Well, it's been a while since my last post.
I never know what to write anymore. My blog is intended to be an infertility blog, to get out my feelings and to help others in my situation feel better. Therefore, I have not really wanted to blog about my pregnancy as I don't think it is particularly helpful.
I keep coming back to update for those who are curious about me and how I am doing.
Everything is going well. I look huge and am always being offered seats on the tube (no need for one of those hideous Baby on Board badges then!). My body has totally changed shape- I used to be petite but now I have massive boobs and a large bump. I am covered in veins and my boobs are red with stretchmarks. I don't mind though, my little girl is worth it.
In fact, every so often I am put into a situaiton that reminds me of how lucky I am (not that I didn't already know it). Two days ago I went for my midwife check and mentioned that I had excessive CM (how glamorous). She looked concerned (at this stage it could be waters leaking) and referred me for a speculum examination. I had the examination and boy did it hurt. I thought I was familiar with my old friend Mr Speculum, having had my vagina opened up by one many times during treatment. For some reason this time it really hurt- I was actually wincing in pain. The Dr kept telling me to cough (no mean feat when you're trying not to cry out in pain) and confirmed that my waters had not broken (phew) but that my womb was "open a little bit" (whaaaaaaaaaat?). I then had to wait in a cubicle whilst she spoke to the registrar (her boss) to decide what to do with me. Meanwhile, millions of thoughts flashed through my head. That I would lose my baby, that I would be put on strict bed rest in the hosptial for the rest of the summer, that I would have my baby but she would be in the special care unit for months due to being 14 weeks early. I felt like crying and texted my husband to let him know, he texted back to say he was on his way home. After what seemed like an age (but was probably only 20-30 minutes) the Dr returned to say I could go home. I was confused, scared and shocked. Why was she sending me home when my womb was open? She just reassured me that discharge can be normal, she is satisfied it's not my waters and I should call in again if I feel a pop or start bleeding. I made my home, not knowing what to make of it all. I tried to call my husband but he didn't pick up, so I texted him. When he got home, the poor bloke told me he had gone to hospital to look for me and had been trying to find me. He said that he had explained to the receptionist what had happened and she said that I may be on the Labour Ward. Then he looked at his phone and saw my message so came home. The poor guy, he was so panicked.
It was only a few hours later that I realised I should have asked a couple more questions. I consulted evil Dr Google and could find nothing that indicated that having a "slightly open womb" is normal, in fact it should be closed until at least few weeks before labour. It was a long night. The next morning I called the midwives and I spoke to a lovely midwife (who sounded old enough to retire and kept calling me "my dear"). She explained that it was fine and happens if women have had surgery on or around their cervix. As I had IVF my cervix had been clamped open for the embryos to be put back, so now it would not be completely closed. She said that it is not totally open, it's just the outer bit and the inside would be firmly closed and that they definitely would not have sent me home if they had been worried. She also said that this does not mean I will labour early or anything. Why did the Dr not tell me this? Would have saved me a night of panic and worry.
I felt so relieved and have been reminded, once again, how lucky we are to be in this situation.We are in the process of selling our flat and buying a house and have been finding it stressful, but now we have been reminded of our priorities, we both feel relaxed. As long as our little girl is healthy we don't care!
Right, I am off to catch up on some of my favourite blogs.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
It's been a while
Been meaning to blog for well over a week. In fact I made a draft on my phone but I can't figure out how to retrieve it on my PC.
I was going to blog about how I still get jealous of fertiles- but I am not really feeling it today, so I'll save that for another time.
I do feel mixed emotions about this IVF pregnancy. The main feeling is of disbelief, then happiness. I also feel guilty. Guilty for so many reasons. I have got to know so many ladies stuggling to conceive, either through this blog or through forums. There are ladies who have poor quality eggs and/or whose partners have poor quality sperm; there are ladies who get their much wanted BFPs and then go on to have miscarriages, ectopics or both; ladies who try for years and years before getting pregnant; ladies who try for years and never get pregnant; ladies who can't try IVF for various reasons (financial or personal) the list is endless. It's against the odds for it to work first time, and when it worked for me, amongst the first thoughts I had were for my fellow infertiles. I wondered how my good news would make them feel- I know how it would have made me feel if I were in their shoes. I know how lucky I am, I am so grateful to be in this position but I feel guilty because, in infertile terms, I have had it pretty easy. I look back at my blog and I can see it has been a painful ride, but I seem to be getting near to the end of the roller coaster.
Most of the time I am over the moon but I get paranoid and worried that something will go wrong at any minute. I had a bad experience a couple of weeks ago- nothing to do with the baby- because I was kept waiting for one hour and forty minutes for my midwife appointment. My husband took a half day off work to come and listen to the heartbeat. He ended up leaving after and hour and twenty minutes as he had made an appointment with an estate agent to value our flat. Anyway, due to the wait, and the fact I was aware that my husband's half-day off was wasted, I was very stressed when I went into my appointment. I felt rather rushed and it took her ages to find the heartbeat. I felt feeling deflated and rather depressed. Pathetic really, and I can't really explain why. I think I had expected to have a bonding experience (as I did at 13 weeks when I first heard the heartbeat) but I felt nothing of the sort. I woke up the next day hoping to have fogotten about it, but I couldn't shake my mood. Anyway, we decided to book a private gender scan- I can scarcely believe I am pregnant so scans and dopplers are all I have until I feel proper kicks.
I had the scan last week and it was very reassuring, there she was (I am having a girl), wriggling around. Such a relief. So here I am 18 weeks pregnant, having thought it would never happen. I still worry sometimes, but I think I am getting my head around it. I won't relax properly until she's here of course. On the day of the scan I think I felt her first movements- I think I have felt her every day since. I can't to feel proper kicks so I know she is in there and OK otherwise I would be wanting scans every week.
I hope that I have not cursed myself by blogging. Stupid paranoia.
I may blog again in a couple of weeks after I had my anomoly scan. I do check in every week or so though, just to stalk you all, and sometimes I will leave a comment.
I was going to blog about how I still get jealous of fertiles- but I am not really feeling it today, so I'll save that for another time.
