Been away for a while...

Well bloggers, I have been away for a while. Have been so busy at work and making things for the wedding that I haven't had much time to blog. I turned 30 last week too, was relatively painless.

AF turned up on Tuesday so I went for bloods/scan at NHS clinic, and made a consultant appointment. Had to make it for after the honeymoon (so it's on the 7th October, just 2 days after we return). I asked how long I would be waiting, and was told that we would pretty much start after the appointment. At the appointment, they look at my hormone levels and my OH's SA then decide on the best course of treatment. I was also told that the process takes up to 10 weeks- I guess I will be on long protocol then!

In other news, I found out on FB today that a friend of mine who married this time last year has just left work on maternity leave (I had no idea and am thankful for her lack of nauseating pregnancy-related status updates). I felt a bit sick, as the green-eyed monster reared it's ugly head. That means she was only trying for 3 months or so before she got pregnant. She is about the same age as me too. That said, I would never wish IF on her, I just wish I was fertile that's all!

I think the whole IF thing is so difficult because we are in a minority and most of society have no problem getting pregnant at all.

I dread what will happen and how I will feel if the IVF cycle fails. I will try again, but I don't know at what stage I will give up. I have already started thinking about/researching adoption. Is that ridiculous?

OK, slight change of plan

No sooner do I get confirmation of acceptance onto egg sharing scheme, do I get a letter from the NHS inviting me to start preliminary tests for IVF treatment- this essentially means that I can start an NHS funded cycle pretty soon.

I wasn't too sure whether or not to use up my NHS cycle as I had already started the egg share process, but my OH and various other internet IVF cyclers told me I should go for the NHS one if it is available.

I have thought about it, and I think I will go for my NHS cycle. For one thing, if I turn it down, I imagine I will get sent to the bottom of the waiting list should I need it if the egg sharing cycle fails. Also, a lot of people put fear into me about there not being enough eggs to share etc. The main thing is that the whole process is an emotional drain, if I share my eggs, it could make me feel worse (if the recipient falls pregnant and I don't e.g.).

Anyway, the next step for me is to contact the hospital when my AF arrives- due on Monday 29th. I need to have the blood tests again, Mr Vixen will be having another SA.

WOW, that was faster than I thought

So. I went and had my egg sharing appointment about 3-4 weeks ago. They took bloods and said I would have to wait 6 weeks for the results.

Meanwhile, we had to get out GP to sign a letter to say that we have no hereditary diseases and that they are willing to disclose any further medical info should it be required. Also, Mr Vixen had to have bloods done for HIV and Hepatitis. Off he went to the Drs one morning whilst I went off to work. At work I got a phone call on my mobile, I picked it up and it was the GP. She was LOVELY. She was calling to make sure I was OK during this stressful time and to see if there is anything she can do for me. She said that they would do the tests (they are not obliged to on the NHS) and sign the letters- no charge (sometimes NHS charge for this kind of thing, it's the Dr's discrection). Made me feel really good.

Sent off the signed letter and Mr Vixen had his blood tests done on Tuesday. Today I got an email from the centre who said that my blood tests were "normal" (no figures given) and that, as they got the GP letter, they can proceed. I have been accepted! It's all happening faster than I thought! Was not expecting to hear from them for another 3 weeks. It's good really, as otherwise I would be anxiously checking my emails to see if they had accepted me or not.

Now I have to wait for Mr Vixen's blood results. I am not sure how long this will take, and I do not want to ring him as he is on his way to his stag do (bachelor for you Americans) for the weekend. When he gets back I will ask him how long it will take, then I can call the clinic and set up more appointments. We have to have counselling, SA and a "nurse planning meeting". I don't mind waiting a bit. My mind is not yet ready as I wasn't expecting it. I do not want to have IVF until after the wedding (in just under a month) as I am stressed enough! Don't worry, I will not be agreeing to this!

So in summary, I have received my results surprisingly early, and I have been accepted onto the egg sharing programme. All being well, I will start in October.

