Oooh, iPhone blogging

Here I am, in bed, blogging on my iPhone. Rather good it is too. I suffer with insomnia sometimes, when I do, it always cos my mind is so full of crap. I slept like a baby whilst on honeymoon, get home and I'm having trouble.

I am wondering if any bloggers suffer too, and if so, do you have the same thoughts as me? I sometimes think about babies, or rather, lack of (though not as often as you'd think). I frequently think about mistakes I have made that day/week/month. Recently I have been kicking myself for massively overbuying wine for the wedding. It was a month ago nearly, but we bought twice as much than needed (we spent a fortune on booze) and we gave what was left away cos we couldn't get it back to our flat 200 miles away. I asked some friends to do me a favour and take some boxes down for us but they got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was giving it to them. Can you believe that this thought keeps me awake sometimes? Pathetic. Maybe it's my inner Northerner.

The occurring theme is that I have imaginary conversations. I think that's what keeps me awake the most. Replaying past conversations that have gone wrong and changing the ending. Or, whole new conversations that I anticipate having with people. I swear that these thoughts are symptomatic of a stressed/obsessive/unbalanced person. At the back of my mind, I blame myself and these thoughts for my infertility. I am not easy going, I start off chilled then get sucked in and obsess about the best way to do things. Even now, after my wonderful wedding, I am troubled with thoughts about how I could have done things differently- the chutneys were not put out properly, there was not enough ice, the catering staff didn't stay long enough. Why am I spoiling my memories in this way?

I was the same with TTC. started off determined not to get stressed but the first month I think I had a chemical pregnancy. I got a BFP with a faint line, so spent ages googling to see if I was pregnant. The next day the test revealed a BFN. That was the start my use of baby internet forums. Before you could say "bbt" I was taking all manner of vitamins, using OPKs and joining 2ww threads. Did this behaviour cause stress and mess up my hormones enough to make me infertile? I have give through relaxed phases, but was I really relaxed? I was always disappointed when AF showed.

So now it's my IVF phase. Started off chilled but now fretting about the level of stimms I will be taking (think its too high), whether I will respond or over respond, and whether I go through this 10 week LP cycle for it to fail.

I need to relax, but how!?!