I do feel mixed emotions about this IVF pregnancy. The main feeling is of disbelief, then happiness. I also feel guilty. Guilty for so many reasons. I have got to know so many ladies stuggling to conceive, either through this blog or through forums. There are ladies who have poor quality eggs and/or whose partners have poor quality sperm; there are ladies who get their much wanted BFPs and then go on to have miscarriages, ectopics or both; ladies who try for years and years before getting pregnant; ladies who try for years and never get pregnant; ladies who can't try IVF for various reasons (financial or personal) the list is endless. It's against the odds for it to work first time, and when it worked for me, amongst the first thoughts I had were for my fellow infertiles. I wondered how my good news would make them feel- I know how it would have made me feel if I were in their shoes. I know how lucky I am, I am so grateful to be in this position but I feel guilty because, in infertile terms, I have had it pretty easy. I look back at my blog and I can see it has been a painful ride, but I seem to be getting near to the end of the roller coaster.
Most of the time I am over the moon but I get paranoid and worried that something will go wrong at any minute. I had a bad experience a couple of weeks ago- nothing to do with the baby- because I was kept waiting for one hour and forty minutes for my midwife appointment. My husband took a half day off work to come and listen to the heartbeat. He ended up leaving after and hour and twenty minutes as he had made an appointment with an estate agent to value our flat. Anyway, due to the wait, and the fact I was aware that my husband's half-day off was wasted, I was very stressed when I went into my appointment. I felt rather rushed and it took her ages to find the heartbeat. I felt feeling deflated and rather depressed. Pathetic really, and I can't really explain why. I think I had expected to have a bonding experience (as I did at 13 weeks when I first heard the heartbeat) but I felt nothing of the sort. I woke up the next day hoping to have fogotten about it, but I couldn't shake my mood. Anyway, we decided to book a private gender scan- I can scarcely believe I am pregnant so scans and dopplers are all I have until I feel proper kicks.
I had the scan last week and it was very reassuring, there she was (I am having a girl), wriggling around. Such a relief. So here I am 18 weeks pregnant, having thought it would never happen. I still worry sometimes, but I think I am getting my head around it. I won't relax properly until she's here of course. On the day of the scan I think I felt her first movements- I think I have felt her every day since. I can't to feel proper kicks so I know she is in there and OK otherwise I would be wanting scans every week.
I hope that I have not cursed myself by blogging. Stupid paranoia.
I may blog again in a couple of weeks after I had my anomoly scan. I do check in every week or so though, just to stalk you all, and sometimes I will leave a comment.
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
13 weeks, scan, relief and disbelief
Hi bloggers. Sorry I haven't been posting much, as I mentioned previously, I have started to feel a bit superstitious about my blog.
We had our nuchal scan on Monday and all looked perfect. We saw the baby's brain (can't take after my side of the family as it has one... ho ho, chortle, chortle), arms, legs, spine and heard the heartbeat for the first time. We were delighted and relieved but I didn't cry.
We spent that evening calling and telling people, some of them sounded more excited than us. In fact, that worried me a bit. Why are people more excited than me? It felt wrong telling people, like I am some sort of fraudster/imposter and I am not really pregnant at all. I don't feel much different, apart from extreme tiredness and occasional mild nausea, though I look pregnant (many friends said they knew before I told them as I look pregnant- must be bloat).
I know many people cry when they see their baby on the screen or hear the heartbeat- I didn't. Am I made of stone?
I wonder if, one some level, I am protecting myself. Due to the time taken to get here, I think I still don't believe it will happen. I can't imagine giving birth, I can't imagine breastfeeding, hell, I can't imagine having a real bump or being kicked by the baby.
I am not giving myself a hard time, but I surprised myself with my reaction.
We had our nuchal scan on Monday and all looked perfect. We saw the baby's brain (can't take after my side of the family as it has one... ho ho, chortle, chortle), arms, legs, spine and heard the heartbeat for the first time. We were delighted and relieved but I didn't cry.
We spent that evening calling and telling people, some of them sounded more excited than us. In fact, that worried me a bit. Why are people more excited than me? It felt wrong telling people, like I am some sort of fraudster/imposter and I am not really pregnant at all. I don't feel much different, apart from extreme tiredness and occasional mild nausea, though I look pregnant (many friends said they knew before I told them as I look pregnant- must be bloat).
I know many people cry when they see their baby on the screen or hear the heartbeat- I didn't. Am I made of stone?
I wonder if, one some level, I am protecting myself. Due to the time taken to get here, I think I still don't believe it will happen. I can't imagine giving birth, I can't imagine breastfeeding, hell, I can't imagine having a real bump or being kicked by the baby.
I am not giving myself a hard time, but I surprised myself with my reaction.
Friday, 17 February 2012
Pain in the arse colleagues
Well, inspired by Sushi Girl's entry about irritating colleagues, I thought I would post about one of mine.
To start with, her voice is so annoying. She sounds like Katie Price (Jordan). If you don't know how she speaks, it's through her nose, long and drawn out, common and bored. She says, "Oh, ffffannnk yooooooou." She's a bit of a bitch and spends a lot of time at other people's desks whispering, pulling faces. You wouldn't think she is 29.
She got married in 2010 and ALL she spoke about for 2 years was her sodding wedding. She obviously had a massive, tacky engagement ring (and an engagement party and spent more money on her specially made engagement party dress than I spent on my wedding dress). The wedding had around 300 guests and, as you can probably guess, she wore a massive, puff-ball wedding dress and had chocolate fountains every where at the reception (so I am told). I saw a hilarous video clip on her fbook page. It was one of those tacky photo montages of her and her husband from babies to adulthood then photos of them out together, on holiday etc- they showed it at the wedding and it was 10 minutes long. 10 minutes. I couldn't sit through that, even if it was about me!
She is the kind of person who loves to be the centre of attention and is so fake. She also flirts inapproriately with 50 year old married colleagues (who should know better than to flirt back). As I type she is loudly taking to some workmates about the fact that she has a 18-year-old niece (so an adult and only 11 years younger than her) and she dislikes how the niece never calls her aunty. She said, in a whingy voice, "I would like her to acknowledge that I am her auuuuuuuuuuuuunty sometimes." Get a grip woman, you were 11 when she was born! I have several nieces and nephews, all children, and not one of them calls me aunty!