Now I have something to look forward to. I don't know how I will feel if it fails. I can't help but feel optimistic. The clinic's reputation is excellent and their success rates are 20% higher than NHS. My chances are 50% according to them. I like those odds. Mind you, there is of course a 50% chance of failure.

I hope I can get through this. I really do.

Interesting...

Well, as usually happens when I announce on here that my AF is due, she arrived yesterday (a bit) then in full force today.

This is the strange part, I do not feel like I normally do (emotionally that is, physically worse than ever, but I shall gloss over that for now). Usually, when the witch arrives, I feel an emotion that has no name. It is made up of many feelings, disappointment, sadness, dispair, depression, the belief that I will never ever be a mum etc etc. I usually walk around on the verge of tears all day. Yesterday I felt a bit down at first, then, it slowly dawned on me that for some reason, this month I do not feel like jumping off the nearest bridge, crying endlessly or telling every living soul to do one. Honestly. No sadness. In fact I was relieved she didn't arrive later (thus ruining my relaxing holiday in the woods).


I don't know why, or what my thought process is, but I genuinely feel "normal". I feel like I used to, before TTC. I wish I did know why, if I did, I would bottle it and use it again! That's the worst thing about the TTC business, every cycle that fails, so many thoughts and emotions crowd my mind making me feel like a freak. I have said so often to my other half, "I can't just press a switch and make these feelings go away. I wish I could."

This month I have. I don't know how I have pressed the switch, but I am not complaining!

In one of those moods...

I am permanently tired. I have so much going on in my life and I wish it would stop.

The wedding: We get married next month and there are still little fiddly bits to do. I asked my Mum to go to the local cash and carry to buy a large jar of sweets and some small cartons of drink for the children at my wedding.  I can't go as the wedding is being held in my home town over 200 miles away from London and I have NO time to do anything. She ended up buying 5 large jars of sweets and 3 times more drinks than required (and ended up spending £90- which she billed us for- on this crap). We had no intention of spending this kind of money on children and am annoyed my Mum didn't check with us first before spending that kind of money on something so frivolous. My other half went mad. He said that children these days are already spoilt/eat too many sweets and most of the sweets won't get eaten (I think that the sweets will get eaten as many adults love sweets, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth so can't believe it). Now I can't trust Mum to go and get stuff and she just goes mad (with our money too!).

My brother: He told me a few weeks ago that he is moving to London with his girlfriend to work and that he is planning on staying with Dad. I live in London, Dad lives a 40 minute train ride out of London. I told him that he and his girlfriend are welcome to stay with us for a few weeks whilst they settle in and find a place to live. Last week he told me that his girlfriend's work placement starts 2 days after our wedding and lasts 10 weeks. That means that when we come back from honeymoon we will not have any alone time. Additionally, this is when I am due to start IVF treatment and my other half has an exam (my brother doesn't know these things though). Any normal person would think, "Oh, they will have just got married and will have just returned from honeymoon. It is not appropriate for us to go and stay with them at that point." But not him. He is 27 and should know better. Now, I am going to have to tell him to go and stay with Dad for 3-4 weeks so that we can enjoy a bit of peace and quiet after having returned from our honeymoon (I will NOT be telling him about IVF). I am just irriatated that I have to tell him these things and he hasn't got the common sense to realise it for himself.

At work we have implimented a new computer system and it keeps going wrong. I have to keep on sorting it and I have no patience.

My AF is due (from yesterday and could arrive anytime up till Saturday- cycles for me vary from 24-28 days).

I haven't been able to sleep lately, it's hot and muggy in London. Plus I have a lot on my mind. I am exhausted and sick of it all. I am sick of thinking ahead and planning and doing. I want and need to relax.

Me and the Mr are going camping in the woods for a few days. Just us two. I can't wait. My AF is likely to show whilst I am camping. Not the best circumstances for AF (campsite toilets anyone?) but perhaps I will deal with it better in tranquil surroundings.

Egg sharing?

Wellity, wellity, wellity (as Homer Simpson once said).

