Stimming!

Well, I had a meeting with Dildo Cam yesterday and my husband watched (oooh er missus). Before she started, the sonographer asked me if I had any symptoms, "Not too bad, I have had trouble sleeping though."


"Oh" she said, "You're the first person who has complained about that." OK, so I have been making it up then, clearly. I love to pretend that I am waking at 4am then 5am then 6am because I am red hot and dying to pee. She also asked my husband if I had been moody lately. Luckily he knows which way his bread is buttered and said "No, not really."

As always, I didn't sit far enough at the end of the table so had to scooch down, taking that giant loo-roll-like paper with me.

She found a thin womb lining and a "quiet" right ovary. It took her ages to find my left ovary, "Did they have trouble last time?" she asked. "No" was my reply, "I can assure you I do have a left ovary". Luckily she found it (after a good 5 mins of prodding and swirling the dildo cam). She told me it was a good thing it was all quiet, if it hadn't been my cycle would have been cancelled until the New Year :-0.


A nurse then showed my husband how to inject what can only be described as the pen of torture. It's a pen, you move the dail and squirt a load of liquid out, then you set it to the dose then you stab it into some fat and then twist the top around so it clicks 8 times. I have to go back to the clinic a week tomorrow to see if it is working.


I had my first two doses haven't been so bad so far- in fact the Buserelin hurts more.

So we will just wait and see.

Day 4 of down regulation

Still getting my husband to inject not ready to do it myself! In a way, I rather like how he is involved with it. It does seem to hurt less- maybe it's because I can't see it go in. I am just not able to do it to myself. My heart goes out to diabetics who have to do it every day for their whole lives. Nuff respec'.

So far I have no symptoms, slightly worried it's not working. The drug (Buserelin) is supposed to be kept under 25 degrees C (no, I don't know what that is in degrees F, it's slightly above room temperature OK), and I realised this morning that I was keeping the box of meds scarily close to the radiator. We had the radiators switched off until recently but this cold weather has meant having them on. The meds weren't ON the radiator, but I'd say they were about 50cm away. I am hoping that they didn't go above 25 degrees C- my husband assured me it would be OK. They are in a box, in another box and he said that room temperature is 22 degrees C so it's all probably fine. I hope so! I have moved them now to a cooler part of the room. It's not supposed to be in the fridge like my other meds.

In other news, I am eating really healthily. I am healthy anyway, but thought it can't hurt to eat even better. Someone on Fertility Friends told me that got rather bloated during one of her cycles, the clinic scanned her to see why and saw that she was... how shall I put this... rather backed up. She had no idea as her toilet habits hadn't changed. I have bought some dates to make sure that this doesn't happen to me! I drink loads of water anyway as I love it- 2 litres a day so will just maintain that. Have been making an effort to eat more protein- on Babycentre (another forum I use a lot -very supportive ladies and regularly updated posts) many ladies have posted that they been told by their clinics to drink a litre of milk everyday for their egg quality. Not a big milk fan, but have been eating daily yoghurts and have increased my egg intake 3 fold. Have also bought some protein powder and have been adding it to hot chocolate in the evenings. If I wasn't veggie I wouldn't worry, but I have wanted to make sure- there's so much more protein in a meat eater's diet than a vegetarian one. I am also eating pumpkin seeds for iron and omega 3. On top of this I am having my prenatal vitamin and taking Royal Jelly (not sure about this one, but loads of ladies recommend this for egg quality).

None of the above may make any difference, but it's not going to hurt.

WOW, that was faster than I thought

So. I went and had my egg sharing appointment about 3-4 weeks ago. They took bloods and said I would have to wait 6 weeks for the results.

Meanwhile, we had to get out GP to sign a letter to say that we have no hereditary diseases and that they are willing to disclose any further medical info should it be required. Also, Mr Vixen had to have bloods done for HIV and Hepatitis. Off he went to the Drs one morning whilst I went off to work. At work I got a phone call on my mobile, I picked it up and it was the GP. She was LOVELY. She was calling to make sure I was OK during this stressful time and to see if there is anything she can do for me. She said that they would do the tests (they are not obliged to on the NHS) and sign the letters- no charge (sometimes NHS charge for this kind of thing, it's the Dr's discrection). Made me feel really good.

Sent off the signed letter and Mr Vixen had his blood tests done on Tuesday. Today I got an email from the centre who said that my blood tests were "normal" (no figures given) and that, as they got the GP letter, they can proceed. I have been accepted! It's all happening faster than I thought! Was not expecting to hear from them for another 3 weeks. It's good really, as otherwise I would be anxiously checking my emails to see if they had accepted me or not.