About 3 weeks ago, I got into work to find the office was bedlam. Everyone was standing around her desk cooing and generally causing a fuss. I had an inkling of what was going on. Someone told me, "She's pregnant and it's twins."
Yes, it would be wouldn't it.
To start with, her voice is so annoying. She sounds like Katie Price (Jordan). If you don't know how she speaks, it's through her nose, long and drawn out, common and bored. She says, "Oh, ffffannnk yooooooou." She's a bit of a bitch and spends a lot of time at other people's desks whispering, pulling faces. You wouldn't think she is 29.
She got married in 2010 and ALL she spoke about for 2 years was her sodding wedding. She obviously had a massive, tacky engagement ring (and an engagement party and spent more money on her specially made engagement party dress than I spent on my wedding dress). The wedding had around 300 guests and, as you can probably guess, she wore a massive, puff-ball wedding dress and had chocolate fountains every where at the reception (so I am told). I saw a hilarous video clip on her fbook page. It was one of those tacky photo montages of her and her husband from babies to adulthood then photos of them out together, on holiday etc- they showed it at the wedding and it was 10 minutes long. 10 minutes. I couldn't sit through that, even if it was about me!
She is the kind of person who loves to be the centre of attention and is so fake. She also flirts inapproriately with 50 year old married colleagues (who should know better than to flirt back). As I type she is loudly taking to some workmates about the fact that she has a 18-year-old niece (so an adult and only 11 years younger than her) and she dislikes how the niece never calls her aunty. She said, in a whingy voice, "I would like her to acknowledge that I am her auuuuuuuuuuuuunty sometimes." Get a grip woman, you were 11 when she was born! I have several nieces and nephews, all children, and not one of them calls me aunty!
About 3 weeks ago, I got into work to find the office was bedlam. Everyone was standing around her desk cooing and generally causing a fuss. I had an inkling of what was going on. Someone told me, "She's pregnant and it's twins."
Yes, it would be wouldn't it.
Thursday, 2 February 2012
Relief
Thank you all for your lovely kind comments, thoughts and prayers.
My GP referred me to the EPU immediately, and I have had my scan. It's good news. The bean now looks like a prawn and I am measuring at 9+1 (my exact dates) and there was a lovely heartbeat. The sonographer said that my placenta is low which is what probably caused the bleeding (and may cause more). Now I have been referred, I can go back any time I want without seeing the GP first (that is, if I am worried and get any heavy bleeding).
I can't believe it! The bleeding stopped yesterday pretty much straight after I saw it, but it really is alarming to see bright red blood, especially as my nausea disappeared. It's back today (the nausea not the bleeding), perhaps the worry made it go away?
I haven't been blogging much, mainly because I almost feel that if I do something will go wrong. You know how you blog your period is late then it turns up the next day. I will update but not as much as I used to but I am still reading your blogs and commenting if I feel I can offer support or have something interesting/intelligent to say.
My GP referred me to the EPU immediately, and I have had my scan. It's good news. The bean now looks like a prawn and I am measuring at 9+1 (my exact dates) and there was a lovely heartbeat. The sonographer said that my placenta is low which is what probably caused the bleeding (and may cause more). Now I have been referred, I can go back any time I want without seeing the GP first (that is, if I am worried and get any heavy bleeding).
I can't believe it! The bleeding stopped yesterday pretty much straight after I saw it, but it really is alarming to see bright red blood, especially as my nausea disappeared. It's back today (the nausea not the bleeding), perhaps the worry made it go away?
I haven't been blogging much, mainly because I almost feel that if I do something will go wrong. You know how you blog your period is late then it turns up the next day. I will update but not as much as I used to but I am still reading your blogs and commenting if I feel I can offer support or have something interesting/intelligent to say.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
9 weeks today and all is not rosy
Well I am 9 weeks today and had some bleeding. It started as spotting and got heavier and was definite red blood. There is nothing there now but I am bricking it. Earliest appointment I can get at GP is 9:20am and I have to go there before I can go to the EPU for a scan. I just hope they can scan me tmw as they EPU is referral only but it's first come first served and they stop accepting patients at 11:30 or something.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.
Please keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Tomorrow sometimes comes
Well I had the scan and was amazed to see the little bean in the right place, the right size and with a little heartbeat!
We can't believe it.
We can't believe it.
Friday, 13 January 2012
I gotta get through this
Well, what a week it's been. Or rather hasn't. Had started to feel very positive about this pregnancy. The spotting stopped and I decided to think positively as I thought that thinking negatively would not make me feel any better should this not be a viable pregnancy. I watched "One Born Every Minute" last week. Normally I can't bear to watch as it makes me cry (mainly out of worry that it will never happen for me). I have been looking on the internet for thifty ways to furnish a baby's room. I looked around to see why freebies I can get. One thing I couldn't bring myself to do was to look up knitting patterns for babies, that really would feel too real.
I have told a few people- my two closest friends, my manager and a colleague- they knew I had IVF and were very supportive. I told them the result and said I didn't want to be congratulated until the scan.
My scan is on Monday and I can think of little else. I feel like I am in limbo, it's almost as bad as 2ww.
Yesterday afternoon, whilst at work, I went to the loo and saw what I had been dreading. A tiny amount of blood in my knickers. I stared at it in disbelief. Surely not again. I wiped and there was more of that horrid pinky/brown cm. After a couple of wipes it had gone. I went back to my desk and was about to ask my manager if I could go home early when the phone rang. It was a student (I work at a university) who had just received an email from me and didn't like the information I had given her. I was dying to get off the phone and go home but the stupid belligerent woman argued with me for 30 sodding minutes. I was ruining her career apparently - it's my fault she doesn't get good marks in her exams (I am an administrator by the way and have nothing to do with her studies). It was a conversation that just goes in circles and she just wouldn't shut up. In the end I got rid of her by telling her that she should email an official complaint and it will get passed on. I went home about 20 minutes early, after I had simmered down. I was in a terrible mood and nearly knocked a few dawdling tourists out for having the temerity to stroll down the street at a casual pace, thus blocking my urgent march to the train station.