I called the PCT (the people who were keeping me waiting regarding my IVF funding). The man who I spoke to said that my local PCT has merged with 5 others (budget cuts) and gave me a different number to call in a completely different part of London. I called the number several times and it just rang out. I was just so deflated. I am now convinced when they eventually get back to me (if they get back to me) that they will tell me I have to wait. I decided that I am sick of waiting around for NHS letters and calls. I don't want to wait around like a mug dancing to their tune (if I can help it).

Kat- thanks for suggestion to move to Korea for cheaper treatment... seems a bit extreme (though come back to me in a year and I may be desperate to get the f*&k out of this country away from breeding family and friends).

I have been considering egg sharing. There are clinics here in London that will give you free IVF (that's right, free, including drugs, scans, counselling, blood tests and consultations) if you share your eggs.

At first the idea creeped me out. I saw it as selling my eggs (I know this is legal elsewhere in the world, but I am not comfortable with the idea). Also I wasn't sure how I would feel about another woman, essentially carrying and having my child. That was until I looked up egg donation on the internet. There are so many heartbreaking stories out there about women desperate to have a baby but unable to because they have poor quality eggs. Some are too old, some are young and have gone through early menopause, some have had cancer treatment etc etc. Every recipient was grateful for the eggs that were donated to them, it was really rather moving.

The there was the issue of the egg being "my" child. When I think about it, the egg will be fertilised by her partner and then carried and nourished by her. She will give birth and then raise the child. I now think about it in terms of sperm donation. Lots of men think nothing of donating sperm (taken gratefully by women who need it) and I have never had a problem with the idea of donating sperm for these purposes.

I have been thinking this over for a few months. The runaround that I was given by the NHS gave me the final push into the private clinic's direction. I called them last week and things moved quickly.

I went for my initial consultation today. The doctor told me all about the egg sharing programme. The recipient  has no part in the selection of the donor. The donor and recipient are matched according to ethnicity, hair and eye colour (so that the recipient's baby looks like the recipient).

I had an internal scan and blood tests. I have to wait 6 weeks for the results of the blood tests (they test for things like cystic fibrosis which apparently takes a while), so I won't know if I am accepted onto the programme until then. I need to be clear of HIV, Hepatitis etc. They test my AMH levels (rather than FSH and LH) to see what my ovarian reserve is. If it's 11 or above then I will be eligible.

One interesting thing, she asked me why I wanted IVF. I told her that it was because I have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. When she found out that I only had 1 tube, she said, "Then how is it unexplained infertility?" Very interesting.

You just keep me hangin' on

Well, I received a letter a month ago telling me that I am on the IVF waiting list. There was no indication on the letter how long the list is. I called and got told that my local area (Primary Care Trust -PCT) have bought into the services of the hospital where I have been referred and are negotiating a contract- I should call back in 3 weeks to find out what the new terms are and how long the waiting list is for my area. How ridiculously complicated.

So anyway, I called back yesterday and found out that my PCT have changed the criteria for IVF eligibility. The lady at the fertilty unit wouldn't tell me what the new terms are but said that my PCT will contact me soon (but she couldn't say when). What worried me was that she said, "It might be that they will just say you're fine as you are already on the waiting list." She told me to call her back if I hadn't heard from my PCT by 5th September. That's weeeeeeeeeks away.

I then Googled my PCT and found the new criteria. I won't qualify until October 2012 because you need to have had unexplained infertility for 3 years. I will be 31 then. If they had found what is wrong with me I could have it, the sticking point is the "unexplained" bit. The problem is, we are planning on moving next year, to a completely different area (and PCT). The area we move to may not offer IVF on NHS, if they do, we will be put to the bottom of the queue.

I have been in a great mood for days but this has really upset me. I think the reason is that I am so bothered is that not sure what my PCT will say. They may say it's fine, but they may not and I won't know until I hear from them and I don't know when that will be. Until I know I can't move on.

If they say that I can't have it until Oct 2012, I will look into having it done privately, funded by egg sharing. But I can't start the ball rolling with that until I have heard back from my PCT. Maybe I will call them. I am sick of waiting.