The relationship with my new husband is already showing signs of strain. As you may have seen by my other recent blog posts, I have had a tough couple of weeks. This past week was the worst I found out that friends were expecting despite the fact that they are a good 5 years older than me and it took them no time at all (see previous post), what made it worse was the fact that my brother has been staying with us this past week. I haven't started treatment yet so I thought it would be fine, but I didn't realise what a terrible week I would have.
I have spent the week putting on a brave face, or so I thought. Normally I would have a cry and talk with the husband for ages. Having no privacy I could not do this, so I had to force my negative thoughts to the back of my mind. They manifested and seeped out in ways such as this:
1) I commented, angrily, to my husband about how greedy women who have 3 or more children are and that they should not be so selfish
2) I watched a You Tube clip of my colleagues dancing to Thriller dressed as zombies and angrily slagged them off ("look at them, they are so stupid, can you believe I have to work with these people?!?")
3) I told off my brother for getting me a Zelda (computer game) keyring and called him a geek
the last straw...
4) I told my husband off for using the last clean dishwashing sponge to wipe up cat sick- ""WHAT are we going to wash our dishes with NOW? You could have used one of the many dirty ones we have under the sink."
We had a massive row last night triggered by that sodding sponge. He told me that I am angry all of the time and said that I haven't been affectionate for two weeks. I told him that I was sad and not able to express myself cos my brother was always around (he has gone now thankfully). He told me that I should be crying, listening to sad music and having baths (I swear that this time last year he told me off for crying too much) and not being mad at all and sundry.
The fact is (and I told him this), he doesn't always want to hear my thoughts/worries/fears about IVF. He often changes the subject when I bring it up. He said that this is not the case and I can talk to him about whatever I want (I didn't mention that 2 weeks ago I googled his SA results to see what they meant and he called me "obsessive" and said I was tormenting myself and that I should "let the doctors get on with it"). His motto at the moment is, "don't worry, it will pass" which is infuriating.
The row went on for ages, I thought we made it up and went to bed cuddling, but when I woke I noticed he had taken his wedding ring off in the night. This started another row just before work (perfect). I thought we had talked that through- we both agreed we didn't want to hurt each other or make each other cry- we hugged then I went off to work feeling better than I had done in ages. Got home and he is being weird.
We have a hospital appointment tomorrow, I need to be supported and feel like he wants to be there. I am wondering if counselling may be a good idea. I never thought I would say that.
Hmm.
ReplyDeleteRellies staying and being on the run-up to IVF are a terrible combination. I know Im not the only one that's gone into a meltdown because, essentially, you need a safe space at such a stressful time.
It took loads of effort to get to an equilibrium with my husband. I think in the end I sort of went on about things a bit less but the flip side was, he had to ask me how I was doing and actually raise the subject himself every couple of days.
Also, I think some blokes just get embarrassed about talking about anything to do with gynaecology - they've been socialised into believing that they shouldn't and it's a really hard thing to break them out of, no matter how neccessary it is on a rational level.
Sounds to me like your bloke is being a bloke. You know, head in the sand, believing that all will be okay because they can't handle the idea that it won't. Men in their cave, not wanting to talk about things, just don't have a clue that we need to talk, without expecting them to give a solution.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a solution - I guess for me I worked this through by talking about it with friends who understood (mostly on-line friends I have to say)because I came to realise my husband just wasn't capable of providing the kind of support that I needed - simply because he's not a woman, with a woman's needs and emotions, not because he's insensitive.
Oh - and I don't know how my husband puts up with my hormonal or stressed-out outbursts, but I know apologies help. And just hugging, touching hands as I pass - anything non-verbal that shows affection, given that men aren't at their best being verbal, and sometimes the words I want just won't come!
It sounds like he is just as frustrated as you, only that males seem to deal with these differently. We have had hell fights in our ttc life. I have abused him and told him he is 'blowing dust', and blamed our infertility journey all on him. I think its just normal to fight over it. But dont let it take away more than it already has. You need to be united, as we are always stronger in pairs...xx
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