I didn't go to work today, I wanted to rest. If it came back, I wouldn't want to be at work. I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway- I would be going to the loo every 10 minutes. So I have been at home all day today. No more sign of the spotting, but that could mean anything. I have to sit tight until Monday. If I can.
I have told a few people- my two closest friends, my manager and a colleague- they knew I had IVF and were very supportive. I told them the result and said I didn't want to be congratulated until the scan.
My scan is on Monday and I can think of little else. I feel like I am in limbo, it's almost as bad as 2ww.
Yesterday afternoon, whilst at work, I went to the loo and saw what I had been dreading. A tiny amount of blood in my knickers. I stared at it in disbelief. Surely not again. I wiped and there was more of that horrid pinky/brown cm. After a couple of wipes it had gone. I went back to my desk and was about to ask my manager if I could go home early when the phone rang. It was a student (I work at a university) who had just received an email from me and didn't like the information I had given her. I was dying to get off the phone and go home but the stupid belligerent woman argued with me for 30 sodding minutes. I was ruining her career apparently - it's my fault she doesn't get good marks in her exams (I am an administrator by the way and have nothing to do with her studies). It was a conversation that just goes in circles and she just wouldn't shut up. In the end I got rid of her by telling her that she should email an official complaint and it will get passed on. I went home about 20 minutes early, after I had simmered down. I was in a terrible mood and nearly knocked a few dawdling tourists out for having the temerity to stroll down the street at a casual pace, thus blocking my urgent march to the train station.
I didn't go to work today, I wanted to rest. If it came back, I wouldn't want to be at work. I wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway- I would be going to the loo every 10 minutes. So I have been at home all day today. No more sign of the spotting, but that could mean anything. I have to sit tight until Monday. If I can.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Update
Well the pinky/brown discharge seems to have gone (touch wood). It could have been caused by the pessaries (which can irriate the cervix) so have switched to back door. That seems to have worked for now (touch wood).
Don't really want to comment further, but am sitting tight.
The clinic were not really interested and said it would only be a problem if heavy/painful. I know that this is not always the case, but think it's good news that it started 3 days ago and it's not progressed to anything heavier.
So my scan will be on the 16th Jan. I will be 6+4 then. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I hope you understand that I don't want to blog much at the moment.
Don't really want to comment further, but am sitting tight.
The clinic were not really interested and said it would only be a problem if heavy/painful. I know that this is not always the case, but think it's good news that it started 3 days ago and it's not progressed to anything heavier.
So my scan will be on the 16th Jan. I will be 6+4 then. Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I hope you understand that I don't want to blog much at the moment.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Bollocks
In the early hours of NY I noticed some pinky/peach CM, was there when I wiped only. Left the party and it was still there when I got in and this morning. Seems to have gone now but so worried.
HPT says still pregnant. Don't want to blog more about it at the moment, watch this space.
HPT says still pregnant. Don't want to blog more about it at the moment, watch this space.
Friday, 30 December 2011
POAS addict
Well, I tested again this morning. Very early. 4am in fact. The line was a little darker and still there. Was still not that happy (though relieved it hadn't disappeared).
Went to the chemist and bought different brands as I think that the brand I was using was a bit dodgy. I spent £23 on 2 FRs and 2 CB digis. Money well spent. Tested just now (midday) and very strong positive on the FR and 2-3 weeks on CB digi. Feel a bit more excited. Was worried it was a chemical. I will be able to relax a little bit now.
Have no symptoms apart from bloating (left over from EC) and occasional cramps. Am tired but that's because I haven't been sleeping due to anxiety!
Called the clinic and have my first scan on the 16th Jan. They tried to give me Friday 13th but I turned it down. Don't want to tempt fate there!
There is no BETA test, it's quite common here at British clinics. My clinic is NHS and private but it is very well thought of and one of the best in London. I am sure there are reasons. I would rather have one just for my own piece of mind.
I will probably do regular POAS until I have had the scan, but the 2-3 weeks on the CB digi is good. If you are are unfamiliar, the conception indicator can say 1-2, 2-3 or 3+ (when the doctors here would say 3-4, 4-5 and 5+) so I reckon my levels must be pretty good.
I drank pineapple juice and ate brazil nuts after ET, listened to Zita West IVF relaxation CD every night, had no booze and no caffeine. Don't know if this is what made it work, but I wanted to try everything as I didn't want to regret anything and wonder "what if?".
Went to the chemist and bought different brands as I think that the brand I was using was a bit dodgy. I spent £23 on 2 FRs and 2 CB digis. Money well spent. Tested just now (midday) and very strong positive on the FR and 2-3 weeks on CB digi. Feel a bit more excited. Was worried it was a chemical. I will be able to relax a little bit now.
Have no symptoms apart from bloating (left over from EC) and occasional cramps. Am tired but that's because I haven't been sleeping due to anxiety!
Called the clinic and have my first scan on the 16th Jan. They tried to give me Friday 13th but I turned it down. Don't want to tempt fate there!
There is no BETA test, it's quite common here at British clinics. My clinic is NHS and private but it is very well thought of and one of the best in London. I am sure there are reasons. I would rather have one just for my own piece of mind.
I will probably do regular POAS until I have had the scan, but the 2-3 weeks on the CB digi is good. If you are are unfamiliar, the conception indicator can say 1-2, 2-3 or 3+ (when the doctors here would say 3-4, 4-5 and 5+) so I reckon my levels must be pretty good.
I drank pineapple juice and ate brazil nuts after ET, listened to Zita West IVF relaxation CD every night, had no booze and no caffeine. Don't know if this is what made it work, but I wanted to try everything as I didn't want to regret anything and wonder "what if?".
Thursday, 29 December 2011
I tested!
It's a BFP. I used a sensitive test and it came up within 1 minute. A bit worried as it is not that dark a line, but I tested in the afternoon 2 hours after I had previously been to the toilet, so the pee wasn't that concentrated.
Will still test in the AM with FMU, I really really hope that the line is still there. I have been here before and not had good news.
For now I am relaxing a bit, but still not going to accept that I am pg. Not for a long while. I daren't.