Now I have to wait for Mr Vixen's blood results. I am not sure how long this will take, and I do not want to ring him as he is on his way to his stag do (bachelor for you Americans) for the weekend. When he gets back I will ask him how long it will take, then I can call the clinic and set up more appointments. We have to have counselling, SA and a "nurse planning meeting". I don't mind waiting a bit. My mind is not yet ready as I wasn't expecting it. I do not want to have IVF until after the wedding (in just under a month) as I am stressed enough! Don't worry, I will not be agreeing to this!

So in summary, I have received my results surprisingly early, and I have been accepted onto the egg sharing programme. All being well, I will start in October.

Now I have something to look forward to. I don't know how I will feel if it fails. I can't help but feel optimistic. The clinic's reputation is excellent and their success rates are 20% higher than NHS. My chances are 50% according to them. I like those odds. Mind you, there is of course a 50% chance of failure.

I hope I can get through this. I really do.

Egg sharing?

Wellity, wellity, wellity (as Homer Simpson once said).

I called the PCT (the people who were keeping me waiting regarding my IVF funding). The man who I spoke to said that my local PCT has merged with 5 others (budget cuts) and gave me a different number to call in a completely different part of London. I called the number several times and it just rang out. I was just so deflated. I am now convinced when they eventually get back to me (if they get back to me) that they will tell me I have to wait. I decided that I am sick of waiting around for NHS letters and calls. I don't want to wait around like a mug dancing to their tune (if I can help it).

Kat- thanks for suggestion to move to Korea for cheaper treatment... seems a bit extreme (though come back to me in a year and I may be desperate to get the f*&k out of this country away from breeding family and friends).

I have been considering egg sharing. There are clinics here in London that will give you free IVF (that's right, free, including drugs, scans, counselling, blood tests and consultations) if you share your eggs.

At first the idea creeped me out. I saw it as selling my eggs (I know this is legal elsewhere in the world, but I am not comfortable with the idea). Also I wasn't sure how I would feel about another woman, essentially carrying and having my child. That was until I looked up egg donation on the internet. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there about women desperate to have a baby but unable to because they have poor quality eggs. Some are too old, some are young and have gone through early menopause, some have had cancer treatment etc etc. Every recipient was grateful for the eggs that were donated to them, it was really rather moving.

The there was the issue of the egg being "my" child. When I think about it, the egg will be fertilised by her partner and then carried and nourished by her. She will give birth and then raise the child. I now think about it in terms of sperm donation. Lots of men think nothing of donating sperm (taken gratefully by women who need it) and I have never had a problem with the idea of donating sperm for these purposes.

I have been thinking this over for a few months. The runaround that I was given by the NHS gave me the final push into the private clinic's direction. I called them last week and things moved quickly.

I went for my initial consultation today. The doctor told me all about the egg sharing programme. The recipient  has no part in the selection of the donor. The donor and recipient are matched according to ethnicity, hair and eye colour (so that the recipient's baby looks like the recipient).

I had an internal scan and blood tests. I have to wait 6 weeks for the results of the blood tests (they test for things like cystic fibrosis which apparently takes a while), so I won't know if I am accepted onto the programme until then. I need to be clear of HIV, Hepatitis etc. They test my AMH levels (rather than FSH and LH) to see what my ovarian reserve is. If it's 11 or above then I will be eligible.

One interesting thing, she asked me why I wanted IVF. I told her that it was because I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. When she found out that I only had 1 tube, she said, "Then how is it unexplained infertility?" Very interesting.

have now decided that my luteal phase doesn't matter

Aftter having freaked myself out this past few months about luteal phases etc etc (inserrt yawn emoticon here)... I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter...

Rather than Google Luteal Phase defect, I Googled "Short Luteal Phase Successful Pregnancy" and found this on Baby and Bump- http://www.babyandbump.com/trying-to-conceive/552202-so-upset-short-leutal-phase-11-days-can-do.html.

If you can't be bothered to follow the link, there are loads of ladies with LPs of 10-11 days (some less) who have successfully conceived... I feel so much better having found this (I was worried that IVF would be doomed to failure because of this "defect")... My LP ranges from 9-11 days- was 11 days last month.

I think that this just goes to show that Google is not always your friend and sometimes reassurance can be found by entering something optimisitic rather than pessimistic.

I am one of life's worriers- sometimes the concerns are genuine usually they are over nothing. Yes I have "unexplained infertility" but that doesn't mean that I will never get my sprog. My sprog already has a name. It has to happen one day. It has to.

