially carrying and having my child. That was until I looked up egg donation on the internet. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there about women desperate to have a baby but unable to because they have poor quality eggs. Some are too old, some are young and have gone through early menopause, some have had cancer treatment etc etc. Every recipient was grateful for the eggs that were donated to them, it was really rather moving.

The there was the issue of the egg being "my" child. When I think about it, the egg will be fertilised by her partner and then carried and nourished by her. She will give birth and then raise the child. I now think about it in terms of sperm donation. Lots of men think nothing of donating sperm (taken gratefully by women who need it) and I have never had a problem with the idea of donating sperm for these purposes.

I have been thinking this over for a few months. The runaround that I was given by the NHS gave me the final push into the private clinic's direction. I called them last week and things moved quickly.

I went for my initial consultation today. The doctor told me all about the egg sharing programme. The recipient  has no part in the selection of the donor. The donor and recipient are matched according to ethnicity, hair and eye colour (so that the recipient's baby looks like the recipient).

I had an internal scan and blood tests. I have to wait 6 weeks for the results of the blood tests (they test for things like cystic fibrosis which apparently takes a while), so I won't know if I am accepted onto the programme until then. I need to be clear of HIV, Hepatitis etc. They test my AMH levels (rather than FSH and LH) to see what my ovarian reserve is. If it's 11 or above then I will be eligible.

One interesting thing, she asked me why I wanted IVF. I told her that it was because I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. When she found out that I only had 1 tube, she said, "Then how is it unexplained infertility?" Very interesting.

You just keep me hangin' on

Well, I received a letter a month ago telling me that I am on the IVF waiting list. There was no indication on the letter how long the list is. I called and got told that my local area (Primary Care Trust -PCT) have bought into the services of the hospital where I have been referred and are negotiating a contract- I should call back in 3 weeks to find out what the new terms are and how long the waiting list is for my area. How ridiculously complicated.

So anyway, I called back yesterday and found out that my PCT have changed the criteria for IVF eligibility. The lady at the fertilty unit wouldn't tell me what the new terms are but said that my PCT will contact me soon (but she couldn't say when). What worried me was that she said, "It might be that they will just say you're fine as you are already on the waiting list." She told me to call her back if I hadn't heard from my PCT by 5th September. That's weeeeeeeeeks away.

I then Googled my PCT and found the new criteria. I won't qualify until October 2012 because you need to have had unexplained infertility for 3 years. I will be 31 then. If they had found what is wrong with me I could have it, the sticking point is the "unexplained" bit. The problem is, we are planning on moving next year, to a completely different area (and PCT). The area we move to may not offer IVF on NHS, if they do, we will be put to the bottom of the queue.

I have been in a great mood for days but this has really upset me. I think the reason is that I am so bothered is that not sure what my PCT will say. They may say it's fine, but they may not and I won't know until I hear from them and I don't know when that will be. Until I know I can't move on.

If they say that I can't have it until Oct 2012, I will look into having it done privately, funded by egg sharing. But I can't start the ball rolling with that until I have heard back from my PCT. Maybe I will call them. I am sick of waiting.

My day in pictures- ways to be cheerful

My blog is always a mixed bag of emotions. Saturday I was in tears and my last post reflects the sadness. Yesterday (Sunday) I was a lot happier and more like my normal self.

My emotions are rather cyclical, and I'd say for most of the month I am "normal", I spend a couple of days (before AF) anxious and then a couple of days in the depths of dispair (AF and following day usually).

I had a lovely Sunday. I decided I wanted to be cheerful, and did things that I knew would make me feel happy. Even if only for a little bit.

At my hen do, I was given "Mr" and "Mrs" mugs. Now, I know we aren't married yet, but I am not a superstitious person and wanted to use them (as they are not a wedding present I thought there is no issue!).. We both love a cuppa (him more than me- he gets through at least 10 cups a day!) and these mugs felt special. I started the day with a lovely cup of tea made in these mugs...

I am really looking forward to being a married woman and these mugs remind me of the big day to come and the fact that we will soon be husband and wife. I love how he likes drinking from his too!



I had a shower and did my hair in an amazing updo... I bought a device made by a company called "Goody" that makes creating a "modern updo" very quick and easy, it's called the "Up Do Maker"... brilliant! My fiance couldn't take a good photo of my hair, but here is what it looked like (as posed by model, image stolen from t'internet) and here's the device used to create...