Will still test in the AM with FMU, I really really hope that the line is still there. I have been here before and not had good news.
For now I am relaxing a bit, but still not going to accept that I am pg. Not for a long while. I daren't.
10dp5dt, 15 days after EC BRICKING IT
On my way home back to London having spent Christmas with our families up North. Tomorrow is OTD and last night I couldn't sleep, I tossed
and turned. Feel sick with worry. I really don't want to see that little white space where a line should be. I can't imagine getting a BFP, I want one but it seems so unlikely. Nothing ever works for me, my body lets me down so often.
I had some symptoms- cramps and bloating. My boobs were sore but I don't count that as I know it's definitely the pessaries (they were sore before the transfer). I know cramps can mean anything good or bad but I was hopeful about the bloating. I thought it could mean that the preggo hormones were keeping my follies large. I woke up this morning and my bloating had gone right down. Gutted. The cramps have turned into a dull ache. No sign of AF which is good as I have always had a short luteal phase (9-12 days, I am now 15 days past ovulation) BUT I know that it is the Cyclogest (progesterone) pessaries keeping it away.
I can't take this anymore, all this speculating. It's horrible. I think I will test today, when I get home -1 day early. I will use a FR test and think
I will get an accurate result. If it's BFN I
almost won't want to stop pessaries, I love not having AF. I will stop though as I can use them for luteal support for natural TTC.
Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I am a nervous wreck.
and turned. Feel sick with worry. I really don't want to see that little white space where a line should be. I can't imagine getting a BFP, I want one but it seems so unlikely. Nothing ever works for me, my body lets me down so often.
I had some symptoms- cramps and bloating. My boobs were sore but I don't count that as I know it's definitely the pessaries (they were sore before the transfer). I know cramps can mean anything good or bad but I was hopeful about the bloating. I thought it could mean that the preggo hormones were keeping my follies large. I woke up this morning and my bloating had gone right down. Gutted. The cramps have turned into a dull ache. No sign of AF which is good as I have always had a short luteal phase (9-12 days, I am now 15 days past ovulation) BUT I know that it is the Cyclogest (progesterone) pessaries keeping it away.
I can't take this anymore, all this speculating. It's horrible. I think I will test today, when I get home -1 day early. I will use a FR test and think
I will get an accurate result. If it's BFN I
almost won't want to stop pessaries, I love not having AF. I will stop though as I can use them for luteal support for natural TTC.
Keep your fingers crossed for me ladies. I am a nervous wreck.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Well I am PUPO
Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise (in case you are unfamiliar with the lingo). Not always a fan of the TTC language but I often use it as it is easier. I really like PUPO as it's a postitive way of looking at things. My least favourite term, ironically is BFP. I dislike the overuse of the word "fat" in relation to big or exciting things- it's prevalent at the moment especially in relation to weddings. There's "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" (great trash TV) and have heard people refer to their own weddings as "My Big Fat DIY Wedding" and "My Big Fat Blonde Wedding". I can't wait for that phrase to die a death. Anyway, whilst I don't really like BFP, I like BFN (maybe the reason I have failed to get pregnant) but only the F doesn't stand for "Fat", rather a four-letter word.
The transfer was yesterday. I got a call in the morning saying that I had one top quality blastocyst (an embryo that has been developed for 5 or more days) one good blastocyst and some others that look like they will be good but not there yet. I was told to empty my bladder 1 hour before the appointment then slowly drink 1.5 litres of water.
An hour before the appointment I duly had a pee, then I caught the train. 20 minutes before the appointment I remembered that was supposed to be drinking copious amounts of water. Ooops. I necked the bottle that I had with me, got off the train and got the to clinic. My bladder felt pretty empty. Panicking, I grabbed 2 cups of water from the water cooler. Still nothing. I sent my husband off to get 2 more, still nothing. I had one more cup and thought I had better leave it. Luckily they were 20 minutes late seeing me, and when we got shown into theatre the doctor and embryologists were talking to us for about 10 minutes after which time my bladder felt pretty full.
We were told that there were 4 blastos and that the blasto they were going to use today was the best one and was of excellent quality. They only allow 1 to be put back because I am under 35 and this is my first go- they follow the HEFA guidelines to reduce the chance of multiple pregnancy http://www.oneatatime.org.uk/. The doctor told me that at my clinic they found pregnancy rates higher for single transfers than double or triple. She wasn't sure why but said it might be because the embies aren't competing with each other. There 3 other embies that were good quality and therefore suitable for freezing. So we would have one put back and 3 frosties- just in case this doesn't work.
I got into the stirrups and a speculum was used to open me up. Jelly was put onto my stomach for the ultrasound and the embryologist who worked it pressed down really hard. Very difficult to endure when you need to pee! A catheter was inserted into my womb- I could see it go in. It was pretty cool. Then I saw my little blastocyst on the screen- I had to confirm it was my name on the petri dish. Then it was flushed in through the catheter. Was quick, easy and painless. Uncomfortable but not painful.
So now we wait. I have to take 2 progesterone pessaries daily (which I am relieved about in case having a shorter luteal phase does affect things). My husband is very excited (I am a little I allow myself) - we made up a few days ago and he is being lovely.
I am feeling very positive about it all. It may blow up in my face, but I am happier this way. I am listening to my Zita West IVF relaxation tracks at night. It's lovely to try and imagine my little embie embedding into my womb.
I may slowly lose my marbles as my testing date approaches. I do my test 16 days after egg collection and my OTD (Official Testing Date) is 30th December. I have a feeling that if it doesn't work my AF will arrive early as I have a short luteal phase. If this hasn't worked I will get well and truly sloshed on NYE on Prosecco that we have left over from the wedding. Luckily I will be kept very busy visiting family over Christmas. We go away on the 23rd and return to London on the 29th- the day before OTD. I will take some tampons up with me in the hope that I will not need them.
Please send me sticky vibes!
The transfer was yesterday. I got a call in the morning saying that I had one top quality blastocyst (an embryo that has been developed for 5 or more days) one good blastocyst and some others that look like they will be good but not there yet. I was told to empty my bladder 1 hour before the appointment then slowly drink 1.5 litres of water.