Meandering

I only tend to blog when something bad happens. When I am feeling OK, I don't really feel the need to write. I mainly use this blog as therapy!

Lately I have been googling "unexplained infertility IVF". I find the whole "unexplained" thingy hard to swallow. I mean, surely if nothing was wrong it would have happened by now. My thoughts are that there is something wrong and it is something that can't be fixed.Googling "unexplained infertility" made me feel better. I found lots of posts on forums from women in the same boat having the same thoughts. What was even better was that the posts were a couple of years old and most of them had successfully conceived (most through IVF, some naturally) and had their babies.


I am looking forward to my first hospital appointment. The clinic I am going to is well regarded and I intend on asking about luteal phase (and getting an expert opinion on whether there is such a thing as a luteal phase defect). If there is a problem, I am hoping IVF will bypass it as my cycles will be artificially controlled (and hopefully I will not have a short LP for my IVF cycle).

I know that the odds of it working for me (resulting in a live birth) are something like 33%- I am 29, healthy, good FSH levels etc etc...Apparently, IVF is a diagnostic tool, so we could go through the process and find something wrong- in a way I would be relieved, if there is a problem there should be a solution.

luteal phase, caffeine and TTC

After a couple of months of TTC I found out that it is beneficial to give up caffeine so I did- I switched to de-caff... around this time I started tracking my cycles and using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs)... I soon discovered that I had a short luteal phase. The women’s cycle is one of two halves, the first half is the body gearing up for ovulation and is dominated by estrogen, the second half is gearing up for implantation and is dominated by progesterone. The part of the cycle following ovulation is called the luteal phase and should be between 10-16 days long. If the luteal phase is not long enough the womb lining starts to break down before the implantation of successfully fertilised egg can take place. In monitoring my cycles, I discovered that my luteal phase is border-line and varies from 9-11 days.

I have been diagnosed with “unexplained fertility”, this means that both myself and my other half have been tested and all seems to be fine. When I asked the doctor about luteal phase defect she looked at me like I was mad. She said that as long as I am producing enough progesterone 7 days post ovulation (I am ) then if an egg were to be fertilised my body would produce extra progesterone to nourish the pregnancy.

I say that perhaps my infertility is not unexplained! I wonder why there has not been more research into this. There is properly done medical research that shows luteal phase defect to be a problem, but NHS doctors don’t seem to accredit it.

There are natural supplements that can be taken for luteal phase defect and I have tried them to no avail (agnus castus, evening primrose, soya isoflavones). The only thing I haven’t tried is progesterone pessaries- these are prescription only. I won’t be able to get a prescription because my doctor doesn’t think I have a problem.

I tell you what I have noticed, my luteal phase is shorter when I eliminate caffeine from my diet. I don’t know what the link is, but I am convinced that there is one. I had no caffeine last month and my luteal phase was 9 days, this month I have had caffeine and I am on 11dpo and counting...

10 dpo and symptom spotting like mad :-/

I hate symptom spotting. I have mental conversations with myself that go something like this:


me: oooh, your boobs are sore today
me: stop it, your boobs are sore every month around this time
me: I have cramps
me: stop it, you have cramps every month around this time...
me: yes, but this month it could mean something
me: no, it means nothing, you're infertile, remember? 


ad nauseum...

queue frantic typing of "10 dpo cramps" and "10 dpo sore boobs" into Google.



10 DPO and have had the above conversation with myself several times. And I have spent a good hour on google trying to find out if my CM could indicate pregnancy.

I will do a test tomorrow AM, no doubt it will be a BFN and then my AF will arrive later that day (this is what usually happens...

Phrases I hate and other stories...

If there's a phrase I hate more than "relax and it will happen" it must be "chin up".

For some reason, when someone says, "chin up" I feel insulted. I wonder why this is? I think perhaps it is the implication that I am wallowing in self-pity, or that I am upsetting myself over nothing. It is a stupid archaic phrase that belongs in a Enid Blyton novel:

"Mother, I was going to the shop with my ha'penny to purchase some ginger beer when I tripped over Betsy's skipping rope and hurt my knee."
"There there Susan, it is only a grazed knee. Worse things happen at sea, now chin up."

I have been in a funny mood lately. Normally I keep my woes to myself, but this past couple of days I have poured my heart out to two random people. One of them is a friend on a wedding forum who didn't know what to say (look, my AF had arrived and I was in a bad place OK) and the other is a relative in Australia whom I haven't seen for years and years. Said relative is 33-ish and had just got engaged so I sent an email to congratulate her. She replied asking how my wedding plans are going and whether I want kids. So I sent her a massive email telling her everything. The reply? Something along the lines of, "Oh, I am so sorry. My friend had a baby by IVF. There is hope. Chin up."

