WOW, that was faster than I thought

So. I went and had my egg sharing appointment about 3-4 weeks ago. They took bloods and said I would have to wait 6 weeks for the results.

Meanwhile, we had to get out GP to sign a letter to say that we have no hereditary diseases and that they are willing to disclose any further medical info should it be required. Also, Mr Vixen had to have bloods done for HIV and Hepatitis. Off he went to the Drs one morning whilst I went off to work. At work I got a phone call on my mobile, I picked it up and it was the GP. She was LOVELY. She was calling to make sure I was OK during this stressful time and to see if there is anything she can do for me. She said that they would do the tests (they are not obliged to on the NHS) and sign the letters- no charge (sometimes NHS charge for this kind of thing, it's the Dr's discrection). Made me feel really good.

Sent off the signed letter and Mr Vixen had his blood tests done on Tuesday. Today I got an email from the centre who said that my blood tests were "normal" (no figures given) and that, as they got the GP letter, they can proceed. I have been accepted! It's all happening faster than I thought! Was not expecting to hear from them for another 3 weeks. It's good really, as otherwise I would be anxiously checking my emails to see if they had accepted me or not.

Now I have to wait for Mr Vixen's blood results. I am not sure how long this will take, and I do not want to ring him as he is on his way to his stag do (bachelor for you Americans) for the weekend. When he gets back I will ask him how long it will take, then I can call the clinic and set up more appointments. We have to have counselling, SA and a "nurse planning meeting". I don't mind waiting a bit. My mind is not yet ready as I wasn't expecting it. I do not want to have IVF until after the wedding (in just under a month) as I am stressed enough! Don't worry, I will not be agreeing to this!

So in summary, I have received my results surprisingly early, and I have been accepted onto the egg sharing programme. All being well, I will start in October.

Now I have something to look forward to. I don't know how I will feel if it fails. I can't help but feel optimistic. The clinic's reputation is excellent and their success rates are 20% higher than NHS. My chances are 50% according to them. I like those odds. Mind you, there is of course a 50% chance of failure.

I hope I can get through this. I really do.

Egg sharing?

Wellity, wellity, wellity (as Homer Simpson once said).

I called the PCT (the people who were keeping me waiting regarding my IVF funding). The man who I spoke to said that my local PCT has merged with 5 others (budget cuts) and gave me a different number to call in a completely different part of London. I called the number several times and it just rang out. I was just so deflated. I am now convinced when they eventually get back to me (if they get back to me) that they will tell me I have to wait. I decided that I am sick of waiting around for NHS letters and calls. I don't want to wait around like a mug dancing to their tune (if I can help it).

Kat- thanks for suggestion to move to Korea for cheaper treatment... seems a bit extreme (though come back to me in a year and I may be desperate to get the f*&k out of this country away from breeding family and friends).

I have been considering egg sharing. There are clinics here in London that will give you free IVF (that's right, free, including drugs, scans, counselling, blood tests and consultations) if you share your eggs.

At first the idea creeped me out. I saw it as selling my eggs (I know this is legal elsewhere in the world, but I am not comfortable with the idea). Also I wasn't sure how I would feel about another woman, essentially carrying and having my child. That was until I looked up egg donation on the internet. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there about women desperate to have a baby but unable to because they have poor quality eggs. Some are too old, some are young and have gone through early menopause, some have had cancer treatment etc etc. Every recipient was grateful for the eggs that were donated to them, it was really rather moving.

The there was the issue of the egg being "my" child. When I think about it, the egg will be fertilised by her partner and then carried and nourished by her. She will give birth and then raise the child. I now think about it in terms of sperm donation. Lots of men think nothing of donating sperm (taken gratefully by women who need it) and I have never had a problem with the idea of donating sperm for these purposes.

I have been thinking this over for a few months. The runaround that I was given by the NHS gave me the final push into the private clinic's direction. I called them last week and things moved quickly.

I went for my initial consultation today. The doctor told me all about the egg sharing programme. The recipient  has no part in the selection of the donor. The donor and recipient are matched according to ethnicity, hair and eye colour (so that the recipient's baby looks like the recipient).

I had an internal scan and blood tests. I have to wait 6 weeks for the results of the blood tests (they test for things like cystic fibrosis which apparently takes a while), so I won't know if I am accepted onto the programme until then. I need to be clear of HIV, Hepatitis etc. They test my AMH levels (rather than FSH and LH) to see what my ovarian reserve is. If it's 11 or above then I will be eligible.

One interesting thing, she asked me why I wanted IVF. I told her that it was because I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. When she found out that I only had 1 tube, she said, "Then how is it unexplained infertility?" Very interesting.

Egg sharing

So, I have filled you all in on my story so far. Well, most of it.

I was shocked that the next step for us is IVF. Since looking into it more, I have got used to the idea and actually want to get started on it as soon as possible.

I live in London, and I have spotted ads on the tube offering free IVF for egg sharers. At first the idea appalled me. It almost seemed that it was a way around selling a baby. The more I investigated, the more I realised that this is not really the case. There are women who have had chemo or are going through early menopause who would otherwise have no chance of having a baby. It is a collection of cells and DNA and, not really different from donating sperm. The recipient would grow the baby herself and the baby would take nourishment from her. And so, it really wouldn't be my baby at all, but the recipients.

The conclusion I came to was that I really want to give this a go, and would like to start sooner rather than later. My fiance however, would take some convincing. And now we come to the lowest part of my life so far.

I came home from work and said, "I want to talk to you about IVF." He said, "To be honest, I just wish that you would forget about it." This started the mother of all arguments. We had to leave the flat as my brother was staying with us and we didn't want him to see us.

And so that is how we came to be sitting by the Thames rowing. My fiance in dispair, I in dispair. The chill wind throwing my hair around my shoulders, freezing us to our bones and making the row all the more unpleasant. I have never felt as low as I did then. I just wanted to jump in the river. All I wanted was to be able to openly discuss my hopes and fears and for him to offer me comfort. Now I think that I was a little selfish. No-one has endless patience to listen to the same moaning over and over. I am always speculating and wondering, he prefers not to think about it. I told him that those times when I don't mention it (and I can go like this for weeks) it is not far from my mind and I am doing all I can to distract myself from my main fear. The fear that we will never have children. If we don't, will we get over it and have happy lives?