I put on one of my vintage summer dresses, Jackie O sunglasses and off we went to the pub. We sat outside in the beer garden in the sunshine. A beer in the pub during British summer time really is one of life's pleasures. The beer at the pub was all locally brewed and much nicer than standard fizzy lager. I had a wheat beer, followed by strawberry. Here's what he and I had:

Went home feeling a little tipsy and I carried on with my bunting project whilst watching a DVD of the Human League. I am making bunting to decorate the reception at my wedding. I am using vintage fabric scraps to create a mix-n-match effect. This is not my bunting, but it is similar...

Then we had Sunday dinner and watched a movie (whilst I knitted some more of my wedding shrug). It really was a lovely day.

Sunglasses to hide the tears, music to block the pain.

This weekend I travelled the 200 mile journey from London where I live to my mum's. Lots of wedding chores this weekend. Arrived at half nine and had a delicious takeaway curry. Went to bed and spent time looking through old photos of the family. Looking at photos of my brother and I when we were little filled me with melancholy. As I flicked through photo after photo of christmases, family holidays and grinning smily children with their whole futures ahead of them I felt bittersweet sorrow. I had a lovely childhood and grew up in a loving home. The little girl in the photo splashing in the pool, unwrapping presents, blowing out cables, being tickled and grinning endlessly will grow up and struggle to have a baby. She may never be able to create memories for a child of her own. I went to bed feeling rather sorrowful.

The next day I had my wedding hair trail, it went really well. My hair looked better than I imagined and my mum loved the bonding. Next was my dress fitting. I bought a vintage wedding dress on eBay a few months ago. It doesn't fit quite right, plus I want embellishments (more petticoats etc). The seamstress was ace. Chatty, confident and totally got the quirky vintage style I was trying to create. Suitably reassured and cheered up no end, I suggested a spot of shopping and lunch.

Off we went, happily browsing and picking up a few bits and bobs here and there. I needed the loo. That's when I realised, horrid nasty old Aunty Flo had arrived totally unexpectedly and she was 2 or 3 days early. Funnily enough I was relieved at first. I mean, at least I won't be on knicker- watch for the next 2 days and constantly poking my boobs to see if they hurt. I felt OK and surprised myself.

On the train back to London was when it hit me. My body has failed me again. It doesn't work. I can't do what so many others find easy. Thoughts of those horrible forum discussions crept in my mind, the things those bitches said - it's not life threatening, giving treatment to people like me causes people who need "more important" treatment to suffer, society hates me. It thinks I don't have a right to a baby. It thinks having a baby is a lifestyle choice.

I plugged myself into my iPod. I cracked up the volume to drown out my thoughts and stared out of the window as tears poured from my eyes - unseen as I was wearing a pair of sunglasses that I had happily purchased only a few hours ago.

Advice for NHS IVF cyclers # 1.... stay away from discussions on internet forums

I have recently been going onto a discusssion forum. Today one of the posters posted a link to this article http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2011676/IVF-lottery-win-baby-launching-Britain.html.

If you can't be bothered to follow the link, it is a literal lottery to win IVF. You pay £20 to enter, if you win, you get up to £25,000 IVF treatment.

The discussion decsended into whether or not IVF should be available on the NHS. I should not have joined in. I know it's controversial, I know that their ideas will upset me, but I went ahead and joined in. Explaining why I think it should continue to be available on the NHS.

As I was a relative newbie, I got totally lynched. They ganged up and pulled me to pieces. I thought there would be other people on there who agreed with it and perhaps they would join in. Maybe there were, but they were too scared/didn't want to.

I know I asked for it, but they pulled apart every argument I used. They said having babies is a lifestyle choice (it isn't for me at the moment, it is a need and goes way further than lifestyle), they said my arguments were childish and that they were based on what was good for me and not the country. The main poster (who is going through IVF treatment herself- presumably privately) actually told me to "F off".

It sounds daft, maybe I should have thought of better arguments, I definitely should have stayed away, but I feel genuinely upset. Almost like I was bullied. Perhaps I asked for it. I feel really bad.

I have logged out and shan't go back.

blogger won't let me comment :-(

I keep on posting comments to people's blogs and blogger pings up a message saying something like, "your message has been saved and could take a few minutes to appear"... I tried to post several comments yesterday on people's blogs and none of them have appeared even by today.

Anyone know why this could be?

I have been a bad blogger- an apology

I have been away for a while, and would like my first post back to be an apology to ICLWers...

I signed up and then realised that I would be away in France the week of ICLW. I thought that I would be able to access the internet at my Gran's (in France) but the connection was bad and access was very sporadic. I then went on my hen weekend (if you're not British, read Bachelorette party) - I didn't have access then either! Am back now baby!

To try to make up for it, I will visit and comment all of those who visited and commented on my blog.

I would like to try ICLW in future but will be more careful and check the dates next time.