I think I will go back to keeping things to myself.

The Royal Wedding

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, there's a bit of an event occurring in London tomorrow. Not fussed either way, but hey ho, we get a day off work, so great!

I will be spending the day with my two bridesmaids-to-be making eating scones and jam and making bunting for my own wedding in September.

This wedding has got me thinking though. The media are going on about it (as one would expect), but I think they will be worse after the wedding. Poor Kate, she will be the most watched newlywed in the world. "Is she?" "Isn't she?", what if she puts on a few pounds during the honeymoon? Will she be offended that the press are speculating about whether or not she is pregnant? Then my biggest fear of all, that she does fall pregnant immediately. Then we will have months of pregnancy bump photos etc- Kate stroking her bump, Wills and Kate holding hands, walking on the beach- bump proudly displayed, Wills stroking Kate's bump. Urgh. Pass me the sick bucket.

I myself am dreading this part of married life. I remember when my partner's brother got married, everyone was constantly looking at his wife's stomach and making comments behind her back or noticing if she wasn't drinking. This speculation went on for 3 years (that's how long it took her to get pregnant).

Before we were engaged we were constantly getting asked when we were going to start a family. My mum would say things like, "don't leave it too long, it might be too late"... (sadly she may be right :-/). I would always coyly say, "oh, sometime in the future" rather than, "we're trying it's not happening, it's got nothing to do with you, so PISS OFF!". Worse than this is my other half's Mum. We have loads of neices and nephews now, whenever I hold them or play with them I get comments like, "that suits you", "you're a natural" or the most hurtful of all, "you'd make a good mum". I am sure I would, I wish/hope that one day I will get the chance to be. I can never say this, just smile politely and change the subject.

Now we are engaged, the pressure is off for now, but I know it will be back on the minute we step out of that register office. A (male) colleague made a comment along the lines of "after you get married, it won't be long before you are the familiy way". If only it was that simple.

general thoughts and musings on getting pregnant

At school we are taught, if you EVER have sex without protection YOU WILL get pregnant straight away and it will ruin your life forever.

Before we started trying, I assumed it would happen for us straight away. Of course, I had heard of people having trouble conceiving, but that was them not us. We were in our late twenties, had the correct BMI, healthy, liked exercising and no-one in either family had fertility problems to the best of our knowledge. When we tried, we would fall quickly, I would have a trouble-free pregnancy and a quick birth.

Getting pregnant is not always easy. It is easy for most but not all. I should have known we would have problems. It is just typical.

We have been a couple for 10 years now, why the hell did we not start trying 5 years ago? Oh the arrogance of youth. I remember saying to him (a year before we started trying), "I think we should try in January, that way we can have the baby before Christmas, I don't want to be pregnant over Christmas."

Now, I don't care when I am pregnant as long as it happens. I really hope it does and that this is a blog with a happy ending.

fertility investigations

Immediately after the ectopic I relaxed. I thought, "if we have done it once, we can do it again!". Here the curse of the forum strikes. I noticed that a lot of people who had ectopics fell pregnant again really quickly (within months). I convinced myself that it will happen soon and if that it didn't, it would not happen at all.

4 months later,and nothing happened. That 4th month, I was late and thought we had done it. Sadly it was just the case that my period was late. Tears ensued and my poor fiance (we got engaged September 2010, 9 months after we had started trying) by then had run out of things to say. It was 10 months since we had started trying and I had become a different person. Crying at the drop of a hat, moody and sometimes withdrawn.

He insisted that I go to the doctors for tests and so I did. My hormones showed that I was ovulating, his sperm analysis was fine. I had no signs of disease, my remaining tube was clear (I had the dreaded HSG- oh how undignified).

I very much appreciate the NHS, and the fact that it is free (they were excellent at treating my ectopic) but I spent a lot of time waiting around in waiting rooms. If you make an appointment with the hospital for a certain time, it is highly unlikely that you will get seen at that time. Usually I had to wait between 40-60 minutes. When I finally got in to see the doctor, he would talk at me for 5 minutes, then I would be dismissed.

At my last appointment (February 2011), he said that as they could find nothing wrong with us, we have "unexplained infertility" and I am being referred for IVF.

So here we are, I have been referred for IVF. The list in my area is around 2 years apparently. My first appointment in on the 23rd May. I expect them to ask us to complete a form and to tell us that we will be waiting around for 2 years.