I don't know if I am the only person TTC who feels this way, but sometimes, (only sometimes) I feel relieved that I don't have children and think that life wouldn't be too bad without them.
These feelings, when they happen, tend to occur after ovulation- up until the day my period is due (thought when my period arrives I hate my body, the world and my luck! I wonder if it is my way of coping with the fact that nothing is happening for us.
I was watching Outnumbered yesterday (a brilliant BBC comedy), series 3 episode 1 in which the gran takes the family out to London for a day trip. The children's ages range from 7-14 (or thereabouts). The way that the children were ungrateful and disengaged with the day trip (which they saw as boring because there was not enough "entertainment" or they were not able to send texts because their phone had run out of battery) rang true. I distinctly remember miserable family days out- usually ones where we are stuck in a car going somewhere or another for hours on end during which my brother and I would row, I would get a smack from my parents for being naughty, I would sulk then we would go home. Now not every family trip was like this, but there were plenty of them and it got me thinking. I have spent a year and a half dreaming of being pregnant and having a cute baby/toddler but sometimes, when I think about what they will grow into, it fills me with dread.
In the same episode of Outnumbered I also noticed the relationship between the gran and the parents (her son and daughter in law) which seemed rather cringey- they saw the gran as a pain and a hinderance... is that what I will become? Will my potential offspring gradually grow tired of me and see me as an annoyance rather than as a fun person to be around?
I hope you don't think I am a bad person, most of the time I want a child of my own so badly it hurts, but every so often I see things from the other side.
I sometimes feel like that. Generally when I wake up still drunk in the morning from the night before (NB. This has not happened in a while!). Or when we can just decide to go off camping with no commitments.
ReplyDeleteI also feel like this sometimes. It's something that I feel like I shouldn't admit because we're going through expensive treatment, and if I feel like it would be OK if we didn't have a baby, then why should we go through it?
ReplyDeleteThen, as you say, af comes, or I see a pregnancy announcement, and I'm so jealous I feel grumpy all day.
I commented before but it seems to have disappeared. I wonder if it was blogger going screwy?
ReplyDeleteI feel this sometimes as well. Like being child free wouldn't be so bad, there are a lot more opportunities if you don't have children, there are lots of great things in life... etc, etc.
Ultimately though I come back to the fact that I have wanted a baby for ten years, that I feel sick with jealousy sometimes, that every negative test is like a kick in the gut.
That's funny Kat, I remember your post and I read it. I don't know where it's gone but I definitely didn't delete it!
ReplyDeleteWow. We really beat ourselves up don't we? You are not a bad person for having these thoughts and feelings. The truth is, I feel relieved (quite a lot actually) that I don't have children. Let's face it, life isn't easy for parents. It is tiring, expensive, and often parents feel just plain miserable. Of course, they also get the joy of children, but joy isn't a 24/7 state. Don't feel guilty for enjoying the life you have just at the moment, for taking those moments of appreciation in between the despair and stress of ttc. Ttc-ing is one of the most stressful things I've ever done, and I know I needed moments of relief - just as mothers shouldn't feel guilty when they enjoy a day out without the kids, or sigh with relief when ther baby finally gets to sleep!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today. I also lost a tube due to an EP in May 2010. We started trying again this past November, and so far, no luck. I'll be turning 34 in July, and will start IVF next month. I just wanted to say that I feel like this sometimes, too; like I could be okay without kids. But I wonder if I'd feel that way if I hadn't experienced the awfulness of an ectopic and tube loss. Anyway, I wish you lots of luck. XX
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