An hour before the appointment I duly had a pee, then I caught the train. 20 minutes before the appointment I remembered that was supposed to be drinking copious amounts of water. Ooops. I necked the bottle that I had with me, got off the train and got the to clinic. My bladder felt pretty empty. Panicking, I grabbed 2 cups of water from the water cooler. Still nothing. I sent my husband off to get 2 more, still nothing. I had one more cup and thought I had better leave it. Luckily they were 20 minutes late seeing me, and when we got shown into theatre the doctor and embryologists were talking to us for about 10 minutes after which time my bladder felt pretty full.
We were told that there were 4 blastos and that the blasto they were going to use today was the best one and was of excellent quality. They only allow 1 to be put back because I am under 35 and this is my first go- they follow the HEFA guidelines to reduce the chance of multiple pregnancy http://www.oneatatime.org.uk/. The doctor told me that at my clinic they found pregnancy rates higher for single transfers than double or triple. She wasn't sure why but said it might be because the embies aren't competing with each other. There 3 other embies that were good quality and therefore suitable for freezing. So we would have one put back and 3 frosties- just in case this doesn't work.
I got into the stirrups and a speculum was used to open me up. Jelly was put onto my stomach for the ultrasound and the embryologist who worked it pressed down really hard. Very difficult to endure when you need to pee! A catheter was inserted into my womb- I could see it go in. It was pretty cool. Then I saw my little blastocyst on the screen- I had to confirm it was my name on the petri dish. Then it was flushed in through the catheter. Was quick, easy and painless. Uncomfortable but not painful.
So now we wait. I have to take 2 progesterone pessaries daily (which I am relieved about in case having a shorter luteal phase does affect things). My husband is very excited (I am a little I allow myself) - we made up a few days ago and he is being lovely.
I am feeling very positive about it all. It may blow up in my face, but I am happier this way. I am listening to my Zita West IVF relaxation tracks at night. It's lovely to try and imagine my little embie embedding into my womb.
I may slowly lose my marbles as my testing date approaches. I do my test 16 days after egg collection and my OTD (Official Testing Date) is 30th December. I have a feeling that if it doesn't work my AF will arrive early as I have a short luteal phase. If this hasn't worked I will get well and truly sloshed on NYE on Prosecco that we have left over from the wedding. Luckily I will be kept very busy visiting family over Christmas. We go away on the 23rd and return to London on the 29th- the day before OTD. I will take some tampons up with me in the hope that I will not need them.
Please send me sticky vibes!
Friday, 16 December 2011
Egg collection and fertilisation
Have been AWOL, I had egg collection on Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday) I had a massive row with my husband. I won't go into great detail on this blog as I think that it's been resolved and I don't want to dwell.
In my last post I mentioned that I was ready for egg collection. On Monday at midnight (36 hours before egg collection was due) I took Ovitrelle- my trigger shot. It contains hCG so would lead to a false positive on a pregnancy test if I were to take one. That was my last injection of the cycle. I felt that we should have had a ceremony or something.
On Wednesday we got to the clinic at 11:30 as instructed (freezing cold we were as the train was cancelled and we were stood on a train platform [all train platforms are colder than an Arctic winter] for half an hour). The receptionist gave my husband a plastic sample container then spoke to me and told us to go to room 15 and (confusingly) gave us the key with a 1 on the key-ring. We got to room 15 and it became apparent that it was not a pre-op room as, rather amusingly, there was a sign on the door that said Production Room. I told him to go in and get on with the business (he says it was a grim empty room with porn mags- oh how cliche) and I went back to the reception to rather awkwardly ask where I was supposed to go. Then she explained, I should go down the corridor and round the corner, tick my initials off on the board and take a seat. I was told that my husband should keep the sample in his pocket for the time being. I sat down and wondered why I hadn't been told all of this when we arrived. I am not psychic.
The husband did his bit and we waited to be collected. And we waited. Then we waited some more. I realised it was 12:15 and then flipped out. I could feel ovulation cramps and was convinced I was going to ovulate. I sent my husband off to find the receptionist to ask what was going on. A nurse came and reassured me that I wouldn't ovulate and that the trigger lasts for 40 hours. Again, why didn't they tell me? It would have saved me a lot of stress!
We got called in and spoke to the consultant and he took us through to theatre. No prep, no gown, no hat no nothing all we had to do was take our shoes off. Was rather surprised! How does one have an operation without a hospital gown and cap? I was wearing a jumper dress and tights, I undressed from the waist down (keeping the dress on), put my feet in the infamous stirrups and had a cannula inserted into the back of my hand. The doctor injected a painkiller and sedative, I felt sleepy and lay down. I don't remember anything being inserted or the CD being put on so I think I was asleep for a couple of minutes. The rich voice of Sam Cooke drifted into my head (our CD of choice was the Best of Sam Cooke) and I was aware of cramping- rather like period pains. I could hear the embryologists calling out numbers- it was the number eggs they were finding in the follicles. It only took about 20 minutes. They took me to the recovery room which had what looked like a dentist's chair and a plastic chair next to that. I sat in the scary looking dentists chair and started to feel less woozy. My husband said how during the op there was a screen in the theatre showing the eggs that the embryologists were counting.
A nurse came in and said that the collected 14 eggs and that the hubby's sperm was great so we could have IVF rather than ICSI. So we were sent off home and told we would get called the following day with fertlisation results.
The following morning I got the call and was told that we have 8 embies, which I am very happy with (especially considering that I thought I only had 5 viable follies). I called up my husband and he was very happy. Then he told me his brother was coming to stay at ours that night. I totally flipped out. Rather than calm me down he told me that I was selfish and intolerant.That's what caused the row. He was inconsiderate and I overreacted. I apologised this morning and explained why I acted that way. He said that he is worried about the fact that we have had some massive rows, I tried to explain that IVF puts a lot of pressure and stress.
Anyway, I am worrying a little bit that the rows and stress will effect our chances. I hope not.
In my last post I mentioned that I was ready for egg collection. On Monday at midnight (36 hours before egg collection was due) I took Ovitrelle- my trigger shot. It contains hCG so would lead to a false positive on a pregnancy test if I were to take one. That was my last injection of the cycle. I felt that we should have had a ceremony or something.
On Wednesday we got to the clinic at 11:30 as instructed (freezing cold we were as the train was cancelled and we were stood on a train platform [all train platforms are colder than an Arctic winter] for half an hour). The receptionist gave my husband a plastic sample container then spoke to me and told us to go to room 15 and (confusingly) gave us the key with a 1 on the key-ring. We got to room 15 and it became apparent that it was not a pre-op room as, rather amusingly, there was a sign on the door that said Production Room. I told him to go in and get on with the business (he says it was a grim empty room with porn mags- oh how cliche) and I went back to the reception to rather awkwardly ask where I was supposed to go. Then she explained, I should go down the corridor and round the corner, tick my initials off on the board and take a seat. I was told that my husband should keep the sample in his pocket for the time being. I sat down and wondered why I hadn't been told all of this when we arrived. I am not psychic.
The husband did his bit and we waited to be collected. And we waited. Then we waited some more. I realised it was 12:15 and then flipped out. I could feel ovulation cramps and was convinced I was going to ovulate. I sent my husband off to find the receptionist to ask what was going on. A nurse came and reassured me that I wouldn't ovulate and that the trigger lasts for 40 hours. Again, why didn't they tell me? It would have saved me a lot of stress!
We got called in and spoke to the consultant and he took us through to theatre. No prep, no gown, no hat no nothing all we had to do was take our shoes off. Was rather surprised! How does one have an operation without a hospital gown and cap? I was wearing a jumper dress and tights, I undressed from the waist down (keeping the dress on), put my feet in the infamous stirrups and had a cannula inserted into the back of my hand. The doctor injected a painkiller and sedative, I felt sleepy and lay down. I don't remember anything being inserted or the CD being put on so I think I was asleep for a couple of minutes. The rich voice of Sam Cooke drifted into my head (our CD of choice was the Best of Sam Cooke) and I was aware of cramping- rather like period pains. I could hear the embryologists calling out numbers- it was the number eggs they were finding in the follicles. It only took about 20 minutes. They took me to the recovery room which had what looked like a dentist's chair and a plastic chair next to that. I sat in the scary looking dentists chair and started to feel less woozy. My husband said how during the op there was a screen in the theatre showing the eggs that the embryologists were counting.
A nurse came in and said that the collected 14 eggs and that the hubby's sperm was great so we could have IVF rather than ICSI. So we were sent off home and told we would get called the following day with fertlisation results.
The following morning I got the call and was told that we have 8 embies, which I am very happy with (especially considering that I thought I only had 5 viable follies). I called up my husband and he was very happy. Then he told me his brother was coming to stay at ours that night. I totally flipped out. Rather than calm me down he told me that I was selfish and intolerant.That's what caused the row. He was inconsiderate and I overreacted. I apologised this morning and explained why I acted that way. He said that he is worried about the fact that we have had some massive rows, I tried to explain that IVF puts a lot of pressure and stress.
Anyway, I am worrying a little bit that the rows and stress will effect our chances. I hope not.
Monday, 12 December 2011
Good news for once
Well, I had my scan and was so nervous. I felt no cramps or anything around the ovaries so thought that the follies had stopped growing.
As soon as they started scanning me I knew there would be good news as even I could see the follies on my ovaries. They looked like a bunch of grapes.
The 5 large ones had grown to the size that they should be 2 days before egg collection (16mm or above) there were lots of other follies but these were smaller. Some were not too much smaller so am hoping that they will grow to the right size. My womb lining was described as "beautiful" (!) as it was triple layered and 13mm (well above the minimum).
I am absolutely delighted, was so convinced that we would have to cancel. I have now forgotten all about being a bit annoyed I didn't get 12 or more follies, I am just grateful to be ready!
It's all systems go now for egg collection- it will be in 2 days. No more Gonal F or Buserelin injections! I have to take the hCG Ovitrelle trigger at midnight tonight and my collection will be on Wednesday at 12:00noon. I am supposed to take my pain killer up the bum 1 hour before egg collection. I tried really hard not to laugh when the nurse told me to insert it up my "back passage". I am a child, I couldn't stop smirking.
As soon as they started scanning me I knew there would be good news as even I could see the follies on my ovaries. They looked like a bunch of grapes.
The 5 large ones had grown to the size that they should be 2 days before egg collection (16mm or above) there were lots of other follies but these were smaller. Some were not too much smaller so am hoping that they will grow to the right size. My womb lining was described as "beautiful" (!) as it was triple layered and 13mm (well above the minimum).
I am absolutely delighted, was so convinced that we would have to cancel. I have now forgotten all about being a bit annoyed I didn't get 12 or more follies, I am just grateful to be ready!
It's all systems go now for egg collection- it will be in 2 days. No more Gonal F or Buserelin injections! I have to take the hCG Ovitrelle trigger at midnight tonight and my collection will be on Wednesday at 12:00noon. I am supposed to take my pain killer up the bum 1 hour before egg collection. I tried really hard not to laugh when the nurse told me to insert it up my "back passage". I am a child, I couldn't stop smirking.
Friday, 9 December 2011
Scan day, day 10 stimms not going as planned
Well, I'm on day 10 of stimming. I had my scan and was expecting them to say that I could have EC on Monday.
Whilst my lining is thick, there were only 5 follies of decent size and these are not ready yet. Have to go for a scan on Monday and they think I can have EC next Friday.
Feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Whilst my lining is thick, there were only 5 follies of decent size and these are not ready yet. Have to go for a scan on Monday and they think I can have EC next Friday.
Feeling a bit sorry for myself.
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
How about you shut the *@$£ up?
Day 10 of stims. Going OK, have 2 injections daily. Buserelin (that I was injecting daily for down regulation) and Gonal F- which is FSH drug. They are both injected at the same time and at least one of them always hurts, sometimes both. I feel better in myself since my ovaries have been switched back on and I am feeling tingly and crampy on that area so something must be happening. Not feeling bloated though as some ladies do (I hope that my follies are growing). Have a scan on Friday to check that all is as it should be so have my fingers crossed.
Still, I didn't log in to tell you about that. That is boring. I logged in to moan and whine about those idiotic fertiles on Facebook. Since the new version has been launched I no longer know how to block people. I know you can unsubscribe- but I am worried that will make my feed unavailable to them... really should Google it.
Meanwhile I am getting mightily annoyed with FB friends whose every status is pregnancy related. Actually there is one person whose statuses are pregnancy related or Christmas related. I mean, come on love, get a grip. Have you got nothing else going on in your life? From moaning about "baby brain" (one of my all time pet hates- there is no such thing as baby brain, you just want to mention your pregnancy AGAIN), moaning constantly about hormones to complaining about the lack of maternity wear in her area. Seriously, shut the eff up! I will find out how to hide her diatribe, but, in the same vein as STFU Parents (sometimes brilliant blog http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/, if you have not been there, go! I love the womb scan photo with the beer can) I have copied and pasted some of her highly irritating statuses below. She's got another 4 months to go. Oh hell.
Still, I didn't log in to tell you about that. That is boring. I logged in to moan and whine about those idiotic fertiles on Facebook. Since the new version has been launched I no longer know how to block people. I know you can unsubscribe- but I am worried that will make my feed unavailable to them... really should Google it.
Meanwhile I am getting mightily annoyed with FB friends whose every status is pregnancy related. Actually there is one person whose statuses are pregnancy related or Christmas related. I mean, come on love, get a grip. Have you got nothing else going on in your life? From moaning about "baby brain" (one of my all time pet hates- there is no such thing as baby brain, you just want to mention your pregnancy AGAIN), moaning constantly about hormones to complaining about the lack of maternity wear in her area. Seriously, shut the eff up! I will find out how to hide her diatribe, but, in the same vein as STFU Parents (sometimes brilliant blog http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/, if you have not been there, go! I love the womb scan photo with the beer can) I have copied and pasted some of her highly irritating statuses below. She's got another 4 months to go. Oh hell.
Who needs a cot or a pram when you're bringing up a baby? Who cares?
Monday, 5 December 2011
Baby not on board
One of the most irritating things about being a London Commuter is this:
It's a badge to wear on the train/tube/bus (and seemingly on the street, at work, in a shop and no doubt at home on the sofa). Before I realised that I was barren, I thought they were a rather cute idea and was all for getting one for myself. Now, I bloody hate them.
It's bad enough seeing baby bumps all over the place without now having knowledge of women's pregnancies before they are showing. Surely, if a women is pregnant enough to need a seat it will be obvious without the need for the badge (unless she is massively overweight)?!? The cynic in me thinks it's just another way for smug fertiles to get attention.
If I ever get my BFP I will not be getting one now as I hate seeing the infernal things, they seem so smug. "Oooh, look at me, I'm pregnant." How wonderful for you. Have a cookie.
I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't care. I hate them and think they are pointless. So there.
It's a badge to wear on the train/tube/bus (and seemingly on the street, at work, in a shop and no doubt at home on the sofa). Before I realised that I was barren, I thought they were a rather cute idea and was all for getting one for myself. Now, I bloody hate them.
It's bad enough seeing baby bumps all over the place without now having knowledge of women's pregnancies before they are showing. Surely, if a women is pregnant enough to need a seat it will be obvious without the need for the badge (unless she is massively overweight)?!? The cynic in me thinks it's just another way for smug fertiles to get attention.
If I ever get my BFP I will not be getting one now as I hate seeing the infernal things, they seem so smug. "Oooh, look at me, I'm pregnant." How wonderful for you. Have a cookie.
I am probably being unreasonable, but I don't care. I hate them and think they are pointless. So there.
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Stimming!
Well, I had a meeting with Dildo Cam yesterday and my husband watched (oooh er missus). Before she started, the sonographer asked me if I had any symptoms, "Not too bad, I have had trouble sleeping though."
"Oh" she said, "You're the first person who has complained about that." OK, so I have been making it up then, clearly. I love to pretend that I am waking at 4am then 5am then 6am because I am red hot and dying to pee. She also asked my husband if I had been moody lately. Luckily he knows which way his bread is buttered and said "No, not really."
As always, I didn't sit far enough at the end of the table so had to scooch down, taking that giant loo-roll-like paper with me.
She found a thin womb lining and a "quiet" right ovary. It took her ages to find my left ovary, "Did they have trouble last time?" she asked. "No" was my reply, "I can assure you I do have a left ovary". Luckily she found it (after a good 5 mins of prodding and swirling the dildo cam). She told me it was a good thing it was all quiet, if it hadn't been my cycle would have been cancelled until the New Year :-0.
A nurse then showed my husband how to inject what can only be described as the pen of torture. It's a pen, you move the dail and squirt a load of liquid out, then you set it to the dose then you stab it into some fat and then twist the top around so it clicks 8 times. I have to go back to the clinic a week tomorrow to see if it is working.
I had my first two doses haven't been so bad so far- in fact the Buserelin hurts more.
So we will just wait and see.
"Oh" she said, "You're the first person who has complained about that." OK, so I have been making it up then, clearly. I love to pretend that I am waking at 4am then 5am then 6am because I am red hot and dying to pee. She also asked my husband if I had been moody lately. Luckily he knows which way his bread is buttered and said "No, not really."
As always, I didn't sit far enough at the end of the table so had to scooch down, taking that giant loo-roll-like paper with me.
She found a thin womb lining and a "quiet" right ovary. It took her ages to find my left ovary, "Did they have trouble last time?" she asked. "No" was my reply, "I can assure you I do have a left ovary". Luckily she found it (after a good 5 mins of prodding and swirling the dildo cam). She told me it was a good thing it was all quiet, if it hadn't been my cycle would have been cancelled until the New Year :-0.
A nurse then showed my husband how to inject what can only be described as the pen of torture. It's a pen, you move the dail and squirt a load of liquid out, then you set it to the dose then you stab it into some fat and then twist the top around so it clicks 8 times. I have to go back to the clinic a week tomorrow to see if it is working.
I had my first two doses haven't been so bad so far- in fact the Buserelin hurts more.
So we will just wait